Small Moments = Big Memories

I've been trying to capture moments. In my mind's eye or on my camera.  Every chance I get.

Watching them play with her dolls in her bedrooms. I watched for a good 5 minutes from her door before they realized I was there this morning. There is nothing sweeter than watching a big strong soldier playing on the floor with his 2 year old little girls dolls. It just melted my heart, for both of them.

Walking in on them building with legos, she likes to go big or go home, so everything is tall and rickety. He likes to build superstructures and she likes to destroy them. Watching them interact and play just puts a smile in my heart.

I am trying to hold on to these moments and memories, so that when I get sad and down a month from now I can remember them, and when I can discreetly take a picture and capture that moment I do. I know it will come in handy when she is missing him and I need to remind her just how much he loves her and misses her.

The other night I was particularly down and they both came in the kitchen, turned on, as Toddler D calls it "The Cars Song" and we danced for like 45 minutes together. We all had so much fun. It was a small moment in time, a passing moment, but it was a lasting memory for all of us. 

Running Out of Time

I find that we are quickly running out of time. Time for long walks, time to go to the park, time to read stories and giggle together.  We are just running out of time. Don't get me wrong, these things aren't going to end or suddenly disappear from our lives, no, we will keep doing them, we just won't be doing them as a whole family for awhile.  This separation is taking its toll on us. Toddler D knows and understands that Daya is going away, she doesn't understand the reasons and likely she wouldn't care if she did understand, but she definitely gets that he is leaving. This is hard and she is going out of her way to express her displeasure. I don't really blame her and honestly I'm not even mad at her for it (although I do get quite frustrated in the moment - hard not to when she throws a slinky at my head - and she throws hard!).  I just wish I could make it all better. Better for her, better for me and better for SSG D. I know that I can't and that is the hardest thing.

I keep telling myself, put your big girl panties on and deal with it, like you always do. This time I just really don't want to. I'll be perfectly honest, I am NOT IN THE MOOD!  Things are really really good right now for us and this deployment is just getting in the way. I am going to try and approach it as a challenge, something to be conquered and overcome, but that isn't always easy.  I have to trust in the love that we have for each other to pull us through.

This time is different because the challenges are different. Last time Toddler D was 6 weeks old and didn't have a clue what was going on. She didn't even know that Daya was gone, she had no concept of what having a Daya meant. Well...this time Toddler D is 2.5 and she knows! Not only does she know but she is 100% in love with her Daya. Challenge number 2 is the fact that we have our own home this time - talk about responsibility! I have absolutely no interest in mowing my lawn but the HOA says that I have to do it! Thank God for neighbors with teenage boys who want spending money for the summer, not quite sure what I would do if I had to mow the lawn other than pay a pretty penny to get someone else to do it.  I am now in charge of all home maintenance. If the toilet stops up there is no calling on base housing to have them fix it, nope, I am now the house plumber!  Wish me luck. 

Have patience with me in the coming weeks and months, this is not going to be easy. Lucky for Toddler D and I, we have my parents and SSG D's parents who we will be spending time with. I am looking forward to the adult interaction for me and the extra distraction for Toddler D. Say a prayer of safety for SSG D, I will blog again after he has left here and arrived safely at his new temporary home for the next 9 months.

Being Supportive

I want to be supportive of SSG D - in fact I think that is one of the cornerstones of a good marriage - supporting each others decisions and actions. I have been finding it hard to be supportive lately and what makes it worse is that it is over something that is completely out of his hands.

I want to support him while he is dealing with something that I am certain he doesn't want to do but it is hard because as much as he doesn't want to do it, I don't want him to do it either, but we both know he has no choice. So my question is...how do you be supportive when you are 100% against something? I have no vote, no voice, no say...AT ALL. All I can do is choose how I act and re-act in this situation. I am choosing to put on my big girl panties and a happy face - mainly because SSG D deserves that. He needs to know that everything is going to be ok, that I have it all handled. He does not need to be worrying about us and how we are doing. I know he will do that anyways, but I don't need to add to it.

I am choosing to support him, to let him know I am here, to let him know I can do all that I'm going to need to do and to let him know I can do it with grace and dignity. It isn't something I want to do, but it is something I WILL do.

Something in the Air

There is something in the air...something has changed. I wish I could say that I can't really put my finger on it but I can, but I know what is causing the change.  We are suddenly holding on a few seconds longer when we hug. Staying up a few minutes later to talk. Laughing even harder when Toddler D does something funny and adorable.

Change is coming. It can be a really scary thing, especially this kind of change. You never know what is going to happen, you just know that things are going to be different and probably harder.  I would love to say that it is going to be different good, but this kind of different is never good. However, we will do our best to make sure that it isn't a bad kind of different (for Toddler D's sake and our own). 

The thing I don't like about the change that is coming is all the uncertainty. Not know what is going to happen, when the phone will ring, if I am going to get that dreaded visit at my doorstep. Here are a few of the things I do like (at least in theory): what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - we are about to be as strong as diamonds, each moment is going to be that much more special and important, and I honestly can't think of any more than that. I would say I am excited about the sewing time, but I'm not, I would giveaway my sewing machine if it meant that this change didn't have to happen.

It is coming though and we are preparing. We each have our own ways, I am past the denial stage and entering acceptance. Time to put my big girl panties on and deal with it!

Time to blog

So it has been 2 months since I have blogged here. Oh, yes, I said here. I blog somewhere else too.  I haven't blogged here because here...I am a different person. Here I am open and completely honest about practically every aspect of my life and that can be really hard at times. I have been trying something new the past few months and for the most part it has been really working for me. I have been focusing on all the good in my life and what I have to be thankful for and I have been a much happier person. 

I do have so much to be grateful for.  My wonderful family - my amazing daughter and wonderful husband! They are my everything. I am grateful for the house we live in and my parents who have helped us so much. I am grateful that I am finally beginning to get it - the it being what it means to be an army wife and what that "job" entails (and yes, it is a job - a full time job, especially when you have a child). 

There have been other things going on too - things I haven't really put into words very often or in very many places. I have been sick, really sick. I have lost close to 20 lbs and I have no explanation as to why. That scares the pants off me. I have been in the hospital for testing and I don't have answers yet. I am also living in a current state of exhaustion. When you have a 2 year old you have to keep up and Toddler D can be difficult to keep up with as she is a bundle of energy (which is a good thing!).  Being sick for so long and losing so much weight, so quickly and without trying, is really scary. I am as thin as I was on my wedding day. Most women would be so happy about this, but I'm not, I want to know why I can eat 2 or 3 thousand calories in a day and still lose sometimes 2 lbs over night. That is not normal.

I am looking forward to a much needed vacation next week. We are heading back to CA for the holidays. SSG D (yup, SSG - SGT D has been promoted to SSG D) really needs a break and we are going to make it extra special this time by taking Toddler D with my parents to Lake Tahoe. We have been getting ready for that experience for weeks, making sure we have the right clothes and gear for snow play. Tahoe better deliver on the snow after all our preparations! We are going to take some time to really relax on this trip. Less running around and more time just enjoying ourselves as a family. That will be a welcome change and hopefully it will take my mind of other things....

Happy holidays everyone and I'm sorry for being a bad blogger (AGAIN!).

Harder than a deployment

Last night I had an epiphany. In so many ways this past year has been harder on my family than the deployment that we went through just one year ago.  Upon Sgt D's return he was put in charge of supply and in charge of a supply room that was a complete and utter DISASTER.  We were given all kinds of empty promises before he came home, like: everyone will be off work by 1500 (3:00 pm for you civilians) every day until block leave (2 months after getting home).  That did actually happen...for everyone who wasn't in supply. Most days, and keep in mind we lived on post and he had a 10 minute commute, we didn't see him until practically bedtime for Toddler D.  We were promised DONSAs and make-up DONSAs that never came. 

What makes this so difficult is that Sgt D is up at 4:30 am every morning 5 days a week. Most days he doesn't make it home in time for dinner and usually misses bedtime with Toddler D.  This means that Toddler D only sees her daddy 2 days a week, and each and every weekend it is like a complete reintroduction and adjustment period. It is hard on her, it tears him to pieces and I just can't stand watching it. We know she loves him, but she never gets to see him and because of that...well you can imagine the issues it brings to the front.  When they do get one on one time together on the weekends, it is awesome to watch them, but during the week, for all intents and purposes you wouldn't even know that they live under the same roof. It makes me so sad.

In other ways this has been hard too. There just are not enough hours in the day.  When Sgt D consistently gets home after 8 or 9 pm every night for months on end it is hard to get any special time with him.  Husband and wife bonding time - even just to watch a tv show.  We have gotten to the point where we are scheduling "date nights"...when they fit into the army's plan that is.  We started talking just last night and I said, I know you probably don't want to talk right now seeing as you have to get up in 5 hours and he said that it was definitely in the back of his mind.  I feel like I have to do everything in this house by myself. Not because he won't help me, because he does whenever he is home, but because I feel guilty asking him for help on his 2 days a week off work. I want him to be able to relax and not think about that yucky toilet that needs scrubbing.

That's why this year in some ways has been harder than a deployment....on all of us.  During the deployment we each had our routines, we knew what to expect every day, we knew when we were going to talk (for the most part), when we would see each other, and what we needed to do to get through the day.  This is totally different. It is as though the giant puppet master (the army) is pulling all the strings and likes making us dance.  Toddler D is suffering the most - the weekly readjustment to daddy is hard.  She tests him every chance she gets and while it is clear how much she loves him it is also clear that she doesn't trust that she will get to see him every day.  Every morning she gets up and looks for the truck outside - her way of figuring out if daddy is home or not.  We have a new commander now, maybe things will improve. Maybe we will get to start having dinner with Sgt D again, that would be a huge treat. 

Lucky for us, there is so much love in this house that the situation hasn't pulled us apart. We have a new sense of respect for what the other person is going through, and we are both learning to be more understanding and compassionate.  Our marriage gets stronger - this is one test that we seem to be passing with flying colors.

Taking Back the Power

I have noticed something lately, I seem to have given all of my power away. My power over how I feel about my body. My power over how I feel about myself as a mommy. My power over how I feel about myself as a wife. I have let how other people perceive me from the outside looking in impact how I feel about myself.  People who don't live my life and people who (in many cases) I don't know and will never even say a word to.  I have decided that this stops today.

I think I am a good person. I think, for a mom, a 30 year old woman and someone who has been permanently disabled since she was 20, I have a pretty nice body - heck just today I was able to get into my size 2 jeans.  For some reason I have let how people might interpret the fact that I prefer jeans, a comfy tee and a pony tail impact how I view myself. The way I dress has everything to do with comfort - not the fact that I have "given up" on myself. I don't like wearing make-up, and I really don't like doing my hair. I can think of 1000 other things I could be doing with the 20 - 30 minutes that takes me every day.  Maybe if I had a full time job I would invest the time, but that is a completely different situation (and by the way, when I did work full time I still didn't do my hair and make up every day).

I let how people might perceive my parenting decisions impact my self worth as a parent. No I don't panic every time Toddler D falls, I let her get up and decide if she needs hugs and loves before rushing over to her in a panic.  The vast majority of the time she brushes a fall off and moves on to the next thing.  I let people judge me based on what she eats and drinks. Yup, when we are at a restaurant I absolutely give her french fries. If we are eating them and she wants one I'm not going to tell her no, I don't think that is fair to her. We don't go out very often so she doesn't get to eat them very often, she is certainly in no immediate danger of being considered over weight, so I'm not too chuffed if all she eats when we go to Applebee's is fries.  I know that during the day she ate plenty of healthy food to make up for the cruddy dinner she is eating. 

I let people judge my marriage - and let me tell you folks, that stops today.  Until you walk a mile in my shoes, in my marriage then don't even consider judging it or me.  We have our issues like any couple and we are working hard to resolve those issues.  There is tons of love to go around but as a military family it is really hard when we don't get to see each other and there is always another deployment or other type of separation looming on the horizon. 

I am Mrs. D and I am taking back my power. I know deep in my soul that I am a good person, a good mom, and a good wife. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me.  If I can look at myself in the mirror every morning and still like what I see then I must be doing something right.  I hope you will take back the power too. 

PS. If you haven't seen this blog, go check it out and remember that you are Awesome!

Dear Blog

Are you feeling neglected? Left out? Ignored?  As well you should! It has been a long time since I have come to you to pour my heart out. 

There are lots of reasons I have not come to you. I have been busy, life has happened.  As someone was once heard to say, "and the hits just keep on coming." That is how it has felt lately. There are so many things in our lives to be grateful for, we have wonderful family and an amazing daughter. We have our gorgeous new home that we love. There is so much joy, but as in any family we have our sorrows too - Toddler D has been sick. We spent a few days in the hospital and let me tell you there is nothing sadder than watching a 20 month old lay on an exam table with her arm out stretched so that a team of nurses can try for 4 hours to get an iv in her. No fighting it, no struggling against it, only saying over and over again "Good Girl".  It was enough to make a grown army doctor cry (and me too!).  She is on the mend now, but the doctor said it is going to be a month to a month and a half before she is back to her old self again.

Good things are happening every day though and new ideas are being born. We will see what the future holds for us, I am excited about things on the horizon.

I am sorry for ignoring you, this isn't the first time and it probably won't be the last either.  You are important to me, but you also come last.

Love, Mrs. D

30 years, 30 things

1981 - I was born - that in and of itself was pretty big, without that event...I wouldn't be here
1982 - I learned to walk
1983 - Started talking up a storm - my mom used to ask "who put a quarter in you?"
1984 - Started Happy Halls and named Papa "my FBI man"
1985 - Turned 4 - yeah, I can't remember that far back, I'm kinda winging the early years a bit!
1986 - Started kindergarten
1987 - First trip to Disneyland - if that's not a milestone, I don't know what is!
1988 - Broke my first bone - the first of MANY!
1989 - Got my first black eye
1990 - Started walking home from school with my brother - no more day care after school!
1991 - Entered double digits with a party that involved large balloons and dreaming about future undergarments - I was TEN, what do you expect!
1992 - Joined Rainbow girls - this had a lasting impact on me, I hope one day Toddler D will be interested
1993 - Joined band and made a lifelong friend
1994 - Experienced my first funeral and the loss of a loved one
1995 - Finished Middle School and started High School
1996 - Sewed my first pair of pants - and learned a valuable lessons about directional prints!
1997 - Had a run in with a bat, a logging truck and I got my driver's license - it was a big summer
1998 - Drove through the garage door (I can laugh about it now...sorta)
1999 - Graduated from high school and went to Hawaii for the first time
2000 - Finally picked my major - History/Social Sciences - I still love it and actually plan to use it in my third career
2001 - Discovered my love of photography
2002 - Bought my first sewing machine, my medium format camera and my Nikon SLR - girls love techie toys too!
2003 - Graduated from college with honors
2004 - Went to Tahiti - saw the birthplace of my great grandparents and met many wonderful relatives
2005 - Went to Alaska - the sun never set on my birthday that year
2006 - Went to Hawaii for the second time
2007 - Met the love of my life, got married, and moved out of CA - something I never thought I would do!
2008 - Started my Master's in Education program - I hope to finish it some day too!
2009 - Met my best friend ever - she is absolutely beautiful and a total firecracker! Toddler D is AMAZING
2010 - Survived Sgt D's first deployment - thanks to my parents and 4 months in CA
2011 - Became a home owner

Can't wait to see what the next 30 years has in store for me and my family!

Things to think about when moving

We finally moved last weekend! Woohoo! We have a place of our very own. We can put a nail in the wall and no one can say one word about it. That is pretty cool when you have been renting for the past several years and prior to that you lived with your parents and your dad would have had a cow if you put a hole in his wall.

Here is a short list of things to think about the next time you move:

1. Check the drawer under the oven before leaving - otherwise you might forget your only casserole dishes
2. Have your best friend watch your toddler, if her whole world is going to change at least have her be with someone she is comfortable with
3. Whatever size truck you think you are going to need...get one size bigger!!! Thankfully our previous neighbors are really nice and let us keep some stuff in their carport for a week until we can pick it up.
4. You are going to be exhausted the day you move, don't offer to buy everyone dinner, instead tell them after you get settled you will have a big "Thank you" BBQ - entertaining that night is NUTS!
5. Be prepared for your toddler's schedule to be messed up for a few days - her whole world has changed and it takes awhile to readjust.
6. If you are moving in to a house with no window coverings, make sure that you packed your largest sheets somewhere convenient and easy to find the first night. You will look like gypsies until your blinds are installed, but at least you will be able to sleep and comfortably walk around your house!
7. Something will be wrong with the house...hopefully only minor, but try not to let it stress you out too much, you are already exhausted and don't need the extra headache of allowing it to bug you. Help is only a phone call away.
8. Don't have enough furniture to fill your house...IKEA!  In less than three hours you can buy 7 new pieces of furniture and only spend $1,500.  Remember to always bring two vehicles or be prepared to shell out the extra $50.00 for home delivery (which to me is totally worth it!).
9. Don't panic, everything doesn't have to be unpacked in one day. If you bought the house you have a lifetime to get settled in...but don't be like my mom either - living in the same house for 19 years and only just finishing the unpacking this past Christmas! (forgive me mom)
10. Congratulations and enjoy the moment!

 Lots of lessons learned and more on the way!

Enjoying the view from the porch

18 Months

Note: This post would have gone up on the 12th, but blogger was down for almost a full day and I wasn't feeling well yesterday.

Toddler D is now 18 months old. She is a HANDFUL!!!  In a good way most of the time. 

The Amazing Shrinking Giraffe

Here are some cool "milestones" we have reached since her 15 month appointment:

1. She can climb out of the crib if left in there without her modified sleep sack on (ok this one isn't cool AT ALL but it is a milestone!)
2. She has all sorts of new words. Here are some of Sgt D's and my favorites: WOW, Geez, Gosh, Baba (that is Grandpa), mail, park, wee (swing), boo boo (which is poo poo), and boo (which is boo boo).  
3. She is a climber!  She will climb on ANYTHING. God help us when we move into the new house with the STAIRS. 
4. She is taller than the kitchen counters and does not always remember that fact.
5. She now rides the big girl swings and as of Thursday she likes to jump off mid-swing - yes mommy just about had a heart attack!
6. She loves bath time and blowing bubbles in the tub - but she only seems to like it when daddy gives her a bath, when mommy does she screams the whole time and wants OUT!
7. She will only eat meals now if we have her music playing, she sways to the beat while she eats - at least she has rhythm. 
8. When mama is gone she demands mama the whole time, when dada is gone she demands dada all day long. Needless to say, mama hears "dada" all day long during the week and is constantly saying the words "Dada is at work".
9. She knows the google video chat ring means that she will get to see Nana and as soon as the computer makes the noise she starts saying "Nana" over and over again :)
10. We have officially started potty training!  She has the interest and hopefully soon the desire and we can stop doing cloth diapers! That would be this mommy's dream come true!

Those are just a few of her recent milestones and silly things she does. Toddler D is so much fun and brings so much joy to our lives.

Dada's Hiking Buddy

Mama's Playmate

Life Goes On...

Yesterday someone died.  Someone who did horrible things to countless people died. I am not going to celebrate his death anymore than I would celebrate his life. Instead I am going to tell you that life goes on.

People in the army are still deployed, his death is not going to have them come home any earlier.  If anything, his death could mean even more deaths of American men and women as a backlash from his supporters. Life goes on for these men and women, they are still on the FOB waiting in line for a phone or a computer to talk to a loved one at home.

My daughter is still sick and we are still struggling to get a mental and emotional handle on the situation. She is still a bright light in our lives.  Her life GOES ON.

Spinning circles in her new driveway

Sgt D and I continue construction on our house. As of yesterday our closing date is May 26th and we plan to be 100% moved in (let's not talk about unpacked) by the end of Memorial Day Weekend.  Our lives GO ON.

In the big scheme of things, nothing has changed other than the "face" of evil and hate has died.  My hope and prayer for this country and for this country's soldiers is that we can find a way to move forward from this incident that does not involve the loss of anymore lives, from either side of this ongoing conflict.  Even one more death is too many.

3.5 Years

Tomorrow will be 3.5 years since Sgt D and I moved to WA.  When we first got here I thought I was going to spend the rest of our stay here wearing 15 layers of clothes at all times.  I was constantly wrapped up in a blanket wearing at least two shirts and a sweatshirt at all times!  I was COLD!

It is amazing how things have changed. I still have to wear a house coat to keep warm, but when we go out now I usually just wear a t-shirt and a light polar fleece zip up.  In fact, on the days that it is 50 degrees out and the sun is shinning, I actually run the Air Conditioning!  When I lived in CA I didn't run the AC unless it was over 85 outside.

I only thought about this because we got new neighbors last weekend, and I asked our new neighbor how she liked it up here and she said point blank that she hated it. I asked if it was the weather and she said it was. She is from Arizona and used to a much warmer and DRYER climate.  I could completely understand where she is coming from. At least she arrived in Spring when the weather is just starting to get nice as opposed to the middle of Fall when you have 8 months left to wait before the rain even considers letting up.  She said that she and her husband would do their time here and request a transfer as soon as they were allowed one.  I told her that we originally felt the same way, but now 3.5 years later we are buying a house here and getting ready to call WA home for as long as the army will let us.  She thinks I'm crazy now, but that's ok because I really have come to love it here.

Now that things have changed with Toddler D's health situation, Sgt D and I are going to fight even harder now with the army to make sure that we can stay here. We want to make sure that she receives consistent health care from trained specialists in the pediatric kidney field. We both have realized just how precious her health care is and we certainly do not want to chance ending up stationed somewhere that does not have a local specialist. We can't take any risks anymore.

Toddler D is a trooper and she loved celebrating Easter yesterday. It is her smile and joy that makes everything we and she are going through worth the struggle.

After all, how can you deny her anything!

Getting Brave

I find that the older I get the braver I get. I am also gaining some confidence...at least in certain areas of my life. I have come to the conclusion that I have some talent. I think I am a good photographer - not the best in the world, but maybe better than average.  I also think that I have some creative talent in my sewing and knitting. 

I have started taking risks and trying new things. Just tonight I free-motion quilted a new quilt that I DESIGNED for Toddler D.  There are two major things in that last sentence. I free-motion quilted a quilt AND I designed a quilt. Two things that I don't think I would have done a year ago, heck even six months ago. 

A lot of my new found bravery comes from the deployment I think. During those 10 months I learned a few things about myself. I learned that I can take care of a house and a sick baby by myself (ok, mostly by myself, mom and dad helped out too when they could).  I really did not think that much good was going to come out of this deployment, but I was wrong. Sgt D and I are more open with each other now. With the readjustment period behind us, along with the readjustment arguing, we have learned to really communicate with each other and that is something for which I am very grateful.  Yes we have spats, but we are also quicker to rein in our emotions and have adult conversations now.  The deployment taught me that there are bigger things to fear in life than messing up some craft project, even if I did spend 10 or 15 hours working on said project. If I mess something up now, I either rip it apart and start over or I chalk it up to a good learning experience. 

I am so very grateful for these lessons.  While I am not looking forward to the coming separation AT ALL, at least I know that there is room for growth for both Sgt D and myself. I really do think, now that we have survived a deployment, that we truly can survive just about anything.

Gearing up

Easter is just around the corner, then Mother's Day, then we move into our home, then Father's Day, and before you know it I am going to turn 25! (At least 25 for those of you who can't count or don't know my birthday, for those of you who can count or do know my birthday, I maintain, 25!)

It seems like in the next 2.5 months our family has a lot going on, and then shortly thereafter we are losing Sgt D to the army once again. He will be going to GA for 6 months for AIT to change his job. This is going to be hard for us, but at the same time it will be so much easier than the deployment because this time around we will be able to talk almost every day and we will have access to google video chat and skype. 

I am more concerned about the impact on Toddler D than anything else. She is finally used to her daddy and in complete and total love with him and then he is going to disappear again. How do I explain to her that he is coming back and that he still loves her unconditionally and nothing has changed permanently? These are questions I am worrying about now because I know August is coming fast and I am going to have to face these issues head on.

Father Daughter Bonding

I just don't want to lose what we have worked so hard to build with her since he came home in September.  Help me people, give me ideas on how to hold it together for her, especially as we get closer and closer to the terrible twos?

I don't want to lose this precious smile

It looks like a house...

From the outside anyways!

The inside looks a little more like this...or at least it did last Wednesday when Sgt D went down for our walk through appointment.

View from garage looking into living room

Under the stairs

My kitchen!

My sewing sanctuary

Our front door

Living room

Toddler D's room

Guest room - affectionately known as mom and dad's room

Loft Upstairs

Our Bedroom - if you look closely in the right back corner you can see the tub!

The builder is working on the drywall right now so we can't go back into the house until April 25th, but believe me we will be there with bells on when we are allowed back in with more pictures to follow.

I am so excited I bought a book on decorating and can't wait to plan a shopping trip to IKEA and to my favorite fabric store.

This Old House

I grew up in an old house. I am going to say it is probably around 80 years old...well that isn't being entirely fair. The addition to the house is probably closer to 21 or 22 years old. Not exactly young for a house.  I love my parents house. It has a lot of character. It has a completely finished attic, which when we originally went house hunting in 1992, my parents and I jokingly referred to as E's room (E is my older brother). Oddly enough he did end up living up there in his late teens - his choice.  It has two garages, a his and hers if you will and you can tell the which one is which!  When we moved in it had the UGLIEST wallpaper I had ever encountered in my life, it still holds the record 19 years later!  Mom and dad quickly tore it down and have since repainted the entire room.  It has a basement that has flooded at least once, a chimney that is literally strapped to the side of the house, and an awesome back yard with a spa (that mom and dad added when I was 15 - my high school friends loved parties at my house). 

Sgt D and I are building our own home. We got to pick everything, right down to the style and brand of our toilet. Can you imagine making those choices? If we got the colors wrong we are stuck with them for a very long long time!  We picked our fridge, our stove, our cabinets, the flooring, the counter tops, etc etc etc.  It was exhausting.  My parents even flew up one weekend to help us make some of the decision regarding electrical because neither Sgt D or I was qualified to make those choices on our own. Thanks mom and dad for always having our backs!  We are going to have a cookie cutter home, the only character our house is going to have is what we bring to the table. I cannot wait to move in and start bringing some of our character into the house!

Here is a little picture collage of our house from the day we put up the SOLD sign on our lot through today. As of this afternoon our house has a roof and windows. It is really starting to look like a house!

Do I Make You Proud?

This is a question that occupied my mind a lot growing up and into my adult years. The question was usually directed towards my parents. I wanted their approval, but more importantly, I wanted to make them proud. I wanted them to be able to proudly say to any person they met that I was their daughter.  I still want to make my mom and dad proud, but these days I keep thinking about another person in my life that I want to make proud, Toddler D.

I am not seeking her approval, but I do want her to want to say "that is my mom and she is the best". I truly want to do everything in my power to make her proud to have me as a parent, mother, confidant and friend. I am proud of my parents. I think they are truly amazing people. To have gone as far in their lives as they have and to have accomplished all that they have professionally while neither of them possess college degrees is so impressive. It is, I'm sure, also part of the reason it was so important to them that I get my college degree, not because they thought it would put me above or ahead of anyone else, but rather so I wouldn't have to encounter many of the struggles that they faced in their professional careers. I am proud of them because they have been married since 1972.  How many people these days can say that?!? And even more importantly, they are still in love!  That makes me so proud of my parents because they never gave up on each other, even during the hard times. I don't really know if they had hard times but I assume that all marriages go through periods that are rougher than others.  I am proud of the fact that they are STILL taking risks and chances. They travel to far off countries that I know they would never have gone to 20 years ago, but now they just buy a plane ticket and go.

That all being said, I have been thinking about this question: How do I make Toddler D proud? Is it my actions? Is it how I treat her, her daddy, the people in our lives? Is it having a job/career? Is it making beautiful things? What can I do that is going to make her proud to say that I'm her mommy.

This year, 2011, has become a year of self-improvement for me. Not because I set a New Year's Resolution, but simply because as the past three months have gone by I have come to recognize that there are things about myself that I want to change and improve upon, for no one other than me. This time though, I want to make a change for her. I want to go out of my way to act in ways that would make her proud, quite specifically treating others the way that I want to be treated. If I want to be respected then I need to act in a respectful manner at all times. This may very well be the hardest part of parenthood. When you are single or it is just you and your partner there really isn't anyone watching you, but when I see my little mimic I realize that she is watching my EVERY MOVE and it is time that I act in ways that I want her to mimic and learn.

Success

Every time I think of the word "success" I think of the movie "The Secret to My Success" with Michael J. Fox at the very end when the song plays "The Secret of My Success". I love that song and actually whenever I need to spell the word the song plays in my head because they spell it out.

What the hell am I talking about?!?

I was just wondering how you measure success? I have found over the past few years that my measuring stick has changed. I used to measure it based on my job, my income, where I lived, etc. etc.  That has all changed. I can't measure on most of those things anymore. My "job" is a stay at home mom, part-time photographer who isn't making any money, crafter/designer, and wife. I guess I can also add full-time student to that list as Toddler D teaches me something new every day.  So how do I measure success in my life? Am I successful because Toddler D can put a puzzle together by herself?  Am I successful because I designed her Easter basket entirely on my own? 

I know I am not a failure at life, but I wonder if I can describe myself as successful at life? Thinking of the different people in my life I would definitely have to say that my parents have been very successful. They both have jobs that they have grown in and they have a beautiful home and family.  Both of their kids are doing "okay" and they now have the freedom to travel the world which, when Sgt D isn't deployed, they do quite regularly with their traveling buddies. 

I think I can honestly say that some things I have been very successful at and other things I have, in the words of Sgt D, "Super Failed" at.  I can live with that. We learn from our failures and I am still learning from mine.  One things is for sure...Toddler D was more than a success, she was a Super Success!

7 Days Can Change A LOT!

Here is what our house looked like on Day 0

Big weed covered empty lot

Here is what our house looked like on Day 1:

Big hole in the ground with a garage concrete slab

Here is what our house looked like on Day 2:

Big shipment of wood and the beginnings of garage walls

Here is what our house looked like on Day 7:

We have a second story!!!

And a roof too!!!

When I say seven days, I mean build days. Quadrant - the builder, does not work at all on weekends. Can you believe the progress from day 0 to day 7?!? These guys know what they are doing!