Guilt and Joy

There is a lot of guilt that comes along with a deployment. You feel guilt every time you do something fun and your deployed spouse cannot be there. You feel guilt every time you your child hits a milestone and your deployed spouse misses it.  There is guilt every time you try a new recipe that you think your spouse might enjoy.

There are also moments of extreme joy. Like when the phone number pops up on the caller idea and I know it is him calling. Extreme moments of joy when Toddler D asks for him and says how much she misses him. It doesn't bring me joy that she is sad, it brings me joy that she loves him so much and that he is on her mind.

I try and photograph our days to post them to facebook where I know he will see everything. I yearn for the day when we are together again. For the day that Toddler D runs into his arms yelling "daya".  He called the other day and I told him all I want for Christmas was him under my tree. I know it is a silly thing to wish for because it isn't going to happen but a girl can dream right? 

Tomorrow we celebrate Halloween. I will take Toddler D trick or treating by myself and we will hand out candy along. Then we prepare to celebrate many more milestones without the man in our lives. Toddler D's 3rd birthday, the first Thanksgiving that I will be cooking, Christmas and New Years.  I will have a camera in my hand the entire time and SSG D in my heart every moment of every day.

Only the Strong

Almost invariably when people find out that I am a military spouse they make the comment "wow, you are so strong, I don't think I could do that."

I really kind of hate hearing that.  I also hate the fact that within the military community you have to be strong and if you show any signs of weakness then you are kind of looked down upon.  Well, here's a newsflash. Today, I do not feel strong, I don't feel weak necessarily, but definitely not strong.

I want my husband, I want him home and by my side. No, I'm not whining, I am simply stating a fact. I married him because I love him, I enjoy his company, and he makes my world whole and complete. Having him gone for so long is hard. I know some would say that you signed up for this when you married him, and you know what I would say to them...I didn't sign up for anything more or less than loving him. I would also say, that I married him, not his job. I don't have to like the deployments or enjoy them, in fact I would say that any military spouse who does like and enjoy them...well they need to work on their priorities.

It is hard to be away from him, it is hard to live with so much uncertainty.

I almost feel some days like I have to ask permission to have a bad day, or as if I should feel guilty for it. I am so OVER that. I am allowed to have a bad day once in awhile. Nobody can be 100% strong, 100% all of the time.  Today, I give myself permission to miss my best friend, to feel bad that my daughter is missing out on him. I give myself permission to be sad. Tomorrow, I can put my big girl panties back on and be strong again, but today...I give myself permission to grieve the time we are missing.

Sleep

Ever since he left I can't sleep. Well, I can but I really struggle to turn the light off at night. I am left alone with my thoughts and no one to share them with. It is the exact opposite when he is home I can't wait to turn the lights off, we talk in the dark, we cuddle and I fall asleep in his arms.

At the end of each day, good or bad, I feel like I am left with a burden on my shoulders and it has taken me exactly 4 months to figure out what it is: the burden of the day. Each and every happening: the milestones, the setbacks, the good, the bad, the ugly. I have no one to share them with. Now don't get me wrong, I have my girl friends and I have my parents, but it isn't the same as your partner, the person you share every part of your life with. I think that is one of the hard things about deployments, I don't get to share with him anymore.

Not because he doesn't want to listen and not because I don't want to share, but because our time is so limited and we need to discuss so many things that all the little details get forgotten. I miss sharing the little things with him. I mean I really miss it. When he calls I want to hear how he is and make sure I am doing everything I can on my end to support him, sometimes I forget that I need some support too, that it is ok to tell him that Toddler D hit me twice today and I am struggling to figure out a way to get her to stop.  I keep these things to myself because I don't want him to have that extra burden and worry while he is over there. Unfortunately, that means I carry the weight of a lot of things alone.

I'm not complaining, more than anything I am thinking and typing out my thoughts. Trying to figure out as I go with this post why it is that I can't sleep at night when I am so totally and completely exhausted. Every bit of me, from the tips of my toes to the ends of my hair, is tired.  And yet...I can't bring myself to turn the light off. The most counter-intuitive part of all of this is that if I just went to sleep, tomorrow would come faster and we would be one day closer to him coming home. Hello! Turn off the damn light and go to bed!

Harsh Realities of War

There are a lot of harsh realities of war, many that military families do not like to think about, and most civilians would never even contemplate. The harshest reality of war is that people die. Good people and not so good people. War involves death. It is a reality of our lives.

Last week someone that SSG D and I have known for almost 5 years died in battle. He was killed by a suicide bomber along with other men. This is the first person I have personally known that has died in this war and while I have heard of soldiers dieing and even seeing memorials on base and having men from my husband battalion die in the last deployment, this one has struck closer to home. Knowing the person makes a completely different impact. I have a greater understanding today of why it is hard for civilians to have any kind of understanding of what a military family goes through. I am military, I have been around these types of losses for a long time, and I have to say I wasn't prepared for what it would feel like when it was someone I knew and cared for. I have wept before for the lost men and women, but this one was more personal.

I used to think that civilians just didn't understand what it was like for military families (the long separations, the ptsd, etc) and now I realize that maybe this is something you can't fully understand or appreciate until you are living through it. Until it is knocking on your door and pounding all the louder when you refuse to answer.  I've always heard the saying ignorance is bliss and I have to say in this case it really was blissful not knowing what it would feel like. Now that I know it is all the more real. Scarier.

As the saying goes...Reality Bites.

Rest In Peace Major Kennedy.

Holidays

I have been saying for awhile now..."Every day is a Holiday in Toddlerland".  That is because the days are always the same, we get up between 6:30 and 7 - well honestly Toddler D probably gets up earlier than that but it takes awhile before she wakes me up. We play, have breakfast, do some kind of morning activity or errands (I like to do my errands in the mornings), lunch, nap, play, dinner, bed time.  Thrown in there is medicine twice a day for me and three times a day for her. The only variation in our day to day lives is the errands and weather. Weather is obviously a huge determining factor in what we can do on any given day and living in WA we get a lot of weather.

There just isn't much variety, don't get me wrong, we do go and do different things. This month alone we have gone berry picking, to a carnival, out for cupcakes, to the library for the first time, we go to the fabric store and the farmer's market (once a week each). We also go to gym 3 days a week.  But in the grand scheme of things every day is virtually the same. Me wracking my brain on how to keep her entertained and how to be engaging (because even on my worst days she deserves that!), and her exploring, learning and doing.  There is no such thing as a weekend or sleeping in.  Toddler D doesn't know how to sleep in and probably wouldn't want to anyways, it would cut into her being awake time and she lives for her awake and playing time! 

The days have started to run together and we are only 85 days into this deployment. That sometimes has me worried, especially in light of the fact that our travel plans for our next trip to California were completely destroyed this week. It is not easy to keep up this pace, when you consider that I am not sleeping well, I am stressed, I am in pain and I am a bit scared. Not about the deployment (though it is near the top of my list) but about the new medications I am starting. I am worried that Toddler D won't be getting everything she deserves. I hate feeling like I might fail or let her down in some way. It is one of the most terrible feelings a parent can have.  I am just hoping that I can keep up my stamina and be the parent she deserves.

With gym ending on Monday and not starting back up again until September I now need to wrack my brains to find new ways to get us out of the house during the week, because it would be so easy to become home bodies and that wouldn't be good for either Toddler D or myself. I am open to suggestions people, but just remember I also live on a budget so going to the zoo every other day is not economical for us!

66

In 66 days I have:

• Kissed boo boos
• Sang someone to sleep 132 times
• Made 198 meals
• Cried myself to sleep at least 15 different times
• Prayed constantly
• Gone to 4 doctors appointment for my baby girl and 2 for myself
• Administered medication to my baby 968 times
• Finished 2 quilts
• Made 50 quilt blocks
• Said good bye on the phone too many times
• Played at the park
• Gone to Kindergym and the Farmers Market
• Played Games
• Built with legos
• Painted Pictures
• Read books
• Done puzzles
• And So Much More...

Life goes on, I don't always want it to, but it does.  It is not the same though, it is different. Almost a shadow of how life is supposed to be, but on it goes.  Never stopping, we move forward, waiting, waiting for the day that we pick him up, the day he sleeps under our roof again, the day that instead of praying for his safety we are saying a prayer of Thanksgiving for his return.  Life goes on, like it has these past 66 days and will go one for many more days to come.

14:53

That is how long we have on the phone before we get cut off. 14 minutes and 53 seconds. In the grand scheme of things...that is really short!  It makes you re-evaluate all that NEEDS to be said to your spouse versus all the mundane things that you would normally share with him/her.

Our Priorities:

• Toddler D: health, welfare, education, cute stories, etc. Always the first thing on the list for both of us
• How SSG D is doing...it cannot be easy, no matter the job, to be in a combat zone millions of miles away from ones family.  How he is doing is a huge priority of mine because I want to know what I need to do or can do to make things a little better for him.
• Finances: seldom ever an issue for us, but it does need to be discussed from time to time.
• House: yeah, we own one now, and decisions need to be made
• My health: as the sole caregiver for our child right now...this is kind of important. We all know my health is not the best overall and if there are any sudden changes, we have to figure out how to handle them.
• How much we love and miss each other. Ok, honestly this is said about every other minute.  

Non-Priorities:

All the other mundane crap in our day to day lives.  We don't talk about drama with our friends or family. Sometimes we talk about the news, in fact just today he told me how cool he thought it was that all Active Duty military now had free access to National Parks. I totally agree and I know we are going to take full advantage when he gets home. We want to show Toddler D as much of the outdoors as we can.  

It is amazing how separation makes you re-evaluate what is important. Each deployment, heck, each day, I learn something new, about him, me, Toddler D, and us as a family.  And we only have 14 minutes and 53 seconds to share it all. 

Twenty Minutes

Did you know that is only 1200 seconds? Not very long in the big scheme of things. In one day there are 1440 minutes or 86,400 seconds. When you look at it that way 1200 seconds just doesn't seem like much time at all. Well, let me tell you, it's not.

Twenty minutes is barely enough time to talk about all the cute and adorable things Toddler D does in 24 hours, let alone talk about much else. I think that is one of the hardest things about deployments. Not being able to talk, not having that person to bare your soul to as often as you need. As parents, the first thing we talk about is our daughter, what she is doing, how she is handling things, how we should handle certain things. The next thing we talk about is how SSG D is doing, because I need to know that. I need to know that he is ok, that he is sleeping, that he is finding some time to just relax for 5 seconds a day and read a book or watch an episode of Babylon 5. These things are important to me, really important to me. It gives me hope for a sense of normalcy at the end of these 9 long months.  That leaves about 3 minutes for anything else, the "I love you's" and the "I miss you's".  Not much time. 

I miss him coming home and eating a meal with us, and going our high low (you may know this as the Rose and the Thorn). I miss that stuff, now don't get me wrong, Toddler D and I are doing those things with my parents, but it is just not the same. I miss him being there, I miss is dry sense of humor, I miss him picking up every toy in the living room before he can sit down for dinner (yes, OCD is a killer, but on the upside, my house is always clean). I miss him, and 20 minutes is not enough time to convey just how much I miss him.

I have started working on my first care package to him. Care packages are funny because you never know if what you are sending is going to be well-received or not. I mean I know he appreciates what we send him, but does he actually use them or like them. I always try to send dark chocolate, he is a choco-aholic after all. I always send him something to read - this time I will be sending two magazines and a book that didn't fit in his bag. The fun part is trying to send him some silly little toys that will make him smile. Last deployment I sent him a whoopie cushion, parachute men, and 3 cans of silly string. All big hits.  I have already hit the local toy shop and come up with a few little fun things to put in there. I am just hoping that each care package elaborates on all that I can't say in 20 minutes.

I live for those 20 minutes, they are just about the only thing that makes deployments bearable. I have to say that I just do not know how women did it during WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Desert Storm, etc. We are so lucky to get even the 20 minutes we get, and yet it will also never be enough. Funny how that works.

1200 seconds.

When Half of You is Gone

I was going to title this post "When Half of You is Missing" but my other half isn't missing, at least not in the I've lost him and I can't find him sense. He is gone, missing from our lives, away. He is a temporarily re-assigned soldier and his re-assignment is to Afghanistan.  That's right, SSG D has deployed again.  Last time, it impacted our lives greatly. I had to learn to make decisions that I never in a million years thought I would be making. I had to decide whether or not to allow surgery on our 4 month old baby, I had to decide whether or not to "buy" a new car (that's another story, and kind of a funny one), all kinds of decisions. Mostly the biggest impact was that I was alone with a 6 week old baby, very alone, like 800 miles from family alone. 

This time it is different though. This time Toddler D and I are surrounded by family, but the impact of SSG D being gone seems SO MUCH BIGGER! Now don't get me wrong, I'm used to running the house, and paying the bills, and all those things that I have had to get accustomed to doing as not just a spouse but as a military spouse. This time though there is this other little person involved, and man she doesn't like change. Especially the kind of change that takes her daddy away.  We have been reading some wonderful books written specifically for military children, one was given to me by a friend: Hero Dad, now Toddler D has this book COMPLETELY memorized after only a week and she actually read it to her daddy on the phone just last night, I think it took his breath away.  The other book was recommended by another good friend and is called: Lily Hates Goodbyes, I have read this book at least once a day since we arrived at my parents house. The cool thing is that we are doing a lot of the activities in the book that Lily does, perhaps that is why Toddler D likes it so much. These books and hearing from her daddy have really helped Toddler D cope with the big change of daddy going to work and not coming home for a long time. The only problem is that mommy is struggling.

I am pretty good at covering it up during the day, I don't want Toddler D to know what I'm going through, she has enough on her very small little plate. But man, I just miss him! I hate that he is gone. It took so long to get him back from the last deployment, ever so much longer than the 9.5 months that he was actually gone for. I just worry how long it is going to take to get him back from this one.  Nights are the worst. My biggest comfort every day he was home between deployments was crawling into bed and falling asleep in his arms, I seem to have a very very difficult time falling asleep without those arms. I even miss his damn snoring!

So my new daily (and nightly) quest is learning how to strive and go on while my other half is gone. I have to re-learn how to sleep alone, I have to find a new way to share my day with him, especially since we only get to talk once or twice a week, I have to find ways to cope.  I did the last time, and I know I can do it this time too...I'm just struggling right now. I need to give myself a break though, I have only been in this new normal for a week now, and the week and a half leading up to our separation was one of the most difficult we have ever experienced. Some might say "just do it, I don't know why it is so hard", well...that's easy to say when you haven't had to live it.  I'm doing the best I can right now and my best is going to have to do until I can get better at it. After all, this is only our second deployment...

Dear Cell Phone

How I love thee, let me tell you why...

You are my sole connection to my love. When you ring with a crazy jumble of numbers I know that when I hit the connect button I will hear the voice of my dreams on the other end. You have been promoted from my connection to twitter and facebook while at the park to my connection to Toddler D's Daya and my true love. 

For the next 9 months I vow to be exceptionally careful with you. I will endeavor to not drop you anywhere, most especially in any wet places, ie. the toilet. Your safety has suddenly become very important because of the link that you provide.  I will pay your bill on time and make sure that I do not go over my minutes or data plan. I don't want to give Verizon any excuse to shut you down. 

Please continue to receive calls, especially those most important ones from the funny phone numbers.

Yours truly,
Mrs. D

Army wife of deployed soldier

Small Moments = Big Memories

I've been trying to capture moments. In my mind's eye or on my camera.  Every chance I get.

Watching them play with her dolls in her bedrooms. I watched for a good 5 minutes from her door before they realized I was there this morning. There is nothing sweeter than watching a big strong soldier playing on the floor with his 2 year old little girls dolls. It just melted my heart, for both of them.

Walking in on them building with legos, she likes to go big or go home, so everything is tall and rickety. He likes to build superstructures and she likes to destroy them. Watching them interact and play just puts a smile in my heart.

I am trying to hold on to these moments and memories, so that when I get sad and down a month from now I can remember them, and when I can discreetly take a picture and capture that moment I do. I know it will come in handy when she is missing him and I need to remind her just how much he loves her and misses her.

The other night I was particularly down and they both came in the kitchen, turned on, as Toddler D calls it "The Cars Song" and we danced for like 45 minutes together. We all had so much fun. It was a small moment in time, a passing moment, but it was a lasting memory for all of us. 

Running Out of Time

I find that we are quickly running out of time. Time for long walks, time to go to the park, time to read stories and giggle together.  We are just running out of time. Don't get me wrong, these things aren't going to end or suddenly disappear from our lives, no, we will keep doing them, we just won't be doing them as a whole family for awhile.  This separation is taking its toll on us. Toddler D knows and understands that Daya is going away, she doesn't understand the reasons and likely she wouldn't care if she did understand, but she definitely gets that he is leaving. This is hard and she is going out of her way to express her displeasure. I don't really blame her and honestly I'm not even mad at her for it (although I do get quite frustrated in the moment - hard not to when she throws a slinky at my head - and she throws hard!).  I just wish I could make it all better. Better for her, better for me and better for SSG D. I know that I can't and that is the hardest thing.

I keep telling myself, put your big girl panties on and deal with it, like you always do. This time I just really don't want to. I'll be perfectly honest, I am NOT IN THE MOOD!  Things are really really good right now for us and this deployment is just getting in the way. I am going to try and approach it as a challenge, something to be conquered and overcome, but that isn't always easy.  I have to trust in the love that we have for each other to pull us through.

This time is different because the challenges are different. Last time Toddler D was 6 weeks old and didn't have a clue what was going on. She didn't even know that Daya was gone, she had no concept of what having a Daya meant. Well...this time Toddler D is 2.5 and she knows! Not only does she know but she is 100% in love with her Daya. Challenge number 2 is the fact that we have our own home this time - talk about responsibility! I have absolutely no interest in mowing my lawn but the HOA says that I have to do it! Thank God for neighbors with teenage boys who want spending money for the summer, not quite sure what I would do if I had to mow the lawn other than pay a pretty penny to get someone else to do it.  I am now in charge of all home maintenance. If the toilet stops up there is no calling on base housing to have them fix it, nope, I am now the house plumber!  Wish me luck. 

Have patience with me in the coming weeks and months, this is not going to be easy. Lucky for Toddler D and I, we have my parents and SSG D's parents who we will be spending time with. I am looking forward to the adult interaction for me and the extra distraction for Toddler D. Say a prayer of safety for SSG D, I will blog again after he has left here and arrived safely at his new temporary home for the next 9 months.

Being Supportive

I want to be supportive of SSG D - in fact I think that is one of the cornerstones of a good marriage - supporting each others decisions and actions. I have been finding it hard to be supportive lately and what makes it worse is that it is over something that is completely out of his hands.

I want to support him while he is dealing with something that I am certain he doesn't want to do but it is hard because as much as he doesn't want to do it, I don't want him to do it either, but we both know he has no choice. So my question is...how do you be supportive when you are 100% against something? I have no vote, no voice, no say...AT ALL. All I can do is choose how I act and re-act in this situation. I am choosing to put on my big girl panties and a happy face - mainly because SSG D deserves that. He needs to know that everything is going to be ok, that I have it all handled. He does not need to be worrying about us and how we are doing. I know he will do that anyways, but I don't need to add to it.

I am choosing to support him, to let him know I am here, to let him know I can do all that I'm going to need to do and to let him know I can do it with grace and dignity. It isn't something I want to do, but it is something I WILL do.

Something in the Air

There is something in the air...something has changed. I wish I could say that I can't really put my finger on it but I can, but I know what is causing the change.  We are suddenly holding on a few seconds longer when we hug. Staying up a few minutes later to talk. Laughing even harder when Toddler D does something funny and adorable.

Change is coming. It can be a really scary thing, especially this kind of change. You never know what is going to happen, you just know that things are going to be different and probably harder.  I would love to say that it is going to be different good, but this kind of different is never good. However, we will do our best to make sure that it isn't a bad kind of different (for Toddler D's sake and our own). 

The thing I don't like about the change that is coming is all the uncertainty. Not know what is going to happen, when the phone will ring, if I am going to get that dreaded visit at my doorstep. Here are a few of the things I do like (at least in theory): what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - we are about to be as strong as diamonds, each moment is going to be that much more special and important, and I honestly can't think of any more than that. I would say I am excited about the sewing time, but I'm not, I would giveaway my sewing machine if it meant that this change didn't have to happen.

It is coming though and we are preparing. We each have our own ways, I am past the denial stage and entering acceptance. Time to put my big girl panties on and deal with it!

Time to blog

So it has been 2 months since I have blogged here. Oh, yes, I said here. I blog somewhere else too.  I haven't blogged here because here...I am a different person. Here I am open and completely honest about practically every aspect of my life and that can be really hard at times. I have been trying something new the past few months and for the most part it has been really working for me. I have been focusing on all the good in my life and what I have to be thankful for and I have been a much happier person. 

I do have so much to be grateful for.  My wonderful family - my amazing daughter and wonderful husband! They are my everything. I am grateful for the house we live in and my parents who have helped us so much. I am grateful that I am finally beginning to get it - the it being what it means to be an army wife and what that "job" entails (and yes, it is a job - a full time job, especially when you have a child). 

There have been other things going on too - things I haven't really put into words very often or in very many places. I have been sick, really sick. I have lost close to 20 lbs and I have no explanation as to why. That scares the pants off me. I have been in the hospital for testing and I don't have answers yet. I am also living in a current state of exhaustion. When you have a 2 year old you have to keep up and Toddler D can be difficult to keep up with as she is a bundle of energy (which is a good thing!).  Being sick for so long and losing so much weight, so quickly and without trying, is really scary. I am as thin as I was on my wedding day. Most women would be so happy about this, but I'm not, I want to know why I can eat 2 or 3 thousand calories in a day and still lose sometimes 2 lbs over night. That is not normal.

I am looking forward to a much needed vacation next week. We are heading back to CA for the holidays. SSG D (yup, SSG - SGT D has been promoted to SSG D) really needs a break and we are going to make it extra special this time by taking Toddler D with my parents to Lake Tahoe. We have been getting ready for that experience for weeks, making sure we have the right clothes and gear for snow play. Tahoe better deliver on the snow after all our preparations! We are going to take some time to really relax on this trip. Less running around and more time just enjoying ourselves as a family. That will be a welcome change and hopefully it will take my mind of other things....

Happy holidays everyone and I'm sorry for being a bad blogger (AGAIN!).

Harder than a deployment

Last night I had an epiphany. In so many ways this past year has been harder on my family than the deployment that we went through just one year ago.  Upon Sgt D's return he was put in charge of supply and in charge of a supply room that was a complete and utter DISASTER.  We were given all kinds of empty promises before he came home, like: everyone will be off work by 1500 (3:00 pm for you civilians) every day until block leave (2 months after getting home).  That did actually happen...for everyone who wasn't in supply. Most days, and keep in mind we lived on post and he had a 10 minute commute, we didn't see him until practically bedtime for Toddler D.  We were promised DONSAs and make-up DONSAs that never came. 

What makes this so difficult is that Sgt D is up at 4:30 am every morning 5 days a week. Most days he doesn't make it home in time for dinner and usually misses bedtime with Toddler D.  This means that Toddler D only sees her daddy 2 days a week, and each and every weekend it is like a complete reintroduction and adjustment period. It is hard on her, it tears him to pieces and I just can't stand watching it. We know she loves him, but she never gets to see him and because of that...well you can imagine the issues it brings to the front.  When they do get one on one time together on the weekends, it is awesome to watch them, but during the week, for all intents and purposes you wouldn't even know that they live under the same roof. It makes me so sad.

In other ways this has been hard too. There just are not enough hours in the day.  When Sgt D consistently gets home after 8 or 9 pm every night for months on end it is hard to get any special time with him.  Husband and wife bonding time - even just to watch a tv show.  We have gotten to the point where we are scheduling "date nights"...when they fit into the army's plan that is.  We started talking just last night and I said, I know you probably don't want to talk right now seeing as you have to get up in 5 hours and he said that it was definitely in the back of his mind.  I feel like I have to do everything in this house by myself. Not because he won't help me, because he does whenever he is home, but because I feel guilty asking him for help on his 2 days a week off work. I want him to be able to relax and not think about that yucky toilet that needs scrubbing.

That's why this year in some ways has been harder than a deployment....on all of us.  During the deployment we each had our routines, we knew what to expect every day, we knew when we were going to talk (for the most part), when we would see each other, and what we needed to do to get through the day.  This is totally different. It is as though the giant puppet master (the army) is pulling all the strings and likes making us dance.  Toddler D is suffering the most - the weekly readjustment to daddy is hard.  She tests him every chance she gets and while it is clear how much she loves him it is also clear that she doesn't trust that she will get to see him every day.  Every morning she gets up and looks for the truck outside - her way of figuring out if daddy is home or not.  We have a new commander now, maybe things will improve. Maybe we will get to start having dinner with Sgt D again, that would be a huge treat. 

Lucky for us, there is so much love in this house that the situation hasn't pulled us apart. We have a new sense of respect for what the other person is going through, and we are both learning to be more understanding and compassionate.  Our marriage gets stronger - this is one test that we seem to be passing with flying colors.

Taking Back the Power

I have noticed something lately, I seem to have given all of my power away. My power over how I feel about my body. My power over how I feel about myself as a mommy. My power over how I feel about myself as a wife. I have let how other people perceive me from the outside looking in impact how I feel about myself.  People who don't live my life and people who (in many cases) I don't know and will never even say a word to.  I have decided that this stops today.

I think I am a good person. I think, for a mom, a 30 year old woman and someone who has been permanently disabled since she was 20, I have a pretty nice body - heck just today I was able to get into my size 2 jeans.  For some reason I have let how people might interpret the fact that I prefer jeans, a comfy tee and a pony tail impact how I view myself. The way I dress has everything to do with comfort - not the fact that I have "given up" on myself. I don't like wearing make-up, and I really don't like doing my hair. I can think of 1000 other things I could be doing with the 20 - 30 minutes that takes me every day.  Maybe if I had a full time job I would invest the time, but that is a completely different situation (and by the way, when I did work full time I still didn't do my hair and make up every day).

I let how people might perceive my parenting decisions impact my self worth as a parent. No I don't panic every time Toddler D falls, I let her get up and decide if she needs hugs and loves before rushing over to her in a panic.  The vast majority of the time she brushes a fall off and moves on to the next thing.  I let people judge me based on what she eats and drinks. Yup, when we are at a restaurant I absolutely give her french fries. If we are eating them and she wants one I'm not going to tell her no, I don't think that is fair to her. We don't go out very often so she doesn't get to eat them very often, she is certainly in no immediate danger of being considered over weight, so I'm not too chuffed if all she eats when we go to Applebee's is fries.  I know that during the day she ate plenty of healthy food to make up for the cruddy dinner she is eating. 

I let people judge my marriage - and let me tell you folks, that stops today.  Until you walk a mile in my shoes, in my marriage then don't even consider judging it or me.  We have our issues like any couple and we are working hard to resolve those issues.  There is tons of love to go around but as a military family it is really hard when we don't get to see each other and there is always another deployment or other type of separation looming on the horizon. 

I am Mrs. D and I am taking back my power. I know deep in my soul that I am a good person, a good mom, and a good wife. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me.  If I can look at myself in the mirror every morning and still like what I see then I must be doing something right.  I hope you will take back the power too. 

PS. If you haven't seen this blog, go check it out and remember that you are Awesome!

Dear Blog

Are you feeling neglected? Left out? Ignored?  As well you should! It has been a long time since I have come to you to pour my heart out. 

There are lots of reasons I have not come to you. I have been busy, life has happened.  As someone was once heard to say, "and the hits just keep on coming." That is how it has felt lately. There are so many things in our lives to be grateful for, we have wonderful family and an amazing daughter. We have our gorgeous new home that we love. There is so much joy, but as in any family we have our sorrows too - Toddler D has been sick. We spent a few days in the hospital and let me tell you there is nothing sadder than watching a 20 month old lay on an exam table with her arm out stretched so that a team of nurses can try for 4 hours to get an iv in her. No fighting it, no struggling against it, only saying over and over again "Good Girl".  It was enough to make a grown army doctor cry (and me too!).  She is on the mend now, but the doctor said it is going to be a month to a month and a half before she is back to her old self again.

Good things are happening every day though and new ideas are being born. We will see what the future holds for us, I am excited about things on the horizon.

I am sorry for ignoring you, this isn't the first time and it probably won't be the last either.  You are important to me, but you also come last.

Love, Mrs. D

30 years, 30 things

1981 - I was born - that in and of itself was pretty big, without that event...I wouldn't be here
1982 - I learned to walk
1983 - Started talking up a storm - my mom used to ask "who put a quarter in you?"
1984 - Started Happy Halls and named Papa "my FBI man"
1985 - Turned 4 - yeah, I can't remember that far back, I'm kinda winging the early years a bit!
1986 - Started kindergarten
1987 - First trip to Disneyland - if that's not a milestone, I don't know what is!
1988 - Broke my first bone - the first of MANY!
1989 - Got my first black eye
1990 - Started walking home from school with my brother - no more day care after school!
1991 - Entered double digits with a party that involved large balloons and dreaming about future undergarments - I was TEN, what do you expect!
1992 - Joined Rainbow girls - this had a lasting impact on me, I hope one day Toddler D will be interested
1993 - Joined band and made a lifelong friend
1994 - Experienced my first funeral and the loss of a loved one
1995 - Finished Middle School and started High School
1996 - Sewed my first pair of pants - and learned a valuable lessons about directional prints!
1997 - Had a run in with a bat, a logging truck and I got my driver's license - it was a big summer
1998 - Drove through the garage door (I can laugh about it now...sorta)
1999 - Graduated from high school and went to Hawaii for the first time
2000 - Finally picked my major - History/Social Sciences - I still love it and actually plan to use it in my third career
2001 - Discovered my love of photography
2002 - Bought my first sewing machine, my medium format camera and my Nikon SLR - girls love techie toys too!
2003 - Graduated from college with honors
2004 - Went to Tahiti - saw the birthplace of my great grandparents and met many wonderful relatives
2005 - Went to Alaska - the sun never set on my birthday that year
2006 - Went to Hawaii for the second time
2007 - Met the love of my life, got married, and moved out of CA - something I never thought I would do!
2008 - Started my Master's in Education program - I hope to finish it some day too!
2009 - Met my best friend ever - she is absolutely beautiful and a total firecracker! Toddler D is AMAZING
2010 - Survived Sgt D's first deployment - thanks to my parents and 4 months in CA
2011 - Became a home owner

Can't wait to see what the next 30 years has in store for me and my family!

Things to think about when moving

We finally moved last weekend! Woohoo! We have a place of our very own. We can put a nail in the wall and no one can say one word about it. That is pretty cool when you have been renting for the past several years and prior to that you lived with your parents and your dad would have had a cow if you put a hole in his wall.

Here is a short list of things to think about the next time you move:

1. Check the drawer under the oven before leaving - otherwise you might forget your only casserole dishes
2. Have your best friend watch your toddler, if her whole world is going to change at least have her be with someone she is comfortable with
3. Whatever size truck you think you are going to need...get one size bigger!!! Thankfully our previous neighbors are really nice and let us keep some stuff in their carport for a week until we can pick it up.
4. You are going to be exhausted the day you move, don't offer to buy everyone dinner, instead tell them after you get settled you will have a big "Thank you" BBQ - entertaining that night is NUTS!
5. Be prepared for your toddler's schedule to be messed up for a few days - her whole world has changed and it takes awhile to readjust.
6. If you are moving in to a house with no window coverings, make sure that you packed your largest sheets somewhere convenient and easy to find the first night. You will look like gypsies until your blinds are installed, but at least you will be able to sleep and comfortably walk around your house!
7. Something will be wrong with the house...hopefully only minor, but try not to let it stress you out too much, you are already exhausted and don't need the extra headache of allowing it to bug you. Help is only a phone call away.
8. Don't have enough furniture to fill your house...IKEA!  In less than three hours you can buy 7 new pieces of furniture and only spend $1,500.  Remember to always bring two vehicles or be prepared to shell out the extra $50.00 for home delivery (which to me is totally worth it!).
9. Don't panic, everything doesn't have to be unpacked in one day. If you bought the house you have a lifetime to get settled in...but don't be like my mom either - living in the same house for 19 years and only just finishing the unpacking this past Christmas! (forgive me mom)
10. Congratulations and enjoy the moment!

 Lots of lessons learned and more on the way!

Enjoying the view from the porch