Things are about to change...

I think it would be safe to say that my world is about to change...again. I can't really talk about why on here, but suffice it to say that my nerves have started up and I am crazy excited at the same time. I foresee good things on the horizon for myself, my baby and for Sgt D. I know that at times things are going to be rough and difficult, but I also know that if we stick together as a family we can overcome any obstacle in front of us.

I know it sounds cheesy, but I really do believe that love and perseverance can help you through anything, and I think I possess a lot of both those qualities.

Surprises and Secrets

I suck at surprises. I always want to know what I'm getting. If I am the person giving the surprise, I want to blow it completely and tell the person before they get an opportunity to actually be surprised. Everyone in my family knows that I suck at it. I remember when I was in middle school my family was throwing my God Mother a surprise 50th birthday party. I think I spent 2 months avoiding her rather than be forced to keep the secret. To this day she is still shocked I kept my mouth shut and she knows the only reason I did is because I did not go any where near her for 60+ days.

I did not even bother finding out what Baby D was going to be and then attempt to keep it a secret from everyone else. I knew in my heart that I would blow it so rather than be tempted I kept my eyes shut during most of my ultrasound appointments and only looked when the technician told me it was safe to.

I am now keeping the biggest secret of my life. The return date of Sgt D from Afghanistan. He wants to keep it just between us. He said he will call everyone else when he gets home. Can you believe that?!? He expects ME to keep MY mouth shut. I asked him if he had ever met me before and insisted that if I accidentally spill the beans that I could not be held accountable for my actions because it is the most exciting thing to happen since November 12, 2009 when Baby D was born. Is he asking too much of me? Am I going to blow it? I certainly hope not but this would definitely be a good opportunity for people to start making bets on my ability to keep this to myself.

Hail to the Chief

I do not often write anything political on my blog, mainly because I am pretty disinterested in politics. However, seeing as my husband is in the Army and his ultimate boss is the Commander and Chief, President Obama, I have to say that the way some people behave with regards to the Office of President sickens me. Whether you approve of his politics, of his race, of his personal beliefs or not, he is still your president.

During times of war, financial crises, recession, and overall depression, it is vitally important that we support each other and support our leaders. If you do not like the current president that is fine, it is perfectly within your rights to dislike him. Wait until the 2012 election and speak your mind by giving your vote to another candidate. I think it is completely reprehensible, however, to bash our leaders in any way shape or form in a public forum. On blogs, for instance, or on television.

I have been able to legally vote in this country for the past 11 years and instead of going out of my way to whine or piss and moan about a sitting politician I have used my vote to voice my opinion. It is the only way to get things accomplished, and it is certainly the least combative way.

Whether I agree with the president or not, he has my support because he is my president. If in 2.5 years I decide that I am dissatisfied with the job that he has done then I will use my vote to make sure that a different person is voted into office, but I will not listen to or join in on the president bashing that seems to be so popular right now.

Good luck Mr. President, you have a lot on your plate and I have faith that you are doing your best to make sure that you meet the needs and expectations of the American People.

He leads, She follows

Being married to someone in the military is like being a dancer I would imagine. The soldier (usually a guy) leads and the spouse follows. 

That in mind, I am not much of a dancer, my dance experience and moves pretty much haven’t developed past middle school when you had your hands around your dates neck, he had his hands on your hips and you simply swayed back and forth.  The army though requires much more skill in their dances. They require you to be able to spin, twirl, do ballet leaps, sometimes dance on your toes, etc.  They also demand that you be able to switch styles mid routine.  In other words once you finally have the Cha Cha down you have to switch to Contemporary, and once you have that routine down, they suddenly switch the song to rap and you have to Crump. 

That is what it is like for a military family. The song is constantly changing and there is not always time to discuss what move you are going to do next. You may have your heart set on a simple lift and he decides to spin you across the room on your toes instead.  You have to adjust and make it happen, while also making it look easy and being graceful.  Not the easiest thing in the world, but that is what military wives do, we make it look easy.  We hold our heads up, smile and adjust our steps to the beat of the newest music playing in the background. 

I am adjusting. I think until my soldier is back in my arms I will continue to adjust to the beat, and after he is home we will start practicing a new routine…that is until the army changes the song again.

(This post is dedicated to my soldier, I cannot wait for him to come home so we can dance together again - this long distance dancing is for the birds!)

Scared to DEATH!!!

Baby D started crawling today.  I am torn between being a super proud mommy and being scared to DEATH!  She is officially hyper-mobile and the world is her oyster.  This is a good thing for her development, discovery, etc etc. This is a bad thing for someone who is staying in a two-story house that has NEVER been childproofed and someone who is returning to their own home in a couple of weeks which also has not been childproofed. 

It is scary to think that Baby D can now pretty much get wherever she wants to go, and even scarier to think that in a month or two she will be walking/running to get there.

Life has officially changed FOREVER!!!

Happy 4th of July

I would just like to take a moment of my faithful readers time to thank my husband and the men and women he serves with for my freedom.  You make my life possible and I am so grateful for all that you do.

Sgt D you are my own personal American Hero and I love you with all my heart.

Your baby girl loves you too!

Change

Things change. They change all the time. In fact, change is the only real constant in life. As soon as you think you have one thing figured out it changes.  My life didn't really change today, not for better or worse, but I did make an observation about one aspect of my life, my relationships.  I have found that in the last several years a lot of the relationships that I have had all of my life have changed.  It makes me sad when I think of how those relationships have changed, and the more I think about the topic the more I realize that it isn't the relationships so much that have changed, but rather it is me that has changed.

I don't want to think that I have outgrown a relationship or a person, but maybe I just don't have the same need for certain relationships anymore. Maybe the void those relationships were filling has simply been filled with something new and I am no longer dependent on them for whatever purpose they previously served in my life. I don't know.  What I do know is that I have grown a lot and my life has pulled me in a different direction.  I know that my life will continue to change in numerous ways, maybe one day my life will change in such a way as to bring those lost relationships back into my life. Until then...I have other things in my life to fill my time and share my love with and that thought makes me very happy.

Good Bye 20s

Today I turned 29. Which means that my 20s are officially over. Starting tomorrow I will be on the journey towards 30.  I can only imagine the crap that Sgt D is going to give me next year on my birthday. 

This past year was probably one of the happiest and saddest of my life.  This time last year my dad flew up to Washington to drive me down to California for a few weeks while Sgt D was in the field in Yakima.  The best present I received last year was from Baby D, she kicked my belly so hard that night that Sgt D was able to see her move for the first time. It was such a great gift :) 

In my 29th year I went to California 4 times. It was a record for me since getting married. I got to show Sgt D one of my favorite place in California, Lake Tahoe. He loved it so much that he asked my family if we could all go camping up there when he gets home. If that happens I have a feeling that my parents will be camping in a hotel and we will be in a tent. 

The best part of the year was November 12, 2009 at 13:26. Baby D was born and I got to share the experience with my two best friends, my husband and my mother.  She has brought so much joy into my life and I have loved watching her grow, change and discover these past 7.5 months. 

I have made some wonderful friends this past year and I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned just how much I can handle on my own and I have learned that it is ok to ask for help.  Asking for help is a hard thing for most people to do and I have learned that people cannot read your mind and will not step in/up unless you ask them to. Lucky for me there are lots of people in my life who can and will step up for me :)  I am blessed.

This has also been the hardest year of my life. I had a very difficult pregnancy, and was so excited for it to be OVER!  I have to say I will never understand women who say they love being pregnant. I most definitely loved it being over.  The saddest part of the year was on January 2, 2010, exactly 6 months ago. It was the day that Baby D and I had to say good-bye to Sgt D.  I've never had to do something so difficult in my life and I will be so happy when this deployment and war are over and behind us.

This next year I am looking forward to so much. I am looking forward to a wonderful homecoming for Sgt D. I can't wait to cook dinner for him, laugh at his dry sense of humor and fall asleep in his arms. I am looking forward to Baby D's first birthday in November.  I am looking forward to the first time Baby D sleeps through the night! I can't wait for that night, but alas, I know I will have to be patient.  I am looking forward to spending some time with both of our families over the holidays. We haven't spent the Christmas with my family ever since getting married, so I am really looking forward to it. 

Mostly though, I am just looking forward to having my entire family together again. I miss being under one roof. This whole waiting for the phone to ring is for the birds.  I hope 30 will be my best year yet, I'm not afraid of it I am looking forward to it :)

How do I do it?

A friend of mine who is recently married asked me "how do you do it?" Her husband travels for work and is often away for upwards of a month at a time.  She wanted to know how I can possibly handle this deployment, especially with a new (well not really so new now) baby and all.  I told her that it is not for the faint of heart.  It takes patience, love, forgiveness (not him, but the army), and something to keep you busy - lucky for me I have Baby D and she takes up ALL of my time.

Deployments are hard and as I have said before, it would be only to easy to let this deployment beat us.  I could give in to the loneliness, the hate, the anger that I feel - the hate and the anger are directed towards the army, the war, the leaders.  I could give in to all of those things, I could wallow in them and be a very unpleasant person to be around. Or I could do what I am doing already. I can try to be the best mommy for Baby D and the best friend and partner to Sgt D.  Neither or them needs or wants me to be angry or depressed all of the time.

I guess the simplest answer to"how do I do it?" is that I simply go on. I face everyday with the knowledge that Sgt D will be home eventually and we will move forward with our lives.  Yes it sucks to be apart, more that I can possibly describe, but it is temporary.  That is the part I focus on.  Nothing more nothing less.

Baby Book

I have been keeping a baby book for Baby D. It is not your typical baby book, more of a journal really, it is called "The First 1000 Days".  This is the prefect type of baby book for me because I know that were I trying to make my own scrapbook or even keep up with a traditional baby book, Baby D would not have anything filled in beyond the first couple pages.

The thing I like best about our baby book is that it is literally a blank page. I can write whatever I want in it and with the exception of some prompts towards the end of the book, I have complete control over the contents of the book.  The only problem I have with it is that every day something new happens for her, whether it be learning a new skill or tasting a new food and I am finding that I do not have enough room to write everything that I want to.

One thing that is going to be cool is when Sgt D comes home he will be able to look through the book and the pictures I have been sending him the past 6 months and he will have an idea of what happened, when and what she looked like on those days.  Another thing I am excited about is the day, years from now, when I get to give it to Baby D.  Hopefully she will appreciate the wonderful gift of getting to see herself as a child :)

Cutest.Baby.EVER!

I don't really have much to say with this post other than isn't my baby ADORABLE!!!

I'll be cured...

I was talking to Sgt D today and I told him that it was good he called me today because if he hadn't I would have started to worry. I told him it was a sickness and that I would be cured of this disease sometime in the next 4 or 5 months.  He laughed because oddly enough my time frame for a cure coincides with his not soon enough homecoming :)

I realize that a deployment isn't a disease, but sometimes the side effects can feel like one.  The constant worrying, the sleepless nights (oh wait, those are mostly because of Baby D), the emptiness in my heart, etc etc.

I can't wait for my cure and I am so glad that we have more than passed the halfway point!

And now in Baby news...

She stands! Well she can pull herself up to standing from a seated position when sitting on her changing table, but in my mind that is still a huge milestone.

And speaking of milestones, Baby D sure has had a lot of them lately.  She is now eating most veggies and has had bananas, pears (which she is allergic too), peaches and apples.  Next week we are going to do mangoes.  She is eating chicken and turkey now too.  The coolest thing when it comes to eating, at least from the mommy perspective, is that she likes to feed herself now.  She can feed herself puffs, biter biscuits (her favorite), and last night she fed herself chunks of sweet potato for the first time.  Baby D is growing so fast it is amazing.

As of this morning she weighs 21.5 lbs, is wearing size 12 and 18 month clothes and size 4 diapers.  I can't believe how far she has come since November when she weighed 8 lbs and was wearing newborn clothes.  My little girl is not so little anymore, but she is definitely still my baby.

Dear Deployment

I hate you. I realize that hate is a very strong emotion but I cannot help the way that I feel. You have taken so much from my family this year. You have deprived me of my partner in life, Sgt D. You have deprived Baby D of her wonderful loving daddy, and you have taken away Sgt D’s only opportunity to see Baby D grow and change during the first year of her life.

We have missed out on so many things this year. We lost Valentine’s Day. It would have been nice to have been able to cook a candlelit dinner for my husband and enjoy a quiet romantic moment with him after Baby D went to bed. We missed out on Sgt D’s birthday in March. I love birthdays, and celebrating them has always been important to me, this year would have been amazing for Sgt D because it was the day that Baby D laughed for the first time. He would have loved to receive that as a present. Our first Easter with Baby D came and went without any fanfare. I dressed her up in her bunny outfit and took some really cute pictures to send him, but other than that it was just another day in our lives.

Mother’s Day was particularly difficult for me. It was my first Mother’s Day, not counting last year when I was pregnant, and I am sure that Sgt D would have done something special to celebrate the day. I guess I will have to wait until next year to find out what it would be like to have my whole family present. My mom did rescue the day partially by being with us. It was nice to be together, three generations of women, but if I had a choice, I would much rather have had Sgt D deployed! Father’s Day was really hard, harder than Mother’s Day actually. I wanted to make him feel special and let him know just how important he is to our family, but alas, I had to settle for a 15 min conversation on the phone. I couldn’t even send him a care package for a multitude of reasons, so he will get his Father’s Day presents some time in July.

I cannot say that this experience has been all bad. I have learned how to do so much on my own. I have learned that I can go for months on end sleep deprived and not kill every person that tells me babies do sleep through the night. I have developed a sense of control over my emotions that I never previously had. I used to let the tiniest thing set me off and maybe it is a combination of becoming a mother and having to deal with everything on my own, but I do not sweat the small stuff nearly as much as I used to. I think that the love that Sgt D and I have for each other has grown even deeper and that we have developed a more intense appreciate for each of our little quirks. I miss watching him come home and straighten up our house because he can’t sit still unless it is perfect.

Maybe hate is too strong of a word…but I know this much deployment, we will never be friends. You have taken too much from my family and I.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled army wife of a deployed soldier

Mrs. D

Moments

I think I may have finally figured out the part of this deployment that I hate most. It is all the little moments that Sgt D is missing in Baby D's life.

He missed the first time that she turned in response to her name. That was such a huge moment that I actually wrote a blog post about it. He missed the first time she discovered her feet. Now it is a challenge to keep them out of her mouth, which I really only do when she is wearing socks. Nothing like having wet socks on your feet. He missed the first time she reached out when someone offered her their hands and asked if she wanted to come to them, that was so amazing because I was finally able to see her social personality developing. He missed the first time that she impatiently put her arms out when lying on her back and grunted at me as if to say "you will help me to sit up...NOW!"

All of these moments have added up to watching her fun and bright personality develop. This deployment has stolen so many moments from us, but I can't bring myself to be bitter towards it. As much as this deployment sucks and as much as I hate it, it has given me so many life changing moments that have taught me volumes about myself and my family. I only wish Sgt D could have been here to experience them firsthand.

Holidays

This was going to be a post about Father's Day, but clearly I am a day late and a dollar short on that bus ride. So instead I decided to write about holidays and special occasions in general and how much they have changed for me over the past 7ish months.

The biggest change is Baby D. Holidays and special occasions were always cool to me simply because they were special and they break up the monotony of our every day lives. It is nice to have something to celebrate and while some holidays (like Valentine's Day) are asinine to me, I do enjoy them for the most part. Whether it be picking out cards to send to special people or maybe wearing a cute themed outfit (St. Patrick's Day comes to mind), it is a nice distraction from our daily grind. Now I get to dress up Baby D for the holiday and, well this goes without saying, I get to take cute pictures of her, and as she gets older these holidays will only be more fun as she starts to take a real interest in them.

The other big change is of course that Sgt D has been gone since the beginning of the year and I no longer get to celebrate anything with him. I realize that this is only temporary, but I never realized just how much that would change my perspective on things. I think I can honestly say that if it were not for our beautiful baby girl, I probably would have skipped or ignored the vast majority of holidays this year.

The day I am looking forward to least is my upcoming birthday. I am going to be 29, Sgt D is always reminding just how close I am to the big 3 0, and I just don't really feel like celebrating. For starters, I can't have anything to eat that I would like to because of Baby D's food allergies. This means no cake, no ice cream, no pie. I am honestly considering telling my mom to just stick a candle in my salad for me to blow out. I know this too is only temporary, and that this time next year I will get to eat real food again, but for some reason it makes it feel even less like I am having a birthday. Then there is the fact that I picked out and bought my own birthday present from Sgt D. He is in Afghanistan and not exactly near any great stores to go shopping so I decided to take care of it myself. I got exactly what I wanted and it is a fairly practical gift (a Tom Tom with lifetime traffic and maps), but this too makes the day less special. I will have no presents to open, although I am sure my mom and dad will have a card for me which will be nice (they already bought me a nice brand new pair of sandals that I wanted).

I guess to sum this long blog post up, I can just say that things have certainly changed this past year, especially my perspective on life. More importantly though...I can't wait for next year. Even if it does mean I will be turning thirty!

The month of May

Some of you may have noticed that I did not blog at all in the month of May. Believe me I have a good reason. I spent the entire month sick and in and out of the hospital trying to get properly diagnosed and then treated. The real icing on the cake was the fact that the treatment proceeded to make both Baby D and I sick after wards!

I am lucky because my mom was able to come up to Washington and take care of Baby D and I while I recovered. I ended up getting mastitis, which turned into staph (because the doctors put me on the wrong medication) and then Baby D and I both got Thrush/yeast infection. To say the least May was a really fun month.

Some good things happened though. Baby D turned 6 months old. I got to enjoy my first Mother's Day, I even got a really special card from Sgt D. We made a new good friend and Baby D had 3 play dates this month. I am trying to get her used to being around lots of different people so she will be social.

We are both healthy now, and the best part is that we are in California with my parents. Baby D has finally found her voice and is babbling away. She sounds so cute, but let me tell you, when she is angry, watch out! She is learning so much everyday and it is fun to watch her discover new things. She recently discovered her ears and likes to pull them a lot, she has also discovered arching her back and she does it every time she gets upset or is done with whatever activity we are doing.

Clearly She's Thriving

The past 4 months I have heard "clearly she's thriving" a lot. I have heard it from doctors and even from friends and family. It has always been after I have told someone that Baby D has been bleeding in her stool since Christmas. Believe it or not, hearing "clearly she's thriving" evokes a very powerful angry and frustrated response from me. The first thing I think is that yes, my daughter is gaining weight, in fact she isn't even 6 months yet and already weighs 18 pounds. The second thing I think is would you be saying the same thing if it was your child? NO!

I'm sure that the people who have said this to me did not mean to upset me, rather, they were probably trying to reassure me. The problem is, nothing is going to reassure any mother when their child is bleeding from an unknown cause and it takes 4 months to get definitive reasons as to the cause.

Tomorrow is our follow up appointment with the pediatric GI specialist and we will hopefully finally get some answers. I am particularly happy because my parents are coming with me and I think the doctor will treat me with a little bit more respect with them present. Wish us luck!

The "In" Crowd

It is very easy to feel isolated living up here, so far away from family and friends, especially with Sgt D deployed. Sometimes I feel as though I am back in high school and I am not part of the "in" crowd.

The "in" crowd is that group of army wives from our unit that get together at least once a week to commiserate and what not. I have never been invited to any of these get togethers, and occasionally that really gets to me, especially since I am supposedly friends with several of the women who attend. I do not know why I let it get to me, considering the fact that in all likely hood I would never go myself. I am not one for idle gossip and I stick to Baby D's bedtime routine as if my life depended on it...mainly because my sleep does. All that aside, it does not make the fact that I am blatantly left out every week hurt any less.

I guess I will just have to continue to remind myself that if these women cannot be bothered to include me then maybe they are not really my friends after all. I graduated from high school 11 years ago and sometimes it feels as though I will be stuck in 3rd period English forever!

Naked Baby

Baby D likes to be naked.

In fact, that might just be the understatement of the year, she LOVES to be naked. Put her in just a diaper and her whole personality changes. She becomes this baby who loves to move and explore. She becomes more vocal and smiles even more often.

The only problem with her loving nudity, is that when it becomes absolutely necessary to wear clothes, like when we have to go out, at naptime or at bedtime, she screams her head off. I mean, you would think that I was trying to cut her toes off with gardening shears.

I can't wait to see how Sgt D reacts to his daughters love of nudity when he comes home!