Happy 2011!

I hope everyone had a happy, safe and healthy Holiday Season.  We were for the most part happy and safe, the healthy part we got to eventually.  There was a short bout of gastroenteritis that struck the family but the family that gets sick together stays together.

To celebrate 2011, the year that I turn the big three oh (30), by writing my bucket list. My rules for myself were to make the items on my list things that were reasonably achievable and things that I have always talked about doing. I feel that if it is in writing that maybe I will actually accomplish them and hold myself accountable to them.

Here is my list (they are numbered but they are in no particular order):
1. Finish my Master's Degree (if I am feeling really jazzy, I would also like to complete a PhD as well)
2. See Italy
3. See France
4. See Greece
5. See the United Kingdom
6. Make a crazy quilt (hand sewing to required)
7. Learn how to sew clothes (I know it is in my blood, it is time I tapped that part of my DNA!)
8. Learn how to play the piano (life long desire)
9. See the Northern Lights
10. Visit the Vatican
11. Learn to meditate
12. Own my own home
13. Go on vacation/honeymoon (we never really had one) with just Sgt D
14. Get some of my photography published somewhere
15. Hike to the top of Half Dome (Sgt D promised to help me make this one happen)

This list could go on forever I am sure, but as I said I wanted them to be reasonable and things I could actually accomplish in my life time. I hope to do more than the 15 things listed above, but this is a good starting point for me.

What's on your bucket list?

Traveling with a Toddler

We have not even left yet and I already think I hate traveling with a toddler. Thus far we have packed a suitcase for her, one for us, a footlocker, one tub of toys, one tub of Christmas presents (mind you we are just playing delivery boys as they belong to my mother), one pack and play, and one stroller. This does not include a bag of snacks, the cooler full of milk and a second bag full of car toys and her babies.  They only thing we haven't packed in the kitchen sink!

The biggest question in our minds is just how long is Toddler D going to tolerate being in the car tomorrow. Will we make it to Roseburg, OR or even further? Gone are the days when Sgt D and I could just get in the car and drive to our destination with little more than fast food stops, gas stops, and potty breaks. 

I am not looking forward to having to entertain a one-year-old who hates being trapped in the car seat for this 780 mile trip. I already know there will be lots of screaming and crying and it makes me worried about how Sgt D will handle the joy that is traveling with a little one as he has yet to experience it. 

My next post will be from California!

Friends

It seems to me that lately I have become more aware of just how blessed I am by the wonderful people who surround me. Our family is truly blessed with the most wonderful friends and adopted family.

I know that if you can count your friends on one hand you are pretty darn lucky and I can honestly say that I find myself using both hands these days. I have friends that I talk to every day, friends that I see every week, and friends that I know if I did not talk to them for a year and I called them at 3 in the morning they would pick up the phone and our relationship would start right back where we left off. That is pretty special. 

Good friendships I have found are hard to come by, in fact, I'm not sure that every person knows how to be a good friend or what a real friendship feels like. To me it feels like my favorite sweatshirt that I cannot live without. It is the sweatshirt that is stylish no matter what the current fashion trend happens to be and it always fits, even if you have not seen it in six months or a year. 

One of the hardest parts about being a military spouse at the beginning of my army wife career was being afraid to make any friends. I was always afraid that as soon as I made a friend we would have to pick up and leave, but I have learned over the course of the past year (deployments sure do teach you a lot), that true friendships will travel with you, regardless of what part of the world you end up in.  Thank God for modern technology: skype, email, and free long distance!

To all the wonderful ladies who have become an extended family to us this year, thank you! I love each and every one of you!  To all of my friends who were with me before the deployment, I will continue to lean on you as I always have and I hope you will continue to lean back...I do not want to fall :)

Thanksgiving

This year I have so much to be thankful/grateful for. I am an incredibly blessed individual and I recognize that fact more and more with each passing day.

I have a wonderful husband who returned home to Toddler D and I after a tour in Afghanistan.  He not only came home to us, but he came home to us relatively unscathed, all things considered. God was smiling on our family during his deployment and we are definitely grateful for his return, his health and the twinkle that is starting to return to his eyes.

I have an amazing one year old who is growing and learning more and more with each passing day. I told Sgt D tonight that I thought I would never love anyone as much as I love him...that is until I met Toddler D. She takes my breath away.  I am thankful that I get to experience all of her victories and stumbles with her. It gives me a glimpse into what I must have been like as a child and what a rare gift that has been.  I cannot remember a time in my life where I have laughed as much, clapped as much or cried tears of both joy and sadness, as this past year. Thank you for bringing her into my life.

I am blessed with two of the most giving and generous parents of all time. Not only are they my parents but I count them as two of my best friends and inspirations. This is going to sound really hokey but when I grow up I really want to make them proud.  They gave my family so much this past year and did it completely out of kindness and love, I do not think I could ever repay them.  They have 5 grand kids and I think they make each one feel special.

I am thankful that my husband has a job that allows me to stay home with our baby and raise her the way I am sure most people dream about. I do not worry about being able to put a roof over her head or food on the table because of his job and all that it provides. It may not be glamorous or even popular, but it is good honest work that involves a lot of self-sacrifice.  Thank you Sgt D for all that you do for our little family.

I am grateful for the fact that I live in a country where I have a say in how things are run, and even more grateful for the fact that my opinion matters. That is a gift from the founders of our nation and I am proud to call this place home. 

I am grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. My friends, family and adopted family.  The support of the people in my life helped me survive the last year and I am so thankful for each and every one of you.

This list could go on and on and on. I could list all the simple things like the laughter of Toddler D and the sound of her slow steady breathing over the baby monitor, but if I did that I would be writing straight through Thanksgiving. Instead I will finish this post with a simple prayer: God please continue to shower my family with love and keep us in good health. Amen.

Living with a Toddler

We made it, Baby D is now one year old!!! Not only that but I think we can no longer refer to her as Baby D, from this point forward she will be known as Toddler D.

Let me tell you, life with a toddler is interesting. I feel like she is in a constant state of motion and I am in a constant state of trying to keep up with her. It feels like every weekend we head over to Babies R Us for more baby proofing gear that we never knew we would need...that is until Toddler D figures out how to do something new.

Two weeks ago she learned how to open one of our baby gates (we now keep it LOCKED), last week she taught my friend's fourteen month old how to do it! We had to put safety locks on all the drawers in the crafting room because she can not only open them but she feels that it is vitally important that she go in them EVERY DAY! I think our next purchase will be doorknob locks of some kind as she can reach the doorknobs with the tips of her fingers and she knows that is how you open a door.

She only just turned one but I feel like we are dealing with a two year old. I cannot complain too much because it just means that our baby is SO SMART!

Another thing I have observed since the toddling began is that we are constantly saying several phrases: "You're Okay", "Bonks", and "You've got to watch where you're going". These phrases are said at least 100 times each per day in this house. Not to mention the fact that every day she is covered in more and more bruises from walking into doors and walls. We really need to work on that watching where she is going part!

She is so curious about everything! It is fun to watch her try to figure out why there is a bright patch on the wall when she is playing with a flashlight. She does not know yet that she controls that bright patch, but give her a week and she will have it figured out.

First year pictures will be posted on her picasa page as soon as I get the CD this weekend.

Happy Birthday to our precious little toddler amazon!

Stage Moms

I am not a stage mom. In fact after watching a few episodes of "Toddlers in Tiaras" I have somewhat come to despise stage moms. However, I cannot sit here and write that I did not feel an overwhelming sense of pride and joy in my beautiful baby when she won a photo contest that we entered her in last month.

The contest is called "Cuties in Costume" and it was for a calendar being produced to benefit Juvenile Type 1 Diabetes. We only entered her because each entrant got a 10 minute session in their costume with a professional photographer and a free 5x7 picture. I did not for one minute expect that Baby D would be one of the 12 winners, but I am definitely happy that my baby won.

If you would like to see the pictures of the winners please click here. You may have to like the photographers Facebook page to view the pictures, but it is well worth it. The photographer is Shawnie Deutsch and her calendar will be going on sale soon.

This Mama could not be happier right now that her baby won, I can not wait for our 8x7 picture and our copy of the calendar! But I insist that I AM NOT a stage mom!

Wanting

Have you ever just wanted something so bad you could taste it? Feel it with every fiber of your being? I am there right now. In the wanting place. I was there about 18 months ago too. I got what I wanted then, but that time around me getting what I wanted depended solely upon Sgt D and myself. This time around...it depends on the ARMY. That is one of the hardest things about being married in the army, having to put important and life-altering decisions on hold until someone higher ranking than your spouse tells you it is okay to move forward.

I guess after three years of marriage I am still not used to having to ask a higher authority for permission. (I am clinging onto my independence with a vice like grip!) I do realize that this is a fact of my life now, but that does not mean that that I have to like it. And so I sit here, wanting and waiting. While I sit, I will make imaginary plans in my head and play with my baby until I hear the magic words..."They said YES!"

Objects

It is hard for me to let go of objects. I feel an emotional attachment to most of the physical objects that I have collected during my life. Sgt D is not this way. If he does not use it regularly and it is of little monetary value then he can part with just about anything. To say the least...this can cause tension between us at times.

I am trying to learn to compromise, after all I do not want to send Sgt D's OCD into overdrive. Since his homecoming I have so far cleaned out two foot lockers in our storage unit, two closets full of clothes AND shoes, and I am currently ripping all of our CDs onto a hard drive so I can sell those and put our DVDs into my old CD books. I feel this is a good start towards letting go of what Sgt D sees as "excess baggage" and in all honestly it has been somewhat of a cleansing experience.

Anyone who knows me well knows how hard this is for me, and seriously people, I should get extra brownie points for letting go of any shoes...after all a girl can never have too many pairs of shoes!

3 weeks

Sgt D has been home for three weeks now and it is amazing how much life has changed for all three of us. The changes are all good, and I couldn't be happier to have him home and know that he is no longer in harms way...that is until the next deployment. Please be patient with me if I don't blog as often as I am still getting adjusted to our new routine around the house.

Baby D is doing great with her daddy and calls him "dada" regularly. She knows who he is and loves him to pieces :)

Things are about to change...

I think it would be safe to say that my world is about to change...again. I can't really talk about why on here, but suffice it to say that my nerves have started up and I am crazy excited at the same time. I foresee good things on the horizon for myself, my baby and for Sgt D. I know that at times things are going to be rough and difficult, but I also know that if we stick together as a family we can overcome any obstacle in front of us.

I know it sounds cheesy, but I really do believe that love and perseverance can help you through anything, and I think I possess a lot of both those qualities.

Surprises and Secrets

I suck at surprises. I always want to know what I'm getting. If I am the person giving the surprise, I want to blow it completely and tell the person before they get an opportunity to actually be surprised. Everyone in my family knows that I suck at it. I remember when I was in middle school my family was throwing my God Mother a surprise 50th birthday party. I think I spent 2 months avoiding her rather than be forced to keep the secret. To this day she is still shocked I kept my mouth shut and she knows the only reason I did is because I did not go any where near her for 60+ days.

I did not even bother finding out what Baby D was going to be and then attempt to keep it a secret from everyone else. I knew in my heart that I would blow it so rather than be tempted I kept my eyes shut during most of my ultrasound appointments and only looked when the technician told me it was safe to.

I am now keeping the biggest secret of my life. The return date of Sgt D from Afghanistan. He wants to keep it just between us. He said he will call everyone else when he gets home. Can you believe that?!? He expects ME to keep MY mouth shut. I asked him if he had ever met me before and insisted that if I accidentally spill the beans that I could not be held accountable for my actions because it is the most exciting thing to happen since November 12, 2009 when Baby D was born. Is he asking too much of me? Am I going to blow it? I certainly hope not but this would definitely be a good opportunity for people to start making bets on my ability to keep this to myself.

Hail to the Chief

I do not often write anything political on my blog, mainly because I am pretty disinterested in politics. However, seeing as my husband is in the Army and his ultimate boss is the Commander and Chief, President Obama, I have to say that the way some people behave with regards to the Office of President sickens me. Whether you approve of his politics, of his race, of his personal beliefs or not, he is still your president.

During times of war, financial crises, recession, and overall depression, it is vitally important that we support each other and support our leaders. If you do not like the current president that is fine, it is perfectly within your rights to dislike him. Wait until the 2012 election and speak your mind by giving your vote to another candidate. I think it is completely reprehensible, however, to bash our leaders in any way shape or form in a public forum. On blogs, for instance, or on television.

I have been able to legally vote in this country for the past 11 years and instead of going out of my way to whine or piss and moan about a sitting politician I have used my vote to voice my opinion. It is the only way to get things accomplished, and it is certainly the least combative way.

Whether I agree with the president or not, he has my support because he is my president. If in 2.5 years I decide that I am dissatisfied with the job that he has done then I will use my vote to make sure that a different person is voted into office, but I will not listen to or join in on the president bashing that seems to be so popular right now.

Good luck Mr. President, you have a lot on your plate and I have faith that you are doing your best to make sure that you meet the needs and expectations of the American People.

He leads, She follows

Being married to someone in the military is like being a dancer I would imagine. The soldier (usually a guy) leads and the spouse follows. 

That in mind, I am not much of a dancer, my dance experience and moves pretty much haven’t developed past middle school when you had your hands around your dates neck, he had his hands on your hips and you simply swayed back and forth.  The army though requires much more skill in their dances. They require you to be able to spin, twirl, do ballet leaps, sometimes dance on your toes, etc.  They also demand that you be able to switch styles mid routine.  In other words once you finally have the Cha Cha down you have to switch to Contemporary, and once you have that routine down, they suddenly switch the song to rap and you have to Crump. 

That is what it is like for a military family. The song is constantly changing and there is not always time to discuss what move you are going to do next. You may have your heart set on a simple lift and he decides to spin you across the room on your toes instead.  You have to adjust and make it happen, while also making it look easy and being graceful.  Not the easiest thing in the world, but that is what military wives do, we make it look easy.  We hold our heads up, smile and adjust our steps to the beat of the newest music playing in the background. 

I am adjusting. I think until my soldier is back in my arms I will continue to adjust to the beat, and after he is home we will start practicing a new routine…that is until the army changes the song again.

(This post is dedicated to my soldier, I cannot wait for him to come home so we can dance together again - this long distance dancing is for the birds!)

Scared to DEATH!!!

Baby D started crawling today.  I am torn between being a super proud mommy and being scared to DEATH!  She is officially hyper-mobile and the world is her oyster.  This is a good thing for her development, discovery, etc etc. This is a bad thing for someone who is staying in a two-story house that has NEVER been childproofed and someone who is returning to their own home in a couple of weeks which also has not been childproofed. 

It is scary to think that Baby D can now pretty much get wherever she wants to go, and even scarier to think that in a month or two she will be walking/running to get there.

Life has officially changed FOREVER!!!

Happy 4th of July

I would just like to take a moment of my faithful readers time to thank my husband and the men and women he serves with for my freedom.  You make my life possible and I am so grateful for all that you do.

Sgt D you are my own personal American Hero and I love you with all my heart.

Your baby girl loves you too!

Change

Things change. They change all the time. In fact, change is the only real constant in life. As soon as you think you have one thing figured out it changes.  My life didn't really change today, not for better or worse, but I did make an observation about one aspect of my life, my relationships.  I have found that in the last several years a lot of the relationships that I have had all of my life have changed.  It makes me sad when I think of how those relationships have changed, and the more I think about the topic the more I realize that it isn't the relationships so much that have changed, but rather it is me that has changed.

I don't want to think that I have outgrown a relationship or a person, but maybe I just don't have the same need for certain relationships anymore. Maybe the void those relationships were filling has simply been filled with something new and I am no longer dependent on them for whatever purpose they previously served in my life. I don't know.  What I do know is that I have grown a lot and my life has pulled me in a different direction.  I know that my life will continue to change in numerous ways, maybe one day my life will change in such a way as to bring those lost relationships back into my life. Until then...I have other things in my life to fill my time and share my love with and that thought makes me very happy.

Good Bye 20s

Today I turned 29. Which means that my 20s are officially over. Starting tomorrow I will be on the journey towards 30.  I can only imagine the crap that Sgt D is going to give me next year on my birthday. 

This past year was probably one of the happiest and saddest of my life.  This time last year my dad flew up to Washington to drive me down to California for a few weeks while Sgt D was in the field in Yakima.  The best present I received last year was from Baby D, she kicked my belly so hard that night that Sgt D was able to see her move for the first time. It was such a great gift :) 

In my 29th year I went to California 4 times. It was a record for me since getting married. I got to show Sgt D one of my favorite place in California, Lake Tahoe. He loved it so much that he asked my family if we could all go camping up there when he gets home. If that happens I have a feeling that my parents will be camping in a hotel and we will be in a tent. 

The best part of the year was November 12, 2009 at 13:26. Baby D was born and I got to share the experience with my two best friends, my husband and my mother.  She has brought so much joy into my life and I have loved watching her grow, change and discover these past 7.5 months. 

I have made some wonderful friends this past year and I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned just how much I can handle on my own and I have learned that it is ok to ask for help.  Asking for help is a hard thing for most people to do and I have learned that people cannot read your mind and will not step in/up unless you ask them to. Lucky for me there are lots of people in my life who can and will step up for me :)  I am blessed.

This has also been the hardest year of my life. I had a very difficult pregnancy, and was so excited for it to be OVER!  I have to say I will never understand women who say they love being pregnant. I most definitely loved it being over.  The saddest part of the year was on January 2, 2010, exactly 6 months ago. It was the day that Baby D and I had to say good-bye to Sgt D.  I've never had to do something so difficult in my life and I will be so happy when this deployment and war are over and behind us.

This next year I am looking forward to so much. I am looking forward to a wonderful homecoming for Sgt D. I can't wait to cook dinner for him, laugh at his dry sense of humor and fall asleep in his arms. I am looking forward to Baby D's first birthday in November.  I am looking forward to the first time Baby D sleeps through the night! I can't wait for that night, but alas, I know I will have to be patient.  I am looking forward to spending some time with both of our families over the holidays. We haven't spent the Christmas with my family ever since getting married, so I am really looking forward to it. 

Mostly though, I am just looking forward to having my entire family together again. I miss being under one roof. This whole waiting for the phone to ring is for the birds.  I hope 30 will be my best year yet, I'm not afraid of it I am looking forward to it :)

How do I do it?

A friend of mine who is recently married asked me "how do you do it?" Her husband travels for work and is often away for upwards of a month at a time.  She wanted to know how I can possibly handle this deployment, especially with a new (well not really so new now) baby and all.  I told her that it is not for the faint of heart.  It takes patience, love, forgiveness (not him, but the army), and something to keep you busy - lucky for me I have Baby D and she takes up ALL of my time.

Deployments are hard and as I have said before, it would be only to easy to let this deployment beat us.  I could give in to the loneliness, the hate, the anger that I feel - the hate and the anger are directed towards the army, the war, the leaders.  I could give in to all of those things, I could wallow in them and be a very unpleasant person to be around. Or I could do what I am doing already. I can try to be the best mommy for Baby D and the best friend and partner to Sgt D.  Neither or them needs or wants me to be angry or depressed all of the time.

I guess the simplest answer to"how do I do it?" is that I simply go on. I face everyday with the knowledge that Sgt D will be home eventually and we will move forward with our lives.  Yes it sucks to be apart, more that I can possibly describe, but it is temporary.  That is the part I focus on.  Nothing more nothing less.

Baby Book

I have been keeping a baby book for Baby D. It is not your typical baby book, more of a journal really, it is called "The First 1000 Days".  This is the prefect type of baby book for me because I know that were I trying to make my own scrapbook or even keep up with a traditional baby book, Baby D would not have anything filled in beyond the first couple pages.

The thing I like best about our baby book is that it is literally a blank page. I can write whatever I want in it and with the exception of some prompts towards the end of the book, I have complete control over the contents of the book.  The only problem I have with it is that every day something new happens for her, whether it be learning a new skill or tasting a new food and I am finding that I do not have enough room to write everything that I want to.

One thing that is going to be cool is when Sgt D comes home he will be able to look through the book and the pictures I have been sending him the past 6 months and he will have an idea of what happened, when and what she looked like on those days.  Another thing I am excited about is the day, years from now, when I get to give it to Baby D.  Hopefully she will appreciate the wonderful gift of getting to see herself as a child :)

Cutest.Baby.EVER!

I don't really have much to say with this post other than isn't my baby ADORABLE!!!

I'll be cured...

I was talking to Sgt D today and I told him that it was good he called me today because if he hadn't I would have started to worry. I told him it was a sickness and that I would be cured of this disease sometime in the next 4 or 5 months.  He laughed because oddly enough my time frame for a cure coincides with his not soon enough homecoming :)

I realize that a deployment isn't a disease, but sometimes the side effects can feel like one.  The constant worrying, the sleepless nights (oh wait, those are mostly because of Baby D), the emptiness in my heart, etc etc.

I can't wait for my cure and I am so glad that we have more than passed the halfway point!

And now in Baby news...

She stands! Well she can pull herself up to standing from a seated position when sitting on her changing table, but in my mind that is still a huge milestone.

And speaking of milestones, Baby D sure has had a lot of them lately.  She is now eating most veggies and has had bananas, pears (which she is allergic too), peaches and apples.  Next week we are going to do mangoes.  She is eating chicken and turkey now too.  The coolest thing when it comes to eating, at least from the mommy perspective, is that she likes to feed herself now.  She can feed herself puffs, biter biscuits (her favorite), and last night she fed herself chunks of sweet potato for the first time.  Baby D is growing so fast it is amazing.

As of this morning she weighs 21.5 lbs, is wearing size 12 and 18 month clothes and size 4 diapers.  I can't believe how far she has come since November when she weighed 8 lbs and was wearing newborn clothes.  My little girl is not so little anymore, but she is definitely still my baby.

Dear Deployment

I hate you. I realize that hate is a very strong emotion but I cannot help the way that I feel. You have taken so much from my family this year. You have deprived me of my partner in life, Sgt D. You have deprived Baby D of her wonderful loving daddy, and you have taken away Sgt D’s only opportunity to see Baby D grow and change during the first year of her life.

We have missed out on so many things this year. We lost Valentine’s Day. It would have been nice to have been able to cook a candlelit dinner for my husband and enjoy a quiet romantic moment with him after Baby D went to bed. We missed out on Sgt D’s birthday in March. I love birthdays, and celebrating them has always been important to me, this year would have been amazing for Sgt D because it was the day that Baby D laughed for the first time. He would have loved to receive that as a present. Our first Easter with Baby D came and went without any fanfare. I dressed her up in her bunny outfit and took some really cute pictures to send him, but other than that it was just another day in our lives.

Mother’s Day was particularly difficult for me. It was my first Mother’s Day, not counting last year when I was pregnant, and I am sure that Sgt D would have done something special to celebrate the day. I guess I will have to wait until next year to find out what it would be like to have my whole family present. My mom did rescue the day partially by being with us. It was nice to be together, three generations of women, but if I had a choice, I would much rather have had Sgt D deployed! Father’s Day was really hard, harder than Mother’s Day actually. I wanted to make him feel special and let him know just how important he is to our family, but alas, I had to settle for a 15 min conversation on the phone. I couldn’t even send him a care package for a multitude of reasons, so he will get his Father’s Day presents some time in July.

I cannot say that this experience has been all bad. I have learned how to do so much on my own. I have learned that I can go for months on end sleep deprived and not kill every person that tells me babies do sleep through the night. I have developed a sense of control over my emotions that I never previously had. I used to let the tiniest thing set me off and maybe it is a combination of becoming a mother and having to deal with everything on my own, but I do not sweat the small stuff nearly as much as I used to. I think that the love that Sgt D and I have for each other has grown even deeper and that we have developed a more intense appreciate for each of our little quirks. I miss watching him come home and straighten up our house because he can’t sit still unless it is perfect.

Maybe hate is too strong of a word…but I know this much deployment, we will never be friends. You have taken too much from my family and I.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled army wife of a deployed soldier

Mrs. D

Moments

I think I may have finally figured out the part of this deployment that I hate most. It is all the little moments that Sgt D is missing in Baby D's life.

He missed the first time that she turned in response to her name. That was such a huge moment that I actually wrote a blog post about it. He missed the first time she discovered her feet. Now it is a challenge to keep them out of her mouth, which I really only do when she is wearing socks. Nothing like having wet socks on your feet. He missed the first time she reached out when someone offered her their hands and asked if she wanted to come to them, that was so amazing because I was finally able to see her social personality developing. He missed the first time that she impatiently put her arms out when lying on her back and grunted at me as if to say "you will help me to sit up...NOW!"

All of these moments have added up to watching her fun and bright personality develop. This deployment has stolen so many moments from us, but I can't bring myself to be bitter towards it. As much as this deployment sucks and as much as I hate it, it has given me so many life changing moments that have taught me volumes about myself and my family. I only wish Sgt D could have been here to experience them firsthand.

Holidays

This was going to be a post about Father's Day, but clearly I am a day late and a dollar short on that bus ride. So instead I decided to write about holidays and special occasions in general and how much they have changed for me over the past 7ish months.

The biggest change is Baby D. Holidays and special occasions were always cool to me simply because they were special and they break up the monotony of our every day lives. It is nice to have something to celebrate and while some holidays (like Valentine's Day) are asinine to me, I do enjoy them for the most part. Whether it be picking out cards to send to special people or maybe wearing a cute themed outfit (St. Patrick's Day comes to mind), it is a nice distraction from our daily grind. Now I get to dress up Baby D for the holiday and, well this goes without saying, I get to take cute pictures of her, and as she gets older these holidays will only be more fun as she starts to take a real interest in them.

The other big change is of course that Sgt D has been gone since the beginning of the year and I no longer get to celebrate anything with him. I realize that this is only temporary, but I never realized just how much that would change my perspective on things. I think I can honestly say that if it were not for our beautiful baby girl, I probably would have skipped or ignored the vast majority of holidays this year.

The day I am looking forward to least is my upcoming birthday. I am going to be 29, Sgt D is always reminding just how close I am to the big 3 0, and I just don't really feel like celebrating. For starters, I can't have anything to eat that I would like to because of Baby D's food allergies. This means no cake, no ice cream, no pie. I am honestly considering telling my mom to just stick a candle in my salad for me to blow out. I know this too is only temporary, and that this time next year I will get to eat real food again, but for some reason it makes it feel even less like I am having a birthday. Then there is the fact that I picked out and bought my own birthday present from Sgt D. He is in Afghanistan and not exactly near any great stores to go shopping so I decided to take care of it myself. I got exactly what I wanted and it is a fairly practical gift (a Tom Tom with lifetime traffic and maps), but this too makes the day less special. I will have no presents to open, although I am sure my mom and dad will have a card for me which will be nice (they already bought me a nice brand new pair of sandals that I wanted).

I guess to sum this long blog post up, I can just say that things have certainly changed this past year, especially my perspective on life. More importantly though...I can't wait for next year. Even if it does mean I will be turning thirty!

The month of May

Some of you may have noticed that I did not blog at all in the month of May. Believe me I have a good reason. I spent the entire month sick and in and out of the hospital trying to get properly diagnosed and then treated. The real icing on the cake was the fact that the treatment proceeded to make both Baby D and I sick after wards!

I am lucky because my mom was able to come up to Washington and take care of Baby D and I while I recovered. I ended up getting mastitis, which turned into staph (because the doctors put me on the wrong medication) and then Baby D and I both got Thrush/yeast infection. To say the least May was a really fun month.

Some good things happened though. Baby D turned 6 months old. I got to enjoy my first Mother's Day, I even got a really special card from Sgt D. We made a new good friend and Baby D had 3 play dates this month. I am trying to get her used to being around lots of different people so she will be social.

We are both healthy now, and the best part is that we are in California with my parents. Baby D has finally found her voice and is babbling away. She sounds so cute, but let me tell you, when she is angry, watch out! She is learning so much everyday and it is fun to watch her discover new things. She recently discovered her ears and likes to pull them a lot, she has also discovered arching her back and she does it every time she gets upset or is done with whatever activity we are doing.

Clearly She's Thriving

The past 4 months I have heard "clearly she's thriving" a lot. I have heard it from doctors and even from friends and family. It has always been after I have told someone that Baby D has been bleeding in her stool since Christmas. Believe it or not, hearing "clearly she's thriving" evokes a very powerful angry and frustrated response from me. The first thing I think is that yes, my daughter is gaining weight, in fact she isn't even 6 months yet and already weighs 18 pounds. The second thing I think is would you be saying the same thing if it was your child? NO!

I'm sure that the people who have said this to me did not mean to upset me, rather, they were probably trying to reassure me. The problem is, nothing is going to reassure any mother when their child is bleeding from an unknown cause and it takes 4 months to get definitive reasons as to the cause.

Tomorrow is our follow up appointment with the pediatric GI specialist and we will hopefully finally get some answers. I am particularly happy because my parents are coming with me and I think the doctor will treat me with a little bit more respect with them present. Wish us luck!

The "In" Crowd

It is very easy to feel isolated living up here, so far away from family and friends, especially with Sgt D deployed. Sometimes I feel as though I am back in high school and I am not part of the "in" crowd.

The "in" crowd is that group of army wives from our unit that get together at least once a week to commiserate and what not. I have never been invited to any of these get togethers, and occasionally that really gets to me, especially since I am supposedly friends with several of the women who attend. I do not know why I let it get to me, considering the fact that in all likely hood I would never go myself. I am not one for idle gossip and I stick to Baby D's bedtime routine as if my life depended on it...mainly because my sleep does. All that aside, it does not make the fact that I am blatantly left out every week hurt any less.

I guess I will just have to continue to remind myself that if these women cannot be bothered to include me then maybe they are not really my friends after all. I graduated from high school 11 years ago and sometimes it feels as though I will be stuck in 3rd period English forever!

Naked Baby

Baby D likes to be naked.

In fact, that might just be the understatement of the year, she LOVES to be naked. Put her in just a diaper and her whole personality changes. She becomes this baby who loves to move and explore. She becomes more vocal and smiles even more often.

The only problem with her loving nudity, is that when it becomes absolutely necessary to wear clothes, like when we have to go out, at naptime or at bedtime, she screams her head off. I mean, you would think that I was trying to cut her toes off with gardening shears.

I can't wait to see how Sgt D reacts to his daughters love of nudity when he comes home!

Moral Support

I am very blessed. I get moral support from just about everyone in my life, in fact I can't think of one person who is not in my corner (at least in some form or another). Part of that is the people I choose to surround myself with, the other part of it is...I guess there is no other part, I simply have amazing people in my life. I have my wonderful husband, who I miss desperately. I have my parents, my god parents, my in-laws, and true friends who sometimes seem more like family than friends.

I received a letter in the mail from my husband yesterday and it made me cry. Not because it was bad news, and not because I was missing him horribly (which I always am), but because he said exactly what I so desperately needed someone to say. That I am a good mom. I have heard it from friends, and I hear it all the time from my mom, but to hear it from him somehow made it feel more true. He is not even here to see or know all that Baby D and I go through each day, but somehow he just knew what I needed.

I would like to thank all the wonderful people in my life for being there. Even when I am being moronically stupid and self-deprecating. Thank you for putting up with me and for all the joy, love and support that you bring into my life...you know who you are :)

Bad News

How do you break bad news to some one who is thousands of miles away? I mean, if I tell Sgt D about something terrible that happened or is happening, what good does it do? Yes, he does know about it, but does it also make him feel somehow powerless? He is thousands of miles away and is not able to do anything about it other than listen and then sit on the FOB feeling guilty that he is not here to help. Even if his being here would not change anything, I'm sure he feels somehow helpless, I know I would.

So how do you do it? How would you tell someone about a bad thing that has happened in their civilian life? I just do not know how to do it in a way that is not going to end up causing even more damage than necessary...

What's in a name?

EVERYTHING!!!

Baby D knows her name! She is only 18 weeks and 2 days old and she knows her name. One of my proudest mommy moments yet! I confirmed it by the fact that she turned her head away from the television when I called her name so I could take her picture. She did this not just once, but twice!

I cannot wait for Sgt D to call so I can tell him about his baby girl!

Sleep

Sleep. It is precious. I would even go so far as to say that it is sacred, and I certainly do not think that until 18 weeks ago I gave sleep the kind of respect that it deserves.

Sleep rejuvenates us, helps us to stay healthy and fight off illness. It helps us maintain our sanity during times of stress (both emotional and physical). It is good for us on so many levels and I honestly never gave it much thought until recently.

AnneMarie is like any typical baby her age (18 weeks). She gets tired after a few hours and needs to take a nap. She usually takes 2 or 3 a day. Nighttime sleep is a whole different story. She will fall asleep anywhere between 6 and 8 pm, and wakes up like clockwork at 11:30 pm for a "midnight" feeding. Then the rest of the night is in someone else's hands. Take last night for example: she was up at 11:20 pm for her "midnight" feeding, and then fell promptly back to sleep. At 1:51 am she was back awake. She wasn't hungry, she just wanted a playmate. I went in after 20 plus minutes of fussing that turned into full blown screaming/crying with tears and nursed her to what I thought was asleep. Boy was I wrong, as soon as I was back in my room and halfway into my bed...she was fussing/screaming again. I went back to her room to try to rock her down and she was not having it. She smiled at me and stared at me expectantly for 20 minutes as if to say "Are we going to play now?" I finally put her down, took the baby monitor, went into my office, turned off the monitor and fell asleep while she fussed. I woke up an hour later, turned the monitor back on and she was asleep. AnneMarie then slept until 6:23am, nursed herself back to sleep and remains in her bed now.

I realize that according to all kinds of different "sleep experts" there are probably a thousand opinions on the different things I did "wrong" last night, but you know what...I'm alone, with no help to speak of, no support in just letting her cry it out in the middle of the night (or anytime of day really) and I had to do what I had to do. She isn't going to be helped by an exhausted mommy and she needs to learn to fall asleep on her own. (At least that is what I told myself 1000 times before I turned the monitor off.)

I can't wait until that wonderful morning where I wake up at 6am and lay there in awe and wonderment at the fact that my little girl made it a whole night.

Sleep is precious people!

Home

Home has come to have new meaning for me. Home used to be where I grew up, where my parents were and all the people I went to school with. Now home is where Sgt D is (even though he isn't here right now). I spent 4 weeks at "home" with my parents, and the whole time I just felt as though there was this hole in my heart. I got back to my own house yesterday and even though Sgt D is not here, this really feels like home.

All of our memories are in this house, all of his things, our furniture, our bed, our computer, but most importantly, he is here. I can get up every morning and see his boots lined up under our counter and I know I'm home. I can open our closet and see all of his clothes and know I'm home. I can open my eyes in the morning and see all of his war books lined up on top of his dresser and know that I'm home. Somehow, being in California and him not being there makes it feel less like home. I guess that is because Sgt D is such a major part of my definition of home now.

Don't get me wrong, I loved visiting with my parents. I have missed them every day since I moved up here, but there is just something different about being there versus being here, and that difference is Sgt D.

2 months down

SGT D has been gone for two months and here's what I've learned:

1. The term friendship means different things to different people. It is a lot more flexible for some people than others.

2. I am stronger than I ever imagined - both physically and emotionally. It is amazing what you can accomplish when there are no men around to help you... Not to mention when you have a 16 lb baby to carry around everywhere.

3. Family is important - and the definition of family is flexible. You can surround yourself with people who become an extended family when yours cannot be there.

4. Smiles are priceless and one smile in the morning can make up for an entire night of screaming :D

5. You can either let a deployment beat you or you can beat a deployment. It is all about attitude and outlook. If you face it as only a year and lately the years have been flying by at lightening speed, then it really is not that long.

6. You can accomplish more than you ever thought possible if you empower yourself. Give yourself permission to solve problems on your own and you will be able to! So far I have filed our taxes, sold and bought a car on my own. Next month...paying off Sgt D's truck!

7. It is ok to let yourself feel down once in awhile. You do not have to be a rock all the time, give yourself permission to cry, just do not make it an every day occurrence or the deployment will begin to beat you and you cannot allow that!

8. Grandparents are awesome! As are next door neighbors!

I just need a second...

Lately, I feel like I need to ask permission to bitch. As though I need to preface my rant with "I just need to get this off my chest, please do not try to compare your issues with mine, just let me speak my peace so I can move on."

Sometimes I just need to rant, when I am particularly upset about something I just want to be able to complain, rant and rave until I have gotten it out of my system. It usually does not take long, and I am only looking for an ear, a shoulder, a friend. I have found, however, that lately if I have something I need to get off my chest, certain friends (not anyone that reads this blog), feel the need to tell me that my situation is not that bad, and they have experienced something to much worse, or they know someone who has. I do not know how to tell these people that I do not really care about what they have gone through, or what someone else has gone through, that I am more concerned with myself, my baby girl and my husband right now. Is it really that hard to just listen and be empathetic?

I think what other people do not understand is that unless you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes you really cannot compare experiences. The best you can do is listen and if (and only if) asked provide helpful suggestions. Do not try to compare, as I cannot possibly exactly understand what someone else is experiencing, you cannot truly understand my pain. All I need is for you to please be a good friend and listen. Thank you.

A Pain You Cannot Make Go Away

Today I had to take my little baby girl to the hospital for some tests. She has been having blood in her diapers for over a month and the first three times we went to the doctor (including one ER visit last Friday) the doctors said that she had anal fissures (tears in her bottom). I had a hard time believing that so I took her back to the doctor today, and low and behold, the doctor agreed with me that there was no tears and there must be another cause for the blood.

The doctor said that we needed to run tests for baby anemia because she has been losing blood for a month. This is incredibly dangerous because anemia in a baby so young can cause developmental delays. They are also testing her for food allergies, because she is breastfed only it is possible that she is allergic to something that I am eating. I am hoping to get answers pronto.

It was the worst day ever, 1000 times worse then when she got her vaccines. They had to use three different veins to get blood out of her, and they finally had to squeeze the blood out of her hand. She cried and screamed the entire time. I felt so helpless. I now know that the hardest part of being a mom is when your baby is in pain and you cannot make that pain go away.

First Cold

Baby D has her first cold, complicated by a her first bout of pink eye. My heart is in pieces seeing her so sick. I cannot remember a time in my life where I have ever felt so helpless and so mean at the same time. I feel helpless because I cannot take her pain away, I feel mean because I have to give her pink eye medication and I hate making my little girl cry :(

In other news Sgt D is so far doing well. He's been gone for a month and received his first care package already. I have his third one all together. I just need to get my butt to the post office to send it. It feels really weird to be sending him a birthday care package when his birthday is a month away, but I want to make sure he gets it in time. Mom, dad and I bought him a PSP and a few games. I think he is really going to enjoy it.

Missing daddy big time!

The Mommy Pillow

I have recently discovered that I make an incredibly comfortable pillow, at least in the eyes of my 2 month old. In fact as I type she is passed out on my chest acting as my own personal heater.

Today she was very fussy, most likely due to the fact that yesterday she had her 2 month check up and her first round of vaccines. The nurse told me it would make her a little fussy, and boy was she right. So far I have rocked her to sleep four separate times and each time she has woke up unhappy, so for the fifth time I laid her on my chest and she is fast asleep. Now I'm afraid to move. I guess that means I'm significantly more comfortable than her cradle or crib. Tomorrow we are going to go out and do something.

Patience

Anybody who knows me knows that I was not blessed with an over abundance of patience. Let's be honest, I was not blessed with any patience. Ever since Baby D was born though, boy have I had some learning to do, and it is a steep learning curve. Here are a few things I've learned:

1. Be patient when changing a diaper, if you do not wait long enough you will either get peed or pooped on, and sometimes...both!

2. Be patient when breastfeeding, if you get frustrated so will the baby and that only leads to getting bit or gummed.

3. Be patient when putting the baby down in her crib, if you put her down before she is truly asleep, it could easily be another hour before she really falls asleep.

4. Be patient with yourself, if you think you should have things down immediately and this is your first baby, then share what you are smoking with me, because it does not all come that easy. It isn't like woosh the baby is out and you become super mom. Nope, you have to work really hard, and even then, you are going to screw up.

If you are really patient you sometimes get rewarded with toothless grins like this one:

Tis the season

It is three days until Christmas and this year it is a real mixed bag of blessings. I was given the greatest gift of my life last month with the birth of my daughter. The month before that my parents gave me the gift of two months of their loving support, my mom in person and my dad letting my mom go for two months to be with me. I know that it hasn't been easy on them to be apart for such a long time, especially when you consider they have been together since they were teenagers.

The mixed bag portion comes from the loss of my husband's grandfather this past weekend, and my husband's imminent deployment to far off lands. I have also been struggling with being sick, which is made all the more difficult because I have a 6 week old that I need to nurse and take care of, and lets not even mention the sleep deprivation that comes along with the 6 week old. I know in my brain that I can handle taking care of her by myself in the coming year, but that doesn't make the thought any easier for my heart to handle. I just keep reminding myself that I need to put my big girl panties on and just make it happen. No one else is going to do it for me and I have to do it for her.

Fear

Who knew that someone so small and cute could instill such a sense of foreboding and fear in a person. I love my daughter to bits and pieces but when she starts to screw her face up into the "I'm gonna scream and there's nothing you can do about it" face, I just get this sense like the world is going to end. I know the main reason I fear that face is because there isn't much I can do to make her feel better most of the time. She has a little bit of trouble going to the bathroom (this should improve in a couple months as her stomach muscles get stronger) and besides feeding her and holding her, until she can tell me or show me where it hurts we are both at a loss.

One thing I have decided I am going to do in order to help both of us is start using baby sign language. I ordered a book last week and it arrived today and it said to start at six months with about six signs. It isn't until that age that babies have the hand eye coordination to be able to make the signs back. The book has a total of 300 signs to use with Baby D and I am going to spend my time in the next 5 months trying to master them so that I can communicate with my baby. From everything I read there are nothing but positive outcomes from babies who sign at an early age, including: higher IQs, stronger verbal abilities at earlier ages, etc.

It is hard to believe that I am afraid of a cute little baby wearing a bright pink snow jacket...

Sleep

Sleep has suddenly become a precious commodity around our house. No one is getting any it seems...except for Baby D, and even then only during the day light hours. It turns out that our little girl is a bit of a night owl. I am hoping this isn't foreshadowing a future of late night partying and skipping curfew, but who knows at this stage. All I do know for certain is that everyone around here is tired and in desperate need of a nap!

Another thing that sleep deprivation has caused is a new love for the weekends. On the weekends, Sgt D is home and can help me in the wee day light hours by taking her and letting me catch a few zzzzz, unfortunately that means he isn't sleeping as much as he would like on the weekends. Normally that would bother me, but honestly, I'm too tired to care right now :)

Here's our angel...WIDE AWAKE!

22 Days

That is how old my daughter is today. She is 22 days old. I can't believe that I have been a mom for 22 days already. It is still somewhat surreal, but that could also be because of the sleep deprivation that I am currently experiencing. Sgt D works all day so he needs to sleep at night, which leaves me to carry the load during the nighttime hours. Luckily my mom is still here to help me out in the mornings when I get to experience a few precious hours of sleep. Baby D has so far mastered the fine art of smiling (it is NOT gas!), and she is enjoying her daily belly time and working on lifting her head. I am quite proud of the progress she has made.

In 22 days she has gained a full pound, now weighing in at 9 lbs even, and is at least 2.5 inches longer than she was at birth. She has her mommy, daddy, nana and grandpa wrapped around her little finger and is absolutely perfect in every way...although she does need to work on sleeping through the night. I am hoping that will come with time.

Welcome Baby D

We have been parents for 16 days now, and I guess I should tell you a little about the newest addition to our family. Baby D is a girl, I'm sorry, but just like I am Mrs. D, and my hubby is Sgt D, she will remain Baby D on the blog. Her name is a mix of my grandma's middle name and Sgt D's mother's first name. The middle name is one we thought sounded pretty.

Baby D was born on November 12th at 1:26pm. She was 8 lbs even and 19 inches long. At birth she had blue eyes and a full head of brown hair, her eyes have already started to darken to brown. She looks just like Sgt D, it is scary, luckily she is way prettier than he is. I had a c-section, and Sgt D was the person who got to tell me that we had a little girl, it was a very emotional experience for us both, and really quite amazing.

We spent two days in the hospital, and were so glad to get home. As it turns out, Baby D is quite the night owl, and I personally cannot wait until she is on a regular schedule, awake during the day and asleep at night. I know that it will be awhile before she sleeps through the night, but it definitely gives me something to look forward to.

Sgt D is a natural with her, in fact as I write, he is holding her and trying to rock her to sleep. Keep in mind that it is after midnight and she has been up for 4 hours straight and we are both exhausted. She is a bundle of energy at night.

The difference a day makes

Today I am someone's wife, someone's child, someone's friend, someone's relative, etc. Tomorrow I will be somebody's mom. The biggest adventure of my life is starting tomorrow and I can't wait. The best part is that I get to share the experience with my husband and my mom, my dad will be coming up the day after to meet his newest grandchild.

While the title of the blog will always be the same, because I hope that Sgt D and I will always be in that wonderful/magical newlywed frame of mind, I have a feeling that a lot of the posts from here onward will have more to do with what it is like raising our family and doing so in the army. I know there will be many challenges, especially during deployments and training, but I know that there will be even more to celebrate and share too.

Pictures and a post may not be up for a couple weeks because I am having a c-section (Baby D is breech - already doing things the hard way!), but as soon as the hardest part of my recovery is over, I will definitely write about the first few days and post pictures.

The Waiting Game...

I am playing the waiting game right now. Don't get me wrong, so are Sgt D and my parents, but I have a feeling for me it is slightly different. Mainly because it is my body that is going through hell and back.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am the least patient person in the world. I am a big fan of instant gratification and if there is one thing I have learned from being pregnant it is that some things are worth waiting for. One of those things has been waiting to find out the gender of Baby D. I just told my mom the other day, so now I can share with everyone else one of the main reasons we decided to forgo finding out the sex of the baby: we were having fun torturing my mom. She wanted to know more than both Sgt D and I combined so we decided it would be good for her to have to wait. We told her last Thursday and even she got a great big laugh out of our reasoning.

The other part of the waiting game that has been difficult is the fact that Baby D is breech. We have already tried once to turn him/her unsuccessfully, and on Nov 12th we will be trying again, this time under an epidural. If it works I will be induced that day, if it doesn't work they will do a c-section immediately afterwards. It is hard when you are ten days away from one of the biggest moments of your life because time seems to stop completely. That is where I am at right now, frozen in time. Wish me luck for the 12th, this may be my last blog until December depending on what happens, but with an absolutely good reason.

Boobs!

***This post is intended for the purposes of humor and laughing at ones own stupidity***

When I was little, probably about age ten and onwards, I wanted boobs. In fact until I was about 26 I don't think I was ever satisfied with the size of my chest. I can admit it, I always felt like everyone was larger than life and I had somehow missed that growth spurt. Well, let me tell you!!! Being pregnant has changed all of that, and believe you me, the grass is not always greener on the other side!!!

Now that I have them, I don't want them anymore. Since getting pregnant I have more than doubled in size and it is not a welcome change. No wonder some of my bigger friends have breast reductions, I don't blame them one bit. Sometimes, smaller really is better!

Add this to the list of things I will not miss in a year, along with swollen hands, feet, ankles, and my abdomen. I will also not miss maternity clothes, which are so not flattering at all!

October Blues

I am suffering from what I am going to call the "October Blues". This is for many different reasons, but mainly because Sgt D is getting ready to deploy in a few weeks, and I'm getting ready to have Baby D without him here. Both of these things are really hard to handle emotionally, and regardless of whether or not I knew this could be part of my future when I got married it is still a tough reality to face. I don't know anyone who gets married and decides to start a family thinking that for any length of time they will be a single parent.

Sgt D has been great about dealing with my moodiness. He has helped decorate the baby's room (which is gorgeous!), hang curtains in our guest room for my mom, and he even stayed up until 3 in the morning with me the other night because I didn't want the day to end.

I am going to miss having a "partner in crime". Someone to share my daily ups and downs with and someone to take the load off me when things get a little crazy in baby world. His sense of humor is one of those things that has been essential these past two years to my dealing with the roller coaster that is being an army wife and not having access to his dry cutting humor is going to stink. I think what I am going to miss most though is his smile and the way his whole face lights up when he is really happy or just trying to cheer me up. All I can say is that I hope they have Internet access where he is going to that we can see each other every so often on web cam!

Vacation

We have been on vacation now for exactly one week and are so far having an absolute blast. We have gone to the San Francisco Zoo where we were lucky to get to see a baby gorilla and take a ton of cute pictures. We took my car into the shop for some much needed TLC, and shockingly enough, even in the Bay Area someone in the military can get a military discount! We went to the California Academy of Sciences. I hadn't been there in about 20 years and was absolutely amazed. The rain forest with all of the butterflies was probably my favorite exhibit, but that was only because we went on a free day and the aquarium was so over crowded that it was hard to enjoy. We drove down to Monterey Bay for the day, handled some very important personal stuff and also went down 17 mile drive. We did 17 mile drive on our honeymoon almost 2 years ago and we enjoyed it as much this time as we did last time. It is some of the most beautiful parts of the coast I have ever seen.

Next week we are heading up to Lake Tahoe for some alone time. I am really looking forward to showing Sgt D another place in CA where I spent a lot of time as a child. We are not staying in Sugar Pine Point (camping at 32 weeks pregnant is not my cup of tea), but he will be able to get a general feel for the area and see some amazing scenery. Then we have my baby shower and head back to reality.

Block Leave

Sgt D has orders to deploy, can't talk about where or when it is going to happen, but let's just say it is imminent. With orders comes the opportunity to take two weeks of leave beforehand for the soldier and his/her family to spend some time together. We are opting to take the second week of leave only, that way Sgt D can save more up for when he comes home to spend time with Baby D. I am getting excited about our plans for block leave because we are going to take a trip and do something we have never done before.

We are going to drive down the coasts of Washington, Oregon and California on our way to my parents house for my mom's birthday and my baby shower. It should be a really great drive at a great time of year. I am just waiting for my high risk pregnancy assessment on Thursday and the all clear to travel so that I can start making reservations. So far we are planning on spending a night in Florence, OR at Edwin K Bed and Breakfast. After enjoying the 5 course breakfast that comes with our room, we will head down to Eureka/Samoa, CA where we will have dinner at a place I have been dreaming about for 11 years, The Samoa Cookhouse. We will spend the night at a yet to be determined place in Eureka and then drive down to the Bay Area.

I am really excited because the furthest north I have been on 101 is Samoa, CA and Sgt D hasn't been much further north on the 101 than San Francisco, so it will be something new for both of us to experience together, and it will be our last childfree adventure for a very long time!

A second one?

People in my life keep asking me if I am going to have a second baby. All I can think is, "Are you kidding? Can't I have the first one before I make a decision like that?!?" This first pregnancy has been anything but easy, even the doctors at Madigan agree that I have had a rough pregnancy, and frankly on a day when I have to go for a walk-in triage appointment for pain is not the best day to ask me that question.

To be honest, I don't know if I want to have a second one, at least I don't know right now. A year or two ago, I probably would have said I would like to have at least 2. Things change though, and now that I'm more than half done with my pregnancy and everything that has happened during it physically and emotionally, I don't know if I can go through it all again. Only time will tell I guess.

The doctor told me today that my rib cage is literally being splayed apart from all the pressure of the baby and the fact that I have a small frame. As my mom keeps telling me, I just don't have enough room inside for everything in addition to the baby. The doctor also said that the pain is going to get worse before it gets better, so until the baby is born, please don't ask me if I'm going to have a second one, because I am in no condition to make that type of determination right now!

Getting my craft on

On Sunday night Sgt D and I started to clear out the closet in the baby's room. After all, we need a spot for all of Baby D's future belongings...right? We decided to move all of my yarn and fabric bins (a total of 3 large tubs) into our office/guest room. While Sgt D was doing all the heavy lifting, (I have the world's greatest excuse for not helping) I decided to go through one of the yarn bins and I found some pretty surprising stuff in there. None of the yarn was mine! All of it belonged to my grandma, who sadly passed away from Breast Cancer when I was a senior in college.

I had forgotten that after she passed away my papa gave me all of her yarn and crocheting supplies because I was the only one in the family who did anything like that. My grandma taught me to crochet when I was probably about 10 years old. It never really took, and I've always been a better knitter. The box didn't just have yarn in it though, it also had two unfinished projects: a baby blanket and a granny square afghan.

Keeping in mind that I haven't picked up a crochet hook (for actual crocheting - they have their uses in knitting too) in about 18 years, I was able to figure out the pattern on the baby blanket and finish what my grandma started. It was such an amazing experience working on what was probably one of her last projects. The blanket is now in Baby D's bassinet and waiting patiently for Baby D's arrival. The other blanket is going to be more slow going. I have been able to locate two of the three colors used in it (luckily it is no dye lot yarn, so I don't have to worry about the age of the yarn), and I will hopefully finish it in the next couple of weeks.

Working on these afghans has given me lots of ideas for Christmas gifts, which has made me excited, especially with my school ending in 2.5 weeks and the fact that I will need something to occupy my time during my last trimester!

Sacrifice

When I became an army wife I knew that I was going to have to make multiple sacrifices. For instance: being able to choose where I want to live, potentially never being able to have a stable career, time with my husband when he is deployed or in the field. I knew all these things when I said "I do", heck, I knew them when I said yes to his proposal.

Some days are harder than others though. I consider myself a pretty strong minded independent person and I hate relinquishing control over any aspect of my life to anyone. It is hard to say, "Ok, tell me what to do next and I'll do anything you say." In fact, saying that is damn near impossible for me. I want to have a say, I want to have a vote, and more importantly I just want to be heard.

That is not a reality when you are married to someone in the military. You lose your vote on all the things you once held as sacred and all you are left with is how you will handle the situation. Will you handle it with grace and dignity? Will you become angry and bitter? Will you become the army wife that most civilians think of - the cheating rotten human being who does not care about the sacrifice their spouse is making for them and their country?

I want so bad to be able to handle all this with grace and dignity. I am beginning to realize that at times it is absolutely necessary to put it in the hands of God and trust that he will take care of me and my family. When you are somewhat of a control-freak...that can be a major challenge. Please be patient with me while I struggle to become worthy of the challenge.

Projects

With Sgt D away and the fact that I'm not working I have needed to find things to do to occupy my mind and my time. I am currently enrolled in three online courses, and after this experience I have no intention of ever taking another online course again. It is, however, a means to an end, and once I complete these three courses I will be one step closer to completing my Masters degree. I am also working on a knitted blanket for Baby D. It is super cute in blue and green stripes (no, the colors have nothing to do with whether Baby D is a boy or girl, I just happen to like them). Pictures to follow when I finish it.



While I've been home my mom helped me pick out fabric for a quilt I would like to make for Sgt D. Oddly enough it too is in blues and greens. I think he is really going to like it when he sees it. All my fabric is washed, starched, ironed and ready for cutting. Hopefully it will not take me forever to make. My mom and I have also been working on curtains for Baby D's new bedroom. My mom had this jungle print in her closet for who knows how many years and it is perfect because we decided to go with a jungle theme for the baby room.

Today though is going to be the best distraction of all, and while it does not fit into the category of projects I think it bears mentioning. I'm going to see Harry Potter! Can't wait :)

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

I just got back from a Giants game, even though I live in Washington I've still managed to attend two so far this season, and one was in Washington! The first game was the Giants against the Mariners, and while the Mariners won (every dog has their day) it was still an awesome game. My parents flew up for the weekend, and Sgt D, my parents and I all went together. It was the first time that my dad went to a ballgame at a "foreign stadium", so that was pretty cool.

Today I went to a game with a friend from elementary school. We had a good time even though the Giants got stomped. Oh well, they won 7 of their last 10, so they are still tops in my book. My friend was wonderful, the game was for my birthday and while we were there, she bought a tee for Baby D. It says "My first Giants Tee" on it and is super cute. Can't wait to try it on our little one...although i am going to have to wait another 4 months for that to happen.

The rest of my stay in California looks like it is going to be just as fun as the first week was. I am going to have dinner at my favorite restaurant tomorrow and spend Thursday and Friday with my mom. On Saturday I get to see my extended family including my niece and nephew, which I am really looking forward to. I brought down one of Sgt D's old BDU uniforms to give to my nephew. He is a cutie, whenever I talk to him he always asks me how Uncle GI Joe is doing. I'm not even sure if he knows Sgt D's name at this point, but Uncle GI Joe is so cute that I don't have the heart to correct him.

More later in the week....

Normal fears

Sgt D is deploying soon. In order to get ready for that deployment he is going to the field for a month. This is the longest we will be apart since we got married. To top it off, I'm also 20.5 weeks pregnant, which means our little bundle of joy has begun to turn my insides into a one-sided kicking contest, and Baby D is definitely winning. I decided that during the first part of his training I would come to California for a visit, which I'm glad I did because I am usually so busy here that I don't have much time to think about just how much I miss him until I go to bed and right when I wake up in the morning.

One thing that is really hard though is that Sgt D did not get to feel Baby D move before I left, he got to see it on my last night, but not feel it. This has just about broken my heart. It makes me think of all the other "firsts" that are going to be missed in the coming year. I know that it is important not to focus on this, but it is on my mind and I can't really help it. I am reminding myself that I need to be strong, which I am, but sometimes I wish that I didn't have to be. Oh well, this is the life of an army wife and a soon to be army brat. We will get through and we will support Sgt D 110% during this deployment and whatever else the army may have in store for us.

Footprints on my belly

As most of my readers know I have not been having the easiest of pregnancies, I'm 18 weeks and 2 days along and I've already been to the ER twice and I've had to have a consult with the Maternal Fetal Medicine group. I haven't been able to consistently take my prenatal vitamins because they either make me throw up or make me wish I had thrown up. I haven't been sleeping well because I cannot get comfortable (and this is causing me to be a cranky bugger, just ask Sgt D or my mom, who have more than once been on the receiving end of my crankiness).

Well...today made the past 4 months all worth it. I got to see Baby D on an amazing ultrasound and this is my favorite picture. Baby D was making footprints on my belly and on my heart. I fell absolutely head over heels in love today with Baby D, and I'm finally starting to see past my misery to what I have to look forward to in 22 weeks!

Dear Doctor

Dear Doctors everywhere,

I just thought I would point out a few things that you may have forgotten on the road to becoming the medical "genius" that you are today. Your patients are people, they have real emotions and real issues, they are not something to be studied in a vacuum. Your actions can impact not only your patient but all of that patients loved ones who are depending on your expertise to make the patient better.

Your patients deserve a good bedside manner and are looking to you to be their advocate, that is why they have entrusted you with their health care. You are not the only fish in the sea and believe it or not, for the most part, patients have a choice in whether or not they allow you to continue as their health care provider. Please remember this the next time you have over-booked yourself and can only allow five minutes for the exam and no time for questions. Also remember that, believe it or not, your patients have schedules and lives that are just as hectic as yours is, and when you keep them waiting you are potentially interfering with their entire day as well. Most people work for a living or have other commitments during the day and do not have time sit idly in a waiting room while you send emails and twitter on your blackberry.

I would also like to take this time to thank you. I realize that what you have done by becoming a health care professional is a great thing. You have chosen to help others and at times you sacrifice your personal life and time with your family to do so, please do not think this goes unnoticed or unappreciated. Sometimes it is easier to be angry with you personally rather than a health care system that does not work because we know you, and the health care system, while part of our lives, is a somewhat abstract entity.

Please take these suggestions and compliments to heart. Patients everywhere, this one included, would appreciate any positive changes that may result.

Sincerely,
A patient of 27 years, 11 months and 6 days

Advice

Sometimes when you tell a friend that you are having a bad day or that crappy things are going on you really do want their advice on how to handle the situation. Generally when you are looking for advice phrases such as: "what do you think?" "what are your thoughts?", are common.

Other times though, you are simply looking for someone to listen and be supportive. You don't want their advice, in fact you don't even want their thoughts on the situation. You just want to know that they care and understand what you are going through.

Today I am looking for someone to listen and be supportive. I'm not looking for advice or how someone else would have handled the situation because guess what, no one else is in the situation, I'm the person going through it and all I want right now is someone to empathize with me. I don't want to hear about a time you went through something similar or how you think I should handle the situation. I am handling it, I just wanted to share part of my day with you and know that you care.

Before giving advice or thoughts, make sure that the person you are giving a piece of your mind to actually wants it. If not, all you may be doing is upsetting them even more and that is probably the last thing in the world that they need right now!

(Sorry for the rant, but I needed to get it out of my system and off my chest!)

Food Glorious Food!

I'm back up to three meals a day and two snacks! I am so excited. So far the second trimester is infinitely better than the first one, which was just painful. My energy level is up and I know that eating regularly is so much better for Baby D.

Who knew how happy a simple sandwich and chips could make me. Amazing!

maternity clothes

I haven't wanted to go maternity clothes shopping, but this weekend my mom took me and after wasting our time at Target, we ended up at Kohl's and found some great stuff. I would just like to tell the people who run Target that in the Pacific Northwest our summer doesn't get too much hotter than 75 degrees and therefore carrying nothing but shorts for pregnant women is STUPID. It gets cold and wet here! We need pants too!!!

I digress... Kohl's had a great selection and an awesome sale going on. I was able to get two pairs of jeans and four tops, which I was so excited about! It is amazing how much more comfortable I am wearing my maternity pants compared to my jeans. I am so happy, and not only that...but my nausea is getting better. Two things to celebrate!

starting to feel better

This weekend was the first in my pregnancy that I didn't feel like absolute garbage every moment of every waking day. This was especially nice in light of the fact that my parents were here for a visit and that we moved and I couldn't really afford to be sick the whole time. I swear, any woman who says that pregnancy is great and wonderful and all that jazz is full of it (and I'm sure you can figure out what "it" is).

We had a lot of fun this weekend with my parents. We unpacked almost the whole house on Saturday and had a great dinner at our favorite Japanese restaurant, Two Koi in Tacoma, WA. We also went to an action packed Giants v. the Mariners game on Sunday, which was so close, but alas, we lost. My mom also took me shopping on Sunday for maternity clothes, which are way more comfortable than wearing jeans with the button undone.

Today we went for a nice walk around part of American Lake which is right beside our new house. It was a great walk and I can't wait to go fishing there. Now they are on the plane and leaving for home. I'm gonna miss them, but I'm really looking forward to going to California this summer for a few weeks. It will be a nice treat.

Hearing Things

For years now I have slept with earplugs in...nine years to be exact. When I was younger noises at night didn't seem to bother me too much, when I got to college though...everything changed. My sophomore year roommate snored, and I don't mean a dainty little snore, I mean a football linebacker snore. I had every intent after the school year was over to go home and stop using the earplugs, but then I found that the slightest noises at home were keeping me awake too. You know the noises I'm talking about, the wind, an annoying 18 lb cat that needs attention at 2 am, my mom opening the garage door at o'dark thirty, etc. So I kept using them.

Ever since I've been pregnant though, they have been really bothering me, but what is worse is that (according to my pregnancy books) my hearing seems to be getting better the more pregnant I get. So now I hear all the sounds in my apartment, AND in the apartment above me (and some of those sounds I really wish I could block out, like the sound of my neighbor going pee). I realize the neighbor problems will end on Friday when we move into our 3 bedroom house on post, but all the other noises will still be there.

Well last night was the first night in about three weeks that I was able to sleep with my earplugs in. I only woke up a couple of times (which is normal for me), and I was able to sleep from 11:15pm to 10:48am. I was so happy. I really hope this turns into a sleeping streak!

Facebook

Facebook is an interesting experience. I have a page, and ever since joining I began to get friend requests from people I went to high school with. This was no surprise from my good friends from high school, but some of the people who sent me friend requests was down right shocking. I mean, some of these girls barely knew my name in school, and now they want to be my friend. I generally accept the requests when I get them. I mean after all, I do know the person (six degrees of separation know them), and we do have something in common. I just get a little disappointed every time I accept one and come to figure out that the person is what I like to call a friend collector. They have 300+ or 400+ friends and can't possibly keep up with each and every one of them. It really does bring me back to high school and reminds me that life really is a popularity contest, and you know what, I didn't have time for that game in high school, and now...I don't have the energy for it!

I found out yesterday that my high school reunion is on September 10th of this year. It seems to be at some kinda bar in San Francisco. By the time it rolls around I will be at the end of my seventh month (or sixth) and I'm not really sure that going to a bar that far along could be viewed as anything but inappropriate! We shall see what happens. I didn't have any interest for the 5 year, and while I am mildly more interested now, I just don't know if I am interested enough.

13 Weeks

Today I am thirteen weeks along in my pregnancy, and so far...I'm not loving the experience. I have always heard of women who loved being pregnant and I'm beginning to wonder about their sanity. Throwing up, being nauseous, dizzy, tired, my skin drying out, my hair feeling and looking dull...and the icing on the cake today was that I fainted.

I'm really looking forward to the 2nd trimester when everyone swears I will start feeling better. This cannot happen quickly enough.

****FYI...I just got off the phone with the urgent care nurse at the hospital and she says fainting at this point in the pregnancy is perfectly normal. She wants me to watch my temperature and make sure it does not go too high, or I have to go in.****

We're Moving!

I finally managed to convince Sgt D that we need to move on post, and we are moving on May 22nd. I am really excited, because we are expecting Baby D to join our family in about 6 months (give or take depending on whether or not Baby D will be early or late) we qualified for a three bedroom house in a great neighborhood. Our new neighborhood is called Beachwood and our house is literally less than a block from American Lake. I can't wait to go fishing in the summer and walk back and BBQ our catch at our new house.

The house is a three bedroom home, with a carport and two storage areas. The best part is that our move in date matches almost perfectly with when our lease is up at our current apt, so we won't be charged any lease breakage fees. Sgt D's commute is also going to be cut significantly and we will be closer to grocery shopping, the PX and most importantly in the coming months...the Hospital.

Once we get settled and have the internet up and running at our new place I will post pictures. I am very excited!

Long time no blog

So, many of you may have noticed that I haven't been blogging recently. I have a good reason, I swear. I have been keeping a secret and trying to let as many people know personally as possible, however, at this point I have either been unsuccessful at getting in touch with you or you already know.

SGT D & I ARE HAVING A BABY!!!

We are really excited and I just wanted to let everyone out there know that this is the reason I haven't been blogging. I'm terrible at keeping secrets, but now that we have reached the 3 month mark, I finally feel good about sharing the news.

Never Say Never!

I was watching the weather report on Friday morning and the meteorologist said that there was going to be rain all weekend and (direct quote here) "absolutely no chance of snow below 3,000 feet." Well...this is why weathermen should not use the word absolutely in any sentence. I woke up this morning to snow falling, and falling hard at that! It was absolutely beautiful, but it made me laugh. Why on earth would he say that, all it did was guarantee that at some point this weekend we would have snow!

Silly weatherman should have known better than to be forecasting in absolute terms!

NO Adult Supervision

I started quilting when I was 20 years old. My first quilt was for the birth of my niece. Very simple, in fact the backing was leftover fabric from my rainbow days. My next quilt was for a four year mistake, damn I wish I hadn't wasted the quilt on him! My third quilt was for my nephew, then I made a quilt top for my cousin B, my mom finished it this past year and it was a Christmas gift from both of us. My fourth quilt went to my in-laws and my sixth quilt made it here to my own bed. It turned out beautifully. It is an "Around the World" pattern and while it isn't perfect I absolutely love it.

Yesterday though was a really exciting day in my quilting life. I put together a quilt that I made by myself...With No Adult Supervision (meaning no help from my mom). That was a big moment for me. It isn't 100% perfect, but that is what makes homemade gifts special, the little imperfections. This quilt is for my Adult Supervisor (I like to call her mom though). She has already seen it and knows I'm making it, so I don't mind posting it in a place where she can get a sneak peak of one of her gifts.

(the picture quality isn't the best because I used my camera phone)