Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Hardest Job...

Throughout our lives we have lots and lots of different jobs, even if we never applied for them.

When we are first born, our job is to eat, sleep, grow and learn. Oh yeah, and we poop a lot too.  I used to think that this was such an easy job, I mean seriously, your every need, wish and desire are fulfilled by someone else.  Then, after watching my own daughter, I realized just how hard the job truly is, I mean, a baby is completely helpless and dependent on everyone around him/her.  I personally hate feeling helpless and dependent on others, and what's worse is if you are not blessed with people in your life who are truly on top of things, you could end up going hungry and spending a lot of time in wet poopy diapers. Definitely NOT easy!

Our next job is to be a toddler/preschooler, still learning and growing but now with a mind of our own. We are starting to come into our own. We can talk, run, play, sing, go potty on our own, but we still lack a huge amount of control and that is exactly what we want. We get choices, but they are seldom choices that we actually like or want. I mean seriously, I offer my daughter choices all the time, and she seldom EVER wants to do what I actually offer her. I think this job might be one of the hardest. As I watch Toddler D, I can see just how smart and intelligent she is and also how FRUSTRATED she gets because she can't express herself and she is constantly being told no. I hate having to tell her no, but let's face it, kids need boundaries and most times I say no for safety reasons.  It is one of those jobs where she is just able to do enough and knows just enough to be truly dangerous to herself (and to the cat!). 

I can only speak from my own experience for the next sets of jobs here, but there are the school-age years and the pre-teen years. These jobs aren't nearly as difficult as the first two, in my opinion, but I am about 20 years removed from that time of my life. I know my main focus was on school and learning. More choices, beginning to explore true autonomy from parents and beginning to form a personality separate from your family.

The teenage years, now this job is as hard or easy as one makes it. For me it was a pretty easy job, but I was a pretty easy going teenager. I had my first paid job as a teenager and that was an interesting lesson in responsibility.

Next comes college and then the real world, it gets tricky here. There are lots of paths to be taken, but, in theory, if you did well at the first few jobs you held in your life, you should be able to manage at this job. 

Soon comes marriage and the job of being someone's partner. Depending on how long you waited to get married this can actually present quite a challenge. For me, I was used to be autonomous and not having to rely on anyone else. Learning to rely on someone else and share your life is not easy, but once you learn it is so wonderful to have someone else to lean on. 

Next comes parenthood. Holy buckets, this one ranks right up there with being a newborn and a toddler/preschooler. Except this time around you are the responsible one. Who knew that a toddler's temper tantrum could make a grown adult want to throw one in return. Who knew that hearing "mama" 5,762 times in one day could actually make you want to legally change your name to Billy Bob?  But you know what? While this has been one of the hardest jobs I have ever had, it has also been one of the most rewarding. Every day I get to watch my little girl grow and change into the incredible person she is becoming. I get hugs, and kisses and some days she even takes my blood pressure (right now she wants to be a doctor). Best of all a few hours after she has gone to sleep at night I get to sneak into her room at night and re-cover her with a blanket and watch her while she sleeps. Best feeling ever!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Struggling

Ok, I'm admitting it, out loud, for the whole world...ok, for all four followers of my blog to read, I AM STRUGGLING. This deployment just sucks.  I mean every deployment sucks, but this one seems to suck that much more than the last one, although I am sure I would have said the exact same thing during the last deployment too. This is just not easy.  I hear all the time about how strong and amazing I am, it isn't that I'm strong or amazing, it is just that all most people get to see is the glossy shiny exterior that I show the world. They don't get to see the inside of me that is falling apart and screaming at the top of my lungs to bring my husband home.

It is so hard when people say to me, "well it is only 8 more weeks" or "you are near the finish line". I means seriously?!? Most people freak out if their spouse is gone for more than a day or 2 and mine has been gone for 7 very very long months. I'm not asking for a parade or sympathy or even understanding, since you can't really understand someone's situation until you have lived it, but I wouldn't mind a little common sense and sensitivity. I mean would you ever want to hear, "it's only 8 more weeks?"

I realize that when people make those comments they are not trying to hurt my feelings, they are actually trying to be sympathetic but they are forgetting to put themselves in my shoes first. 8 weeks, or 6 weeks or even 1 day worrying about someone you love in a war zone is like 16 years! I am not sure I can really communicate to anyone just how draining all of this is, especially when you have to put on a happy face every day and pretend that everything is really ok for your little one.

I think the other reason I am struggling is because we have missed so many important dates to us, not that they are necessarily important to anyone else, but they are important to us, and now we are approaching Christmas. I have to say that until Sunday I didn't even want to put up a Christmas tree, I still don't really want to but I remembered that Toddler D's stocking and her Night Before Christmas book are with the tree so we kind of have to get all that stuff down.  It just doesn't feel like Christmas without my hubby here. I am trying to bring the magic for Toddler D, but all of it is gone for me. I don't even want to put up my nutcrackers, and if you are familiar with my HUGE collection, you should realize just what a big deal that is...

Ok, enough of this. Toddler D will be awake from her nap soon and I need to snap out of it so that she and I can have a nice afternoon together. Thanks for letting me voice how I really feel about things, I don't often take the opportunity to do so, for some reason I don't think that anyone wants to hear these kinds of things. The reality of the matter is that deployments suck and no matter how strong you think someone is they are most likely struggling with that very harsh reality.