This Old House

I grew up in an old house. I am going to say it is probably around 80 years old...well that isn't being entirely fair. The addition to the house is probably closer to 21 or 22 years old. Not exactly young for a house.  I love my parents house. It has a lot of character. It has a completely finished attic, which when we originally went house hunting in 1992, my parents and I jokingly referred to as E's room (E is my older brother). Oddly enough he did end up living up there in his late teens - his choice.  It has two garages, a his and hers if you will and you can tell the which one is which!  When we moved in it had the UGLIEST wallpaper I had ever encountered in my life, it still holds the record 19 years later!  Mom and dad quickly tore it down and have since repainted the entire room.  It has a basement that has flooded at least once, a chimney that is literally strapped to the side of the house, and an awesome back yard with a spa (that mom and dad added when I was 15 - my high school friends loved parties at my house). 

Sgt D and I are building our own home. We got to pick everything, right down to the style and brand of our toilet. Can you imagine making those choices? If we got the colors wrong we are stuck with them for a very long long time!  We picked our fridge, our stove, our cabinets, the flooring, the counter tops, etc etc etc.  It was exhausting.  My parents even flew up one weekend to help us make some of the decision regarding electrical because neither Sgt D or I was qualified to make those choices on our own. Thanks mom and dad for always having our backs!  We are going to have a cookie cutter home, the only character our house is going to have is what we bring to the table. I cannot wait to move in and start bringing some of our character into the house!

Here is a little picture collage of our house from the day we put up the SOLD sign on our lot through today. As of this afternoon our house has a roof and windows. It is really starting to look like a house!

Do I Make You Proud?

This is a question that occupied my mind a lot growing up and into my adult years. The question was usually directed towards my parents. I wanted their approval, but more importantly, I wanted to make them proud. I wanted them to be able to proudly say to any person they met that I was their daughter.  I still want to make my mom and dad proud, but these days I keep thinking about another person in my life that I want to make proud, Toddler D.

I am not seeking her approval, but I do want her to want to say "that is my mom and she is the best". I truly want to do everything in my power to make her proud to have me as a parent, mother, confidant and friend. I am proud of my parents. I think they are truly amazing people. To have gone as far in their lives as they have and to have accomplished all that they have professionally while neither of them possess college degrees is so impressive. It is, I'm sure, also part of the reason it was so important to them that I get my college degree, not because they thought it would put me above or ahead of anyone else, but rather so I wouldn't have to encounter many of the struggles that they faced in their professional careers. I am proud of them because they have been married since 1972.  How many people these days can say that?!? And even more importantly, they are still in love!  That makes me so proud of my parents because they never gave up on each other, even during the hard times. I don't really know if they had hard times but I assume that all marriages go through periods that are rougher than others.  I am proud of the fact that they are STILL taking risks and chances. They travel to far off countries that I know they would never have gone to 20 years ago, but now they just buy a plane ticket and go.

That all being said, I have been thinking about this question: How do I make Toddler D proud? Is it my actions? Is it how I treat her, her daddy, the people in our lives? Is it having a job/career? Is it making beautiful things? What can I do that is going to make her proud to say that I'm her mommy.

This year, 2011, has become a year of self-improvement for me. Not because I set a New Year's Resolution, but simply because as the past three months have gone by I have come to recognize that there are things about myself that I want to change and improve upon, for no one other than me. This time though, I want to make a change for her. I want to go out of my way to act in ways that would make her proud, quite specifically treating others the way that I want to be treated. If I want to be respected then I need to act in a respectful manner at all times. This may very well be the hardest part of parenthood. When you are single or it is just you and your partner there really isn't anyone watching you, but when I see my little mimic I realize that she is watching my EVERY MOVE and it is time that I act in ways that I want her to mimic and learn.

Success

Every time I think of the word "success" I think of the movie "The Secret to My Success" with Michael J. Fox at the very end when the song plays "The Secret of My Success". I love that song and actually whenever I need to spell the word the song plays in my head because they spell it out.

What the hell am I talking about?!?

I was just wondering how you measure success? I have found over the past few years that my measuring stick has changed. I used to measure it based on my job, my income, where I lived, etc. etc.  That has all changed. I can't measure on most of those things anymore. My "job" is a stay at home mom, part-time photographer who isn't making any money, crafter/designer, and wife. I guess I can also add full-time student to that list as Toddler D teaches me something new every day.  So how do I measure success in my life? Am I successful because Toddler D can put a puzzle together by herself?  Am I successful because I designed her Easter basket entirely on my own? 

I know I am not a failure at life, but I wonder if I can describe myself as successful at life? Thinking of the different people in my life I would definitely have to say that my parents have been very successful. They both have jobs that they have grown in and they have a beautiful home and family.  Both of their kids are doing "okay" and they now have the freedom to travel the world which, when Sgt D isn't deployed, they do quite regularly with their traveling buddies. 

I think I can honestly say that some things I have been very successful at and other things I have, in the words of Sgt D, "Super Failed" at.  I can live with that. We learn from our failures and I am still learning from mine.  One things is for sure...Toddler D was more than a success, she was a Super Success!

7 Days Can Change A LOT!

Here is what our house looked like on Day 0

Big weed covered empty lot

Here is what our house looked like on Day 1:

Big hole in the ground with a garage concrete slab

Here is what our house looked like on Day 2:

Big shipment of wood and the beginnings of garage walls

Here is what our house looked like on Day 7:

We have a second story!!!

And a roof too!!!

When I say seven days, I mean build days. Quadrant - the builder, does not work at all on weekends. Can you believe the progress from day 0 to day 7?!? These guys know what they are doing!

Spoiled v. Blessed

Someone asked me the other day if I thought I was spoiled. I said "No, but I do think that I am a very blessed individual."

I think there is a fine line between being spoiled and being blessed. I think that when I was younger the argument could definitely be made that I was spoiled. My parents spoiled me, my God parents spoiled me, my boyfriend spoiled me, etc etc etc.  I think as I have gotten older things have changed from being spoiled to being blessed.  Don't get me wrong, my parents and God parents are still just as generous and giving to me, it is me that has changed.

I am a much more grateful person. I see now just how lucky I am to have the people in my life that I do, and how lucky I am that they are in the positions they are in to help me and my family.  I am so thankful for them and thankful for all that they do for me and that is where the difference lies. I now know what it means to be truly grateful and thankful for all that I have and all that I have been given.

As a child and teenager and even into my early twenties, I took a lot of things for granted. I took for granted that I went to private schools and that my tuition was for the most part entirely paid for. Yes, I worked while I was in college, but it wasn't to pay the bills, it was so that I could have spending money.  Now, when I look back, I thank my lucky stars that my parents were in the financial position they were in and were able to send me to a top rated west coast university.

Knowing when you are blessed versus simply taking it all for granted, that is the difference between someone who is spoiled and someone who knows they have it good and is thankful to those that make their life possible.

A lot of people have made the quality of my life possible and I am grateful to each and every one of them.  Thank you for blessing me all these years with your love and generosity. You know who you are and I cannot imagine my life without you in it, and I frankly don't want to either!

Foundations

Our foundation is being poured this week. Sgt D says he wants to buy a lawn chair and sit out front and supervise while they work. I told him that he wouldn't know if they were screwing up anyways, so he should just leave it to the professionals!

We are going to go down to the home site next weekend and will post pictures when we have them!!!

WOOT!

Why I don't like Valentine's Day

Mainly I think it is a contrived holiday. I mean seriously how many relationships have been killed by the Valentine's Day Kiss of Death.  The guy forgets to get the woman in his life flowers or a card or dinner reservations, and she, well she holds it against him until the end of time!

I'm not a fan for a whole lot of reasons, mainly I just don't enjoy the holiday. I would rather my husband tell me he loves me every day of the year rather than save it all up for Valentine's Day and our anniversary. I'm not saying a card wouldn't be nice, Sgt D is an amazing poet and I love when he writes me nice little notes in cards, but please don't go and blow our budget on some stupid gesture like roses that are just going to die in a week. That is not how I want our love represented, with something that has the life span of an ant!

So for all of you that are really looking forward to Valentine's Day, ask yourselves this question: Is the fact that he remembered to get you flowers or chocolates really a sign of his love, or does he demonstrate it daily throughout the year?  Be honest with yourself now. I hope for the sake of your relationship he is showing you daily and not saving it all up for one frivolous day.

Sorry to be a killjoy, but I just don't like contrived holidays, in case you are wondering I'm not a big fan of Halloween either. Hopefully as Toddler D gets older, I can get more "in the spirit" so that she has a chance at enjoying the day.

Taking the Plunge

No, I'm not going swimming.

For two reasons. First, it is only 31 degrees outside and second, I'm just not a very good swimmer (a fact that Sgt D thinks is funny considering I'm from CA).

What plunge am I/we taking?!?

We are buying a home and having it built up here in WA!

 

There we are in front of our lot, and yes...that is a SOLD sign!

More blogs to follow on this adventure in our lives as we get to essentially design it from the ground up. Stay tuned!

Temper Temper

So I guess it is possible to say, and perhaps justifiably so, that I have a temper.  A big bad hot temper.  It could also be said that when someone sets off my temper that I go for the throat/kill shot.  I do not know how to hold back when my temper goes off, I just say whatever comes to mind.

This is all quite unfortunate because if I have been irked for a few days at a person and they finally manage to put that tiny little straw on my already upset temper and it snaps I unleash everything I was balling up inside of me in one fell swoop.  Maybe you could compare me to a sleepy lioness or tigress. I am pretty to look at from afar, but do not upset me or I will use my jaws to rip out your jugular and then I will eat you for my mid-day snack.

In fact my temper is so bad at times that Sgt D actually remarked today that there are times when he wonders which one of us actually deployed to Afghanistan, seeing as his anger issues are at times nothing compared to mine.

Obviously this is something I need to work on. Mainly because this time next year I am going to have a two year old and GOD FORBID I unleash my temper on her.  Mind you my temper is not of the violent type. Simply the type where I need to learn to hold my tongue in my mouth and breath for 10 minutes prior to speaking.

NOTE: I am not putting this out there for advice or for funny jokes at my expense, I am merely holding myself accountable for the things I do and trying to better myself for my wonderful family. They deserve a wife and mommy that is nice and can keep a civil tongue in her head.

Settling back in

Some days it feels like this deployment and reintegration period will never be over. We are still settling back in to a routine and to each other.  There are times when I see my husband and wonder where he has been, then there are times when I see him and wonder who the person is standing in front of me.

We have both been changed so much by this deployment. I know I have become even more hard headed and independent (for those of you who know me it may be hard to believe that I could be EVEN more hard headed). I know how I like things and how I want things done and it is so hard for me to let go of the simplest of routines.  I am trying though. I have stepped almost completely out of bath time, that is no longer one of my things. I give Toddler D and Sgt D their time together every night, it is good for all three of us I think.

Sgt D has become angry and short tempered. Luckily I am the only one who gets the brunt of this, whether deservedly or not.  I hope that he finds a way to channel his anger into something positive. Lately he has channeled it towards committing mass murder on his COD Black Ops game. Better he channel it towards fake people than towards us.  Sometimes it takes a lot to set him off and sometimes it takes something as stupid (now this is my opinion) as his football team losing and he is like an atomic bomb. Just get out of his way! 

My biggest hope is that I am more of a help bringing him around to a happy place again rather than a hindrance. Each night we hang out for about an hour after Toddler D goes to bed and then we each do our own thing for about an hour. I have been working on my unfinished projects bin (pictures to be posted upon completion of said projects) and he has been doing his video game thing or watching random television shows.  I think in some ways the space is a really good thing for us, but what is most important is that we no longer feel the need to spend every waking moment together. We have grown. Each of us doing the things that make us happy individually helps us to be happier with each other.

We will continue to settle back in, and I'm sure by the time we are as close to 100% as we are going to get the army is going to throw something completely new at us and we will start a brand new readjustment period.

Fears

I have always felt that fears fall into two categories, rational and irrational.

It is amazing how much my fears changed in 2010 and have evolved once again in 2011.

2010 Rational Fears:
1. My husband's job could literally have be the death of him (this was completely rational seeing as he was deployed to Afghanistan).  In 2011, this is less of a concern. He is home and for the most part whole. War changes people for good and for bad, I can live with those changes because I (for the time being) do not have to live with the fear of what his job might do to him and our family.
2. My daughters health issues getting worse.  Year one was not always a smooth path for Toddler D.  Health wise she seemed to take more after mommy than daddy.  In 2011, however, we are going to focus on the positives and not panic about health concerns unless they become a problem.

2011 Rational Fears:
1. Another deployment. This one is somewhat irrational because Sgt D already has a report date for Army School and unless World War 3 breaks out (God forbid) I do not really see this one coming to fruition.

Irrational Fears:
1. Spiders: I am afraid of them, but really...I can defend myself.
2. Dogs: I just do not like dogs. I do not mind dogs I know, but all other dogs can just walk on the opposite side of the street as far as I am concerned.

I used to be a lot more afraid, in fact, I think if I had tried to write this list 2 years ago it would have gone on for pages. 2010 taught me so much about myself and my family. I know in my heart that I can handle just about anything so long as I have the support of loved ones.  I do not think that my rational fears will go away, at least not for 14.5 more years when Sgt D retires from the army, and I do not know a single parent that does not worry about their child's health.  However, I do not view this as a problem either, have a little bit of fear is healthy, living in fear, now that is when you know there is a problem.

Happy 2011!

I hope everyone had a happy, safe and healthy Holiday Season.  We were for the most part happy and safe, the healthy part we got to eventually.  There was a short bout of gastroenteritis that struck the family but the family that gets sick together stays together.

To celebrate 2011, the year that I turn the big three oh (30), by writing my bucket list. My rules for myself were to make the items on my list things that were reasonably achievable and things that I have always talked about doing. I feel that if it is in writing that maybe I will actually accomplish them and hold myself accountable to them.

Here is my list (they are numbered but they are in no particular order):
1. Finish my Master's Degree (if I am feeling really jazzy, I would also like to complete a PhD as well)
2. See Italy
3. See France
4. See Greece
5. See the United Kingdom
6. Make a crazy quilt (hand sewing to required)
7. Learn how to sew clothes (I know it is in my blood, it is time I tapped that part of my DNA!)
8. Learn how to play the piano (life long desire)
9. See the Northern Lights
10. Visit the Vatican
11. Learn to meditate
12. Own my own home
13. Go on vacation/honeymoon (we never really had one) with just Sgt D
14. Get some of my photography published somewhere
15. Hike to the top of Half Dome (Sgt D promised to help me make this one happen)

This list could go on forever I am sure, but as I said I wanted them to be reasonable and things I could actually accomplish in my life time. I hope to do more than the 15 things listed above, but this is a good starting point for me.

What's on your bucket list?

Traveling with a Toddler

We have not even left yet and I already think I hate traveling with a toddler. Thus far we have packed a suitcase for her, one for us, a footlocker, one tub of toys, one tub of Christmas presents (mind you we are just playing delivery boys as they belong to my mother), one pack and play, and one stroller. This does not include a bag of snacks, the cooler full of milk and a second bag full of car toys and her babies.  They only thing we haven't packed in the kitchen sink!

The biggest question in our minds is just how long is Toddler D going to tolerate being in the car tomorrow. Will we make it to Roseburg, OR or even further? Gone are the days when Sgt D and I could just get in the car and drive to our destination with little more than fast food stops, gas stops, and potty breaks. 

I am not looking forward to having to entertain a one-year-old who hates being trapped in the car seat for this 780 mile trip. I already know there will be lots of screaming and crying and it makes me worried about how Sgt D will handle the joy that is traveling with a little one as he has yet to experience it. 

My next post will be from California!

Friends

It seems to me that lately I have become more aware of just how blessed I am by the wonderful people who surround me. Our family is truly blessed with the most wonderful friends and adopted family.

I know that if you can count your friends on one hand you are pretty darn lucky and I can honestly say that I find myself using both hands these days. I have friends that I talk to every day, friends that I see every week, and friends that I know if I did not talk to them for a year and I called them at 3 in the morning they would pick up the phone and our relationship would start right back where we left off. That is pretty special. 

Good friendships I have found are hard to come by, in fact, I'm not sure that every person knows how to be a good friend or what a real friendship feels like. To me it feels like my favorite sweatshirt that I cannot live without. It is the sweatshirt that is stylish no matter what the current fashion trend happens to be and it always fits, even if you have not seen it in six months or a year. 

One of the hardest parts about being a military spouse at the beginning of my army wife career was being afraid to make any friends. I was always afraid that as soon as I made a friend we would have to pick up and leave, but I have learned over the course of the past year (deployments sure do teach you a lot), that true friendships will travel with you, regardless of what part of the world you end up in.  Thank God for modern technology: skype, email, and free long distance!

To all the wonderful ladies who have become an extended family to us this year, thank you! I love each and every one of you!  To all of my friends who were with me before the deployment, I will continue to lean on you as I always have and I hope you will continue to lean back...I do not want to fall :)

Thanksgiving

This year I have so much to be thankful/grateful for. I am an incredibly blessed individual and I recognize that fact more and more with each passing day.

I have a wonderful husband who returned home to Toddler D and I after a tour in Afghanistan.  He not only came home to us, but he came home to us relatively unscathed, all things considered. God was smiling on our family during his deployment and we are definitely grateful for his return, his health and the twinkle that is starting to return to his eyes.

I have an amazing one year old who is growing and learning more and more with each passing day. I told Sgt D tonight that I thought I would never love anyone as much as I love him...that is until I met Toddler D. She takes my breath away.  I am thankful that I get to experience all of her victories and stumbles with her. It gives me a glimpse into what I must have been like as a child and what a rare gift that has been.  I cannot remember a time in my life where I have laughed as much, clapped as much or cried tears of both joy and sadness, as this past year. Thank you for bringing her into my life.

I am blessed with two of the most giving and generous parents of all time. Not only are they my parents but I count them as two of my best friends and inspirations. This is going to sound really hokey but when I grow up I really want to make them proud.  They gave my family so much this past year and did it completely out of kindness and love, I do not think I could ever repay them.  They have 5 grand kids and I think they make each one feel special.

I am thankful that my husband has a job that allows me to stay home with our baby and raise her the way I am sure most people dream about. I do not worry about being able to put a roof over her head or food on the table because of his job and all that it provides. It may not be glamorous or even popular, but it is good honest work that involves a lot of self-sacrifice.  Thank you Sgt D for all that you do for our little family.

I am grateful for the fact that I live in a country where I have a say in how things are run, and even more grateful for the fact that my opinion matters. That is a gift from the founders of our nation and I am proud to call this place home. 

I am grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. My friends, family and adopted family.  The support of the people in my life helped me survive the last year and I am so thankful for each and every one of you.

This list could go on and on and on. I could list all the simple things like the laughter of Toddler D and the sound of her slow steady breathing over the baby monitor, but if I did that I would be writing straight through Thanksgiving. Instead I will finish this post with a simple prayer: God please continue to shower my family with love and keep us in good health. Amen.

Living with a Toddler

We made it, Baby D is now one year old!!! Not only that but I think we can no longer refer to her as Baby D, from this point forward she will be known as Toddler D.

Let me tell you, life with a toddler is interesting. I feel like she is in a constant state of motion and I am in a constant state of trying to keep up with her. It feels like every weekend we head over to Babies R Us for more baby proofing gear that we never knew we would need...that is until Toddler D figures out how to do something new.

Two weeks ago she learned how to open one of our baby gates (we now keep it LOCKED), last week she taught my friend's fourteen month old how to do it! We had to put safety locks on all the drawers in the crafting room because she can not only open them but she feels that it is vitally important that she go in them EVERY DAY! I think our next purchase will be doorknob locks of some kind as she can reach the doorknobs with the tips of her fingers and she knows that is how you open a door.

She only just turned one but I feel like we are dealing with a two year old. I cannot complain too much because it just means that our baby is SO SMART!

Another thing I have observed since the toddling began is that we are constantly saying several phrases: "You're Okay", "Bonks", and "You've got to watch where you're going". These phrases are said at least 100 times each per day in this house. Not to mention the fact that every day she is covered in more and more bruises from walking into doors and walls. We really need to work on that watching where she is going part!

She is so curious about everything! It is fun to watch her try to figure out why there is a bright patch on the wall when she is playing with a flashlight. She does not know yet that she controls that bright patch, but give her a week and she will have it figured out.

First year pictures will be posted on her picasa page as soon as I get the CD this weekend.

Happy Birthday to our precious little toddler amazon!

Stage Moms

I am not a stage mom. In fact after watching a few episodes of "Toddlers in Tiaras" I have somewhat come to despise stage moms. However, I cannot sit here and write that I did not feel an overwhelming sense of pride and joy in my beautiful baby when she won a photo contest that we entered her in last month.

The contest is called "Cuties in Costume" and it was for a calendar being produced to benefit Juvenile Type 1 Diabetes. We only entered her because each entrant got a 10 minute session in their costume with a professional photographer and a free 5x7 picture. I did not for one minute expect that Baby D would be one of the 12 winners, but I am definitely happy that my baby won.

If you would like to see the pictures of the winners please click here. You may have to like the photographers Facebook page to view the pictures, but it is well worth it. The photographer is Shawnie Deutsch and her calendar will be going on sale soon.

This Mama could not be happier right now that her baby won, I can not wait for our 8x7 picture and our copy of the calendar! But I insist that I AM NOT a stage mom!

Wanting

Have you ever just wanted something so bad you could taste it? Feel it with every fiber of your being? I am there right now. In the wanting place. I was there about 18 months ago too. I got what I wanted then, but that time around me getting what I wanted depended solely upon Sgt D and myself. This time around...it depends on the ARMY. That is one of the hardest things about being married in the army, having to put important and life-altering decisions on hold until someone higher ranking than your spouse tells you it is okay to move forward.

I guess after three years of marriage I am still not used to having to ask a higher authority for permission. (I am clinging onto my independence with a vice like grip!) I do realize that this is a fact of my life now, but that does not mean that that I have to like it. And so I sit here, wanting and waiting. While I sit, I will make imaginary plans in my head and play with my baby until I hear the magic words..."They said YES!"

Objects

It is hard for me to let go of objects. I feel an emotional attachment to most of the physical objects that I have collected during my life. Sgt D is not this way. If he does not use it regularly and it is of little monetary value then he can part with just about anything. To say the least...this can cause tension between us at times.

I am trying to learn to compromise, after all I do not want to send Sgt D's OCD into overdrive. Since his homecoming I have so far cleaned out two foot lockers in our storage unit, two closets full of clothes AND shoes, and I am currently ripping all of our CDs onto a hard drive so I can sell those and put our DVDs into my old CD books. I feel this is a good start towards letting go of what Sgt D sees as "excess baggage" and in all honestly it has been somewhat of a cleansing experience.

Anyone who knows me well knows how hard this is for me, and seriously people, I should get extra brownie points for letting go of any shoes...after all a girl can never have too many pairs of shoes!

3 weeks

Sgt D has been home for three weeks now and it is amazing how much life has changed for all three of us. The changes are all good, and I couldn't be happier to have him home and know that he is no longer in harms way...that is until the next deployment. Please be patient with me if I don't blog as often as I am still getting adjusted to our new routine around the house.

Baby D is doing great with her daddy and calls him "dada" regularly. She knows who he is and loves him to pieces :)