Fear

Who knew that someone so small and cute could instill such a sense of foreboding and fear in a person. I love my daughter to bits and pieces but when she starts to screw her face up into the "I'm gonna scream and there's nothing you can do about it" face, I just get this sense like the world is going to end. I know the main reason I fear that face is because there isn't much I can do to make her feel better most of the time. She has a little bit of trouble going to the bathroom (this should improve in a couple months as her stomach muscles get stronger) and besides feeding her and holding her, until she can tell me or show me where it hurts we are both at a loss.

One thing I have decided I am going to do in order to help both of us is start using baby sign language. I ordered a book last week and it arrived today and it said to start at six months with about six signs. It isn't until that age that babies have the hand eye coordination to be able to make the signs back. The book has a total of 300 signs to use with Baby D and I am going to spend my time in the next 5 months trying to master them so that I can communicate with my baby. From everything I read there are nothing but positive outcomes from babies who sign at an early age, including: higher IQs, stronger verbal abilities at earlier ages, etc.

It is hard to believe that I am afraid of a cute little baby wearing a bright pink snow jacket...

Sleep

Sleep has suddenly become a precious commodity around our house. No one is getting any it seems...except for Baby D, and even then only during the day light hours. It turns out that our little girl is a bit of a night owl. I am hoping this isn't foreshadowing a future of late night partying and skipping curfew, but who knows at this stage. All I do know for certain is that everyone around here is tired and in desperate need of a nap!

Another thing that sleep deprivation has caused is a new love for the weekends. On the weekends, Sgt D is home and can help me in the wee day light hours by taking her and letting me catch a few zzzzz, unfortunately that means he isn't sleeping as much as he would like on the weekends. Normally that would bother me, but honestly, I'm too tired to care right now :)

Here's our angel...WIDE AWAKE!

22 Days

That is how old my daughter is today. She is 22 days old. I can't believe that I have been a mom for 22 days already. It is still somewhat surreal, but that could also be because of the sleep deprivation that I am currently experiencing. Sgt D works all day so he needs to sleep at night, which leaves me to carry the load during the nighttime hours. Luckily my mom is still here to help me out in the mornings when I get to experience a few precious hours of sleep. Baby D has so far mastered the fine art of smiling (it is NOT gas!), and she is enjoying her daily belly time and working on lifting her head. I am quite proud of the progress she has made.

In 22 days she has gained a full pound, now weighing in at 9 lbs even, and is at least 2.5 inches longer than she was at birth. She has her mommy, daddy, nana and grandpa wrapped around her little finger and is absolutely perfect in every way...although she does need to work on sleeping through the night. I am hoping that will come with time.

Welcome Baby D

We have been parents for 16 days now, and I guess I should tell you a little about the newest addition to our family. Baby D is a girl, I'm sorry, but just like I am Mrs. D, and my hubby is Sgt D, she will remain Baby D on the blog. Her name is a mix of my grandma's middle name and Sgt D's mother's first name. The middle name is one we thought sounded pretty.

Baby D was born on November 12th at 1:26pm. She was 8 lbs even and 19 inches long. At birth she had blue eyes and a full head of brown hair, her eyes have already started to darken to brown. She looks just like Sgt D, it is scary, luckily she is way prettier than he is. I had a c-section, and Sgt D was the person who got to tell me that we had a little girl, it was a very emotional experience for us both, and really quite amazing.

We spent two days in the hospital, and were so glad to get home. As it turns out, Baby D is quite the night owl, and I personally cannot wait until she is on a regular schedule, awake during the day and asleep at night. I know that it will be awhile before she sleeps through the night, but it definitely gives me something to look forward to.

Sgt D is a natural with her, in fact as I write, he is holding her and trying to rock her to sleep. Keep in mind that it is after midnight and she has been up for 4 hours straight and we are both exhausted. She is a bundle of energy at night.

The difference a day makes

Today I am someone's wife, someone's child, someone's friend, someone's relative, etc. Tomorrow I will be somebody's mom. The biggest adventure of my life is starting tomorrow and I can't wait. The best part is that I get to share the experience with my husband and my mom, my dad will be coming up the day after to meet his newest grandchild.

While the title of the blog will always be the same, because I hope that Sgt D and I will always be in that wonderful/magical newlywed frame of mind, I have a feeling that a lot of the posts from here onward will have more to do with what it is like raising our family and doing so in the army. I know there will be many challenges, especially during deployments and training, but I know that there will be even more to celebrate and share too.

Pictures and a post may not be up for a couple weeks because I am having a c-section (Baby D is breech - already doing things the hard way!), but as soon as the hardest part of my recovery is over, I will definitely write about the first few days and post pictures.

The Waiting Game...

I am playing the waiting game right now. Don't get me wrong, so are Sgt D and my parents, but I have a feeling for me it is slightly different. Mainly because it is my body that is going through hell and back.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am the least patient person in the world. I am a big fan of instant gratification and if there is one thing I have learned from being pregnant it is that some things are worth waiting for. One of those things has been waiting to find out the gender of Baby D. I just told my mom the other day, so now I can share with everyone else one of the main reasons we decided to forgo finding out the sex of the baby: we were having fun torturing my mom. She wanted to know more than both Sgt D and I combined so we decided it would be good for her to have to wait. We told her last Thursday and even she got a great big laugh out of our reasoning.

The other part of the waiting game that has been difficult is the fact that Baby D is breech. We have already tried once to turn him/her unsuccessfully, and on Nov 12th we will be trying again, this time under an epidural. If it works I will be induced that day, if it doesn't work they will do a c-section immediately afterwards. It is hard when you are ten days away from one of the biggest moments of your life because time seems to stop completely. That is where I am at right now, frozen in time. Wish me luck for the 12th, this may be my last blog until December depending on what happens, but with an absolutely good reason.

Boobs!

***This post is intended for the purposes of humor and laughing at ones own stupidity***

When I was little, probably about age ten and onwards, I wanted boobs. In fact until I was about 26 I don't think I was ever satisfied with the size of my chest. I can admit it, I always felt like everyone was larger than life and I had somehow missed that growth spurt. Well, let me tell you!!! Being pregnant has changed all of that, and believe you me, the grass is not always greener on the other side!!!

Now that I have them, I don't want them anymore. Since getting pregnant I have more than doubled in size and it is not a welcome change. No wonder some of my bigger friends have breast reductions, I don't blame them one bit. Sometimes, smaller really is better!

Add this to the list of things I will not miss in a year, along with swollen hands, feet, ankles, and my abdomen. I will also not miss maternity clothes, which are so not flattering at all!

October Blues

I am suffering from what I am going to call the "October Blues". This is for many different reasons, but mainly because Sgt D is getting ready to deploy in a few weeks, and I'm getting ready to have Baby D without him here. Both of these things are really hard to handle emotionally, and regardless of whether or not I knew this could be part of my future when I got married it is still a tough reality to face. I don't know anyone who gets married and decides to start a family thinking that for any length of time they will be a single parent.

Sgt D has been great about dealing with my moodiness. He has helped decorate the baby's room (which is gorgeous!), hang curtains in our guest room for my mom, and he even stayed up until 3 in the morning with me the other night because I didn't want the day to end.

I am going to miss having a "partner in crime". Someone to share my daily ups and downs with and someone to take the load off me when things get a little crazy in baby world. His sense of humor is one of those things that has been essential these past two years to my dealing with the roller coaster that is being an army wife and not having access to his dry cutting humor is going to stink. I think what I am going to miss most though is his smile and the way his whole face lights up when he is really happy or just trying to cheer me up. All I can say is that I hope they have Internet access where he is going to that we can see each other every so often on web cam!

Vacation

We have been on vacation now for exactly one week and are so far having an absolute blast. We have gone to the San Francisco Zoo where we were lucky to get to see a baby gorilla and take a ton of cute pictures. We took my car into the shop for some much needed TLC, and shockingly enough, even in the Bay Area someone in the military can get a military discount! We went to the California Academy of Sciences. I hadn't been there in about 20 years and was absolutely amazed. The rain forest with all of the butterflies was probably my favorite exhibit, but that was only because we went on a free day and the aquarium was so over crowded that it was hard to enjoy. We drove down to Monterey Bay for the day, handled some very important personal stuff and also went down 17 mile drive. We did 17 mile drive on our honeymoon almost 2 years ago and we enjoyed it as much this time as we did last time. It is some of the most beautiful parts of the coast I have ever seen.

Next week we are heading up to Lake Tahoe for some alone time. I am really looking forward to showing Sgt D another place in CA where I spent a lot of time as a child. We are not staying in Sugar Pine Point (camping at 32 weeks pregnant is not my cup of tea), but he will be able to get a general feel for the area and see some amazing scenery. Then we have my baby shower and head back to reality.

Block Leave

Sgt D has orders to deploy, can't talk about where or when it is going to happen, but let's just say it is imminent. With orders comes the opportunity to take two weeks of leave beforehand for the soldier and his/her family to spend some time together. We are opting to take the second week of leave only, that way Sgt D can save more up for when he comes home to spend time with Baby D. I am getting excited about our plans for block leave because we are going to take a trip and do something we have never done before.

We are going to drive down the coasts of Washington, Oregon and California on our way to my parents house for my mom's birthday and my baby shower. It should be a really great drive at a great time of year. I am just waiting for my high risk pregnancy assessment on Thursday and the all clear to travel so that I can start making reservations. So far we are planning on spending a night in Florence, OR at Edwin K Bed and Breakfast. After enjoying the 5 course breakfast that comes with our room, we will head down to Eureka/Samoa, CA where we will have dinner at a place I have been dreaming about for 11 years, The Samoa Cookhouse. We will spend the night at a yet to be determined place in Eureka and then drive down to the Bay Area.

I am really excited because the furthest north I have been on 101 is Samoa, CA and Sgt D hasn't been much further north on the 101 than San Francisco, so it will be something new for both of us to experience together, and it will be our last childfree adventure for a very long time!

A second one?

People in my life keep asking me if I am going to have a second baby. All I can think is, "Are you kidding? Can't I have the first one before I make a decision like that?!?" This first pregnancy has been anything but easy, even the doctors at Madigan agree that I have had a rough pregnancy, and frankly on a day when I have to go for a walk-in triage appointment for pain is not the best day to ask me that question.

To be honest, I don't know if I want to have a second one, at least I don't know right now. A year or two ago, I probably would have said I would like to have at least 2. Things change though, and now that I'm more than half done with my pregnancy and everything that has happened during it physically and emotionally, I don't know if I can go through it all again. Only time will tell I guess.

The doctor told me today that my rib cage is literally being splayed apart from all the pressure of the baby and the fact that I have a small frame. As my mom keeps telling me, I just don't have enough room inside for everything in addition to the baby. The doctor also said that the pain is going to get worse before it gets better, so until the baby is born, please don't ask me if I'm going to have a second one, because I am in no condition to make that type of determination right now!

Getting my craft on

On Sunday night Sgt D and I started to clear out the closet in the baby's room. After all, we need a spot for all of Baby D's future belongings...right? We decided to move all of my yarn and fabric bins (a total of 3 large tubs) into our office/guest room. While Sgt D was doing all the heavy lifting, (I have the world's greatest excuse for not helping) I decided to go through one of the yarn bins and I found some pretty surprising stuff in there. None of the yarn was mine! All of it belonged to my grandma, who sadly passed away from Breast Cancer when I was a senior in college.

I had forgotten that after she passed away my papa gave me all of her yarn and crocheting supplies because I was the only one in the family who did anything like that. My grandma taught me to crochet when I was probably about 10 years old. It never really took, and I've always been a better knitter. The box didn't just have yarn in it though, it also had two unfinished projects: a baby blanket and a granny square afghan.

Keeping in mind that I haven't picked up a crochet hook (for actual crocheting - they have their uses in knitting too) in about 18 years, I was able to figure out the pattern on the baby blanket and finish what my grandma started. It was such an amazing experience working on what was probably one of her last projects. The blanket is now in Baby D's bassinet and waiting patiently for Baby D's arrival. The other blanket is going to be more slow going. I have been able to locate two of the three colors used in it (luckily it is no dye lot yarn, so I don't have to worry about the age of the yarn), and I will hopefully finish it in the next couple of weeks.

Working on these afghans has given me lots of ideas for Christmas gifts, which has made me excited, especially with my school ending in 2.5 weeks and the fact that I will need something to occupy my time during my last trimester!

Sacrifice

When I became an army wife I knew that I was going to have to make multiple sacrifices. For instance: being able to choose where I want to live, potentially never being able to have a stable career, time with my husband when he is deployed or in the field. I knew all these things when I said "I do", heck, I knew them when I said yes to his proposal.

Some days are harder than others though. I consider myself a pretty strong minded independent person and I hate relinquishing control over any aspect of my life to anyone. It is hard to say, "Ok, tell me what to do next and I'll do anything you say." In fact, saying that is damn near impossible for me. I want to have a say, I want to have a vote, and more importantly I just want to be heard.

That is not a reality when you are married to someone in the military. You lose your vote on all the things you once held as sacred and all you are left with is how you will handle the situation. Will you handle it with grace and dignity? Will you become angry and bitter? Will you become the army wife that most civilians think of - the cheating rotten human being who does not care about the sacrifice their spouse is making for them and their country?

I want so bad to be able to handle all this with grace and dignity. I am beginning to realize that at times it is absolutely necessary to put it in the hands of God and trust that he will take care of me and my family. When you are somewhat of a control-freak...that can be a major challenge. Please be patient with me while I struggle to become worthy of the challenge.

Projects

With Sgt D away and the fact that I'm not working I have needed to find things to do to occupy my mind and my time. I am currently enrolled in three online courses, and after this experience I have no intention of ever taking another online course again. It is, however, a means to an end, and once I complete these three courses I will be one step closer to completing my Masters degree. I am also working on a knitted blanket for Baby D. It is super cute in blue and green stripes (no, the colors have nothing to do with whether Baby D is a boy or girl, I just happen to like them). Pictures to follow when I finish it.



While I've been home my mom helped me pick out fabric for a quilt I would like to make for Sgt D. Oddly enough it too is in blues and greens. I think he is really going to like it when he sees it. All my fabric is washed, starched, ironed and ready for cutting. Hopefully it will not take me forever to make. My mom and I have also been working on curtains for Baby D's new bedroom. My mom had this jungle print in her closet for who knows how many years and it is perfect because we decided to go with a jungle theme for the baby room.

Today though is going to be the best distraction of all, and while it does not fit into the category of projects I think it bears mentioning. I'm going to see Harry Potter! Can't wait :)

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

I just got back from a Giants game, even though I live in Washington I've still managed to attend two so far this season, and one was in Washington! The first game was the Giants against the Mariners, and while the Mariners won (every dog has their day) it was still an awesome game. My parents flew up for the weekend, and Sgt D, my parents and I all went together. It was the first time that my dad went to a ballgame at a "foreign stadium", so that was pretty cool.

Today I went to a game with a friend from elementary school. We had a good time even though the Giants got stomped. Oh well, they won 7 of their last 10, so they are still tops in my book. My friend was wonderful, the game was for my birthday and while we were there, she bought a tee for Baby D. It says "My first Giants Tee" on it and is super cute. Can't wait to try it on our little one...although i am going to have to wait another 4 months for that to happen.

The rest of my stay in California looks like it is going to be just as fun as the first week was. I am going to have dinner at my favorite restaurant tomorrow and spend Thursday and Friday with my mom. On Saturday I get to see my extended family including my niece and nephew, which I am really looking forward to. I brought down one of Sgt D's old BDU uniforms to give to my nephew. He is a cutie, whenever I talk to him he always asks me how Uncle GI Joe is doing. I'm not even sure if he knows Sgt D's name at this point, but Uncle GI Joe is so cute that I don't have the heart to correct him.

More later in the week....

Normal fears

Sgt D is deploying soon. In order to get ready for that deployment he is going to the field for a month. This is the longest we will be apart since we got married. To top it off, I'm also 20.5 weeks pregnant, which means our little bundle of joy has begun to turn my insides into a one-sided kicking contest, and Baby D is definitely winning. I decided that during the first part of his training I would come to California for a visit, which I'm glad I did because I am usually so busy here that I don't have much time to think about just how much I miss him until I go to bed and right when I wake up in the morning.

One thing that is really hard though is that Sgt D did not get to feel Baby D move before I left, he got to see it on my last night, but not feel it. This has just about broken my heart. It makes me think of all the other "firsts" that are going to be missed in the coming year. I know that it is important not to focus on this, but it is on my mind and I can't really help it. I am reminding myself that I need to be strong, which I am, but sometimes I wish that I didn't have to be. Oh well, this is the life of an army wife and a soon to be army brat. We will get through and we will support Sgt D 110% during this deployment and whatever else the army may have in store for us.

Footprints on my belly

As most of my readers know I have not been having the easiest of pregnancies, I'm 18 weeks and 2 days along and I've already been to the ER twice and I've had to have a consult with the Maternal Fetal Medicine group. I haven't been able to consistently take my prenatal vitamins because they either make me throw up or make me wish I had thrown up. I haven't been sleeping well because I cannot get comfortable (and this is causing me to be a cranky bugger, just ask Sgt D or my mom, who have more than once been on the receiving end of my crankiness).

Well...today made the past 4 months all worth it. I got to see Baby D on an amazing ultrasound and this is my favorite picture. Baby D was making footprints on my belly and on my heart. I fell absolutely head over heels in love today with Baby D, and I'm finally starting to see past my misery to what I have to look forward to in 22 weeks!

Dear Doctor

Dear Doctors everywhere,

I just thought I would point out a few things that you may have forgotten on the road to becoming the medical "genius" that you are today. Your patients are people, they have real emotions and real issues, they are not something to be studied in a vacuum. Your actions can impact not only your patient but all of that patients loved ones who are depending on your expertise to make the patient better.

Your patients deserve a good bedside manner and are looking to you to be their advocate, that is why they have entrusted you with their health care. You are not the only fish in the sea and believe it or not, for the most part, patients have a choice in whether or not they allow you to continue as their health care provider. Please remember this the next time you have over-booked yourself and can only allow five minutes for the exam and no time for questions. Also remember that, believe it or not, your patients have schedules and lives that are just as hectic as yours is, and when you keep them waiting you are potentially interfering with their entire day as well. Most people work for a living or have other commitments during the day and do not have time sit idly in a waiting room while you send emails and twitter on your blackberry.

I would also like to take this time to thank you. I realize that what you have done by becoming a health care professional is a great thing. You have chosen to help others and at times you sacrifice your personal life and time with your family to do so, please do not think this goes unnoticed or unappreciated. Sometimes it is easier to be angry with you personally rather than a health care system that does not work because we know you, and the health care system, while part of our lives, is a somewhat abstract entity.

Please take these suggestions and compliments to heart. Patients everywhere, this one included, would appreciate any positive changes that may result.

Sincerely,
A patient of 27 years, 11 months and 6 days

Advice

Sometimes when you tell a friend that you are having a bad day or that crappy things are going on you really do want their advice on how to handle the situation. Generally when you are looking for advice phrases such as: "what do you think?" "what are your thoughts?", are common.

Other times though, you are simply looking for someone to listen and be supportive. You don't want their advice, in fact you don't even want their thoughts on the situation. You just want to know that they care and understand what you are going through.

Today I am looking for someone to listen and be supportive. I'm not looking for advice or how someone else would have handled the situation because guess what, no one else is in the situation, I'm the person going through it and all I want right now is someone to empathize with me. I don't want to hear about a time you went through something similar or how you think I should handle the situation. I am handling it, I just wanted to share part of my day with you and know that you care.

Before giving advice or thoughts, make sure that the person you are giving a piece of your mind to actually wants it. If not, all you may be doing is upsetting them even more and that is probably the last thing in the world that they need right now!

(Sorry for the rant, but I needed to get it out of my system and off my chest!)

Food Glorious Food!

I'm back up to three meals a day and two snacks! I am so excited. So far the second trimester is infinitely better than the first one, which was just painful. My energy level is up and I know that eating regularly is so much better for Baby D.

Who knew how happy a simple sandwich and chips could make me. Amazing!