Naked Baby

Baby D likes to be naked.

In fact, that might just be the understatement of the year, she LOVES to be naked. Put her in just a diaper and her whole personality changes. She becomes this baby who loves to move and explore. She becomes more vocal and smiles even more often.

The only problem with her loving nudity, is that when it becomes absolutely necessary to wear clothes, like when we have to go out, at naptime or at bedtime, she screams her head off. I mean, you would think that I was trying to cut her toes off with gardening shears.

I can't wait to see how Sgt D reacts to his daughters love of nudity when he comes home!

Moral Support

I am very blessed. I get moral support from just about everyone in my life, in fact I can't think of one person who is not in my corner (at least in some form or another). Part of that is the people I choose to surround myself with, the other part of it is...I guess there is no other part, I simply have amazing people in my life. I have my wonderful husband, who I miss desperately. I have my parents, my god parents, my in-laws, and true friends who sometimes seem more like family than friends.

I received a letter in the mail from my husband yesterday and it made me cry. Not because it was bad news, and not because I was missing him horribly (which I always am), but because he said exactly what I so desperately needed someone to say. That I am a good mom. I have heard it from friends, and I hear it all the time from my mom, but to hear it from him somehow made it feel more true. He is not even here to see or know all that Baby D and I go through each day, but somehow he just knew what I needed.

I would like to thank all the wonderful people in my life for being there. Even when I am being moronically stupid and self-deprecating. Thank you for putting up with me and for all the joy, love and support that you bring into my life...you know who you are :)

Bad News

How do you break bad news to some one who is thousands of miles away? I mean, if I tell Sgt D about something terrible that happened or is happening, what good does it do? Yes, he does know about it, but does it also make him feel somehow powerless? He is thousands of miles away and is not able to do anything about it other than listen and then sit on the FOB feeling guilty that he is not here to help. Even if his being here would not change anything, I'm sure he feels somehow helpless, I know I would.

So how do you do it? How would you tell someone about a bad thing that has happened in their civilian life? I just do not know how to do it in a way that is not going to end up causing even more damage than necessary...

What's in a name?

EVERYTHING!!!

Baby D knows her name! She is only 18 weeks and 2 days old and she knows her name. One of my proudest mommy moments yet! I confirmed it by the fact that she turned her head away from the television when I called her name so I could take her picture. She did this not just once, but twice!

I cannot wait for Sgt D to call so I can tell him about his baby girl!

Sleep

Sleep. It is precious. I would even go so far as to say that it is sacred, and I certainly do not think that until 18 weeks ago I gave sleep the kind of respect that it deserves.

Sleep rejuvenates us, helps us to stay healthy and fight off illness. It helps us maintain our sanity during times of stress (both emotional and physical). It is good for us on so many levels and I honestly never gave it much thought until recently.

AnneMarie is like any typical baby her age (18 weeks). She gets tired after a few hours and needs to take a nap. She usually takes 2 or 3 a day. Nighttime sleep is a whole different story. She will fall asleep anywhere between 6 and 8 pm, and wakes up like clockwork at 11:30 pm for a "midnight" feeding. Then the rest of the night is in someone else's hands. Take last night for example: she was up at 11:20 pm for her "midnight" feeding, and then fell promptly back to sleep. At 1:51 am she was back awake. She wasn't hungry, she just wanted a playmate. I went in after 20 plus minutes of fussing that turned into full blown screaming/crying with tears and nursed her to what I thought was asleep. Boy was I wrong, as soon as I was back in my room and halfway into my bed...she was fussing/screaming again. I went back to her room to try to rock her down and she was not having it. She smiled at me and stared at me expectantly for 20 minutes as if to say "Are we going to play now?" I finally put her down, took the baby monitor, went into my office, turned off the monitor and fell asleep while she fussed. I woke up an hour later, turned the monitor back on and she was asleep. AnneMarie then slept until 6:23am, nursed herself back to sleep and remains in her bed now.

I realize that according to all kinds of different "sleep experts" there are probably a thousand opinions on the different things I did "wrong" last night, but you know what...I'm alone, with no help to speak of, no support in just letting her cry it out in the middle of the night (or anytime of day really) and I had to do what I had to do. She isn't going to be helped by an exhausted mommy and she needs to learn to fall asleep on her own. (At least that is what I told myself 1000 times before I turned the monitor off.)

I can't wait until that wonderful morning where I wake up at 6am and lay there in awe and wonderment at the fact that my little girl made it a whole night.

Sleep is precious people!

Home

Home has come to have new meaning for me. Home used to be where I grew up, where my parents were and all the people I went to school with. Now home is where Sgt D is (even though he isn't here right now). I spent 4 weeks at "home" with my parents, and the whole time I just felt as though there was this hole in my heart. I got back to my own house yesterday and even though Sgt D is not here, this really feels like home.

All of our memories are in this house, all of his things, our furniture, our bed, our computer, but most importantly, he is here. I can get up every morning and see his boots lined up under our counter and I know I'm home. I can open our closet and see all of his clothes and know I'm home. I can open my eyes in the morning and see all of his war books lined up on top of his dresser and know that I'm home. Somehow, being in California and him not being there makes it feel less like home. I guess that is because Sgt D is such a major part of my definition of home now.

Don't get me wrong, I loved visiting with my parents. I have missed them every day since I moved up here, but there is just something different about being there versus being here, and that difference is Sgt D.

2 months down

SGT D has been gone for two months and here's what I've learned:

1. The term friendship means different things to different people. It is a lot more flexible for some people than others.

2. I am stronger than I ever imagined - both physically and emotionally. It is amazing what you can accomplish when there are no men around to help you... Not to mention when you have a 16 lb baby to carry around everywhere.

3. Family is important - and the definition of family is flexible. You can surround yourself with people who become an extended family when yours cannot be there.

4. Smiles are priceless and one smile in the morning can make up for an entire night of screaming :D

5. You can either let a deployment beat you or you can beat a deployment. It is all about attitude and outlook. If you face it as only a year and lately the years have been flying by at lightening speed, then it really is not that long.

6. You can accomplish more than you ever thought possible if you empower yourself. Give yourself permission to solve problems on your own and you will be able to! So far I have filed our taxes, sold and bought a car on my own. Next month...paying off Sgt D's truck!

7. It is ok to let yourself feel down once in awhile. You do not have to be a rock all the time, give yourself permission to cry, just do not make it an every day occurrence or the deployment will begin to beat you and you cannot allow that!

8. Grandparents are awesome! As are next door neighbors!

I just need a second...

Lately, I feel like I need to ask permission to bitch. As though I need to preface my rant with "I just need to get this off my chest, please do not try to compare your issues with mine, just let me speak my peace so I can move on."

Sometimes I just need to rant, when I am particularly upset about something I just want to be able to complain, rant and rave until I have gotten it out of my system. It usually does not take long, and I am only looking for an ear, a shoulder, a friend. I have found, however, that lately if I have something I need to get off my chest, certain friends (not anyone that reads this blog), feel the need to tell me that my situation is not that bad, and they have experienced something to much worse, or they know someone who has. I do not know how to tell these people that I do not really care about what they have gone through, or what someone else has gone through, that I am more concerned with myself, my baby girl and my husband right now. Is it really that hard to just listen and be empathetic?

I think what other people do not understand is that unless you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes you really cannot compare experiences. The best you can do is listen and if (and only if) asked provide helpful suggestions. Do not try to compare, as I cannot possibly exactly understand what someone else is experiencing, you cannot truly understand my pain. All I need is for you to please be a good friend and listen. Thank you.

A Pain You Cannot Make Go Away

Today I had to take my little baby girl to the hospital for some tests. She has been having blood in her diapers for over a month and the first three times we went to the doctor (including one ER visit last Friday) the doctors said that she had anal fissures (tears in her bottom). I had a hard time believing that so I took her back to the doctor today, and low and behold, the doctor agreed with me that there was no tears and there must be another cause for the blood.

The doctor said that we needed to run tests for baby anemia because she has been losing blood for a month. This is incredibly dangerous because anemia in a baby so young can cause developmental delays. They are also testing her for food allergies, because she is breastfed only it is possible that she is allergic to something that I am eating. I am hoping to get answers pronto.

It was the worst day ever, 1000 times worse then when she got her vaccines. They had to use three different veins to get blood out of her, and they finally had to squeeze the blood out of her hand. She cried and screamed the entire time. I felt so helpless. I now know that the hardest part of being a mom is when your baby is in pain and you cannot make that pain go away.

First Cold

Baby D has her first cold, complicated by a her first bout of pink eye. My heart is in pieces seeing her so sick. I cannot remember a time in my life where I have ever felt so helpless and so mean at the same time. I feel helpless because I cannot take her pain away, I feel mean because I have to give her pink eye medication and I hate making my little girl cry :(

In other news Sgt D is so far doing well. He's been gone for a month and received his first care package already. I have his third one all together. I just need to get my butt to the post office to send it. It feels really weird to be sending him a birthday care package when his birthday is a month away, but I want to make sure he gets it in time. Mom, dad and I bought him a PSP and a few games. I think he is really going to enjoy it.

Missing daddy big time!

The Mommy Pillow

I have recently discovered that I make an incredibly comfortable pillow, at least in the eyes of my 2 month old. In fact as I type she is passed out on my chest acting as my own personal heater.

Today she was very fussy, most likely due to the fact that yesterday she had her 2 month check up and her first round of vaccines. The nurse told me it would make her a little fussy, and boy was she right. So far I have rocked her to sleep four separate times and each time she has woke up unhappy, so for the fifth time I laid her on my chest and she is fast asleep. Now I'm afraid to move. I guess that means I'm significantly more comfortable than her cradle or crib. Tomorrow we are going to go out and do something.

Patience

Anybody who knows me knows that I was not blessed with an over abundance of patience. Let's be honest, I was not blessed with any patience. Ever since Baby D was born though, boy have I had some learning to do, and it is a steep learning curve. Here are a few things I've learned:

1. Be patient when changing a diaper, if you do not wait long enough you will either get peed or pooped on, and sometimes...both!

2. Be patient when breastfeeding, if you get frustrated so will the baby and that only leads to getting bit or gummed.

3. Be patient when putting the baby down in her crib, if you put her down before she is truly asleep, it could easily be another hour before she really falls asleep.

4. Be patient with yourself, if you think you should have things down immediately and this is your first baby, then share what you are smoking with me, because it does not all come that easy. It isn't like woosh the baby is out and you become super mom. Nope, you have to work really hard, and even then, you are going to screw up.

If you are really patient you sometimes get rewarded with toothless grins like this one:

Tis the season

It is three days until Christmas and this year it is a real mixed bag of blessings. I was given the greatest gift of my life last month with the birth of my daughter. The month before that my parents gave me the gift of two months of their loving support, my mom in person and my dad letting my mom go for two months to be with me. I know that it hasn't been easy on them to be apart for such a long time, especially when you consider they have been together since they were teenagers.

The mixed bag portion comes from the loss of my husband's grandfather this past weekend, and my husband's imminent deployment to far off lands. I have also been struggling with being sick, which is made all the more difficult because I have a 6 week old that I need to nurse and take care of, and lets not even mention the sleep deprivation that comes along with the 6 week old. I know in my brain that I can handle taking care of her by myself in the coming year, but that doesn't make the thought any easier for my heart to handle. I just keep reminding myself that I need to put my big girl panties on and just make it happen. No one else is going to do it for me and I have to do it for her.

Fear

Who knew that someone so small and cute could instill such a sense of foreboding and fear in a person. I love my daughter to bits and pieces but when she starts to screw her face up into the "I'm gonna scream and there's nothing you can do about it" face, I just get this sense like the world is going to end. I know the main reason I fear that face is because there isn't much I can do to make her feel better most of the time. She has a little bit of trouble going to the bathroom (this should improve in a couple months as her stomach muscles get stronger) and besides feeding her and holding her, until she can tell me or show me where it hurts we are both at a loss.

One thing I have decided I am going to do in order to help both of us is start using baby sign language. I ordered a book last week and it arrived today and it said to start at six months with about six signs. It isn't until that age that babies have the hand eye coordination to be able to make the signs back. The book has a total of 300 signs to use with Baby D and I am going to spend my time in the next 5 months trying to master them so that I can communicate with my baby. From everything I read there are nothing but positive outcomes from babies who sign at an early age, including: higher IQs, stronger verbal abilities at earlier ages, etc.

It is hard to believe that I am afraid of a cute little baby wearing a bright pink snow jacket...

Sleep

Sleep has suddenly become a precious commodity around our house. No one is getting any it seems...except for Baby D, and even then only during the day light hours. It turns out that our little girl is a bit of a night owl. I am hoping this isn't foreshadowing a future of late night partying and skipping curfew, but who knows at this stage. All I do know for certain is that everyone around here is tired and in desperate need of a nap!

Another thing that sleep deprivation has caused is a new love for the weekends. On the weekends, Sgt D is home and can help me in the wee day light hours by taking her and letting me catch a few zzzzz, unfortunately that means he isn't sleeping as much as he would like on the weekends. Normally that would bother me, but honestly, I'm too tired to care right now :)

Here's our angel...WIDE AWAKE!

22 Days

That is how old my daughter is today. She is 22 days old. I can't believe that I have been a mom for 22 days already. It is still somewhat surreal, but that could also be because of the sleep deprivation that I am currently experiencing. Sgt D works all day so he needs to sleep at night, which leaves me to carry the load during the nighttime hours. Luckily my mom is still here to help me out in the mornings when I get to experience a few precious hours of sleep. Baby D has so far mastered the fine art of smiling (it is NOT gas!), and she is enjoying her daily belly time and working on lifting her head. I am quite proud of the progress she has made.

In 22 days she has gained a full pound, now weighing in at 9 lbs even, and is at least 2.5 inches longer than she was at birth. She has her mommy, daddy, nana and grandpa wrapped around her little finger and is absolutely perfect in every way...although she does need to work on sleeping through the night. I am hoping that will come with time.

Welcome Baby D

We have been parents for 16 days now, and I guess I should tell you a little about the newest addition to our family. Baby D is a girl, I'm sorry, but just like I am Mrs. D, and my hubby is Sgt D, she will remain Baby D on the blog. Her name is a mix of my grandma's middle name and Sgt D's mother's first name. The middle name is one we thought sounded pretty.

Baby D was born on November 12th at 1:26pm. She was 8 lbs even and 19 inches long. At birth she had blue eyes and a full head of brown hair, her eyes have already started to darken to brown. She looks just like Sgt D, it is scary, luckily she is way prettier than he is. I had a c-section, and Sgt D was the person who got to tell me that we had a little girl, it was a very emotional experience for us both, and really quite amazing.

We spent two days in the hospital, and were so glad to get home. As it turns out, Baby D is quite the night owl, and I personally cannot wait until she is on a regular schedule, awake during the day and asleep at night. I know that it will be awhile before she sleeps through the night, but it definitely gives me something to look forward to.

Sgt D is a natural with her, in fact as I write, he is holding her and trying to rock her to sleep. Keep in mind that it is after midnight and she has been up for 4 hours straight and we are both exhausted. She is a bundle of energy at night.

The difference a day makes

Today I am someone's wife, someone's child, someone's friend, someone's relative, etc. Tomorrow I will be somebody's mom. The biggest adventure of my life is starting tomorrow and I can't wait. The best part is that I get to share the experience with my husband and my mom, my dad will be coming up the day after to meet his newest grandchild.

While the title of the blog will always be the same, because I hope that Sgt D and I will always be in that wonderful/magical newlywed frame of mind, I have a feeling that a lot of the posts from here onward will have more to do with what it is like raising our family and doing so in the army. I know there will be many challenges, especially during deployments and training, but I know that there will be even more to celebrate and share too.

Pictures and a post may not be up for a couple weeks because I am having a c-section (Baby D is breech - already doing things the hard way!), but as soon as the hardest part of my recovery is over, I will definitely write about the first few days and post pictures.

The Waiting Game...

I am playing the waiting game right now. Don't get me wrong, so are Sgt D and my parents, but I have a feeling for me it is slightly different. Mainly because it is my body that is going through hell and back.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am the least patient person in the world. I am a big fan of instant gratification and if there is one thing I have learned from being pregnant it is that some things are worth waiting for. One of those things has been waiting to find out the gender of Baby D. I just told my mom the other day, so now I can share with everyone else one of the main reasons we decided to forgo finding out the sex of the baby: we were having fun torturing my mom. She wanted to know more than both Sgt D and I combined so we decided it would be good for her to have to wait. We told her last Thursday and even she got a great big laugh out of our reasoning.

The other part of the waiting game that has been difficult is the fact that Baby D is breech. We have already tried once to turn him/her unsuccessfully, and on Nov 12th we will be trying again, this time under an epidural. If it works I will be induced that day, if it doesn't work they will do a c-section immediately afterwards. It is hard when you are ten days away from one of the biggest moments of your life because time seems to stop completely. That is where I am at right now, frozen in time. Wish me luck for the 12th, this may be my last blog until December depending on what happens, but with an absolutely good reason.

Boobs!

***This post is intended for the purposes of humor and laughing at ones own stupidity***

When I was little, probably about age ten and onwards, I wanted boobs. In fact until I was about 26 I don't think I was ever satisfied with the size of my chest. I can admit it, I always felt like everyone was larger than life and I had somehow missed that growth spurt. Well, let me tell you!!! Being pregnant has changed all of that, and believe you me, the grass is not always greener on the other side!!!

Now that I have them, I don't want them anymore. Since getting pregnant I have more than doubled in size and it is not a welcome change. No wonder some of my bigger friends have breast reductions, I don't blame them one bit. Sometimes, smaller really is better!

Add this to the list of things I will not miss in a year, along with swollen hands, feet, ankles, and my abdomen. I will also not miss maternity clothes, which are so not flattering at all!