Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Temper Temper

So I guess it is possible to say, and perhaps justifiably so, that I have a temper.  A big bad hot temper.  It could also be said that when someone sets off my temper that I go for the throat/kill shot.  I do not know how to hold back when my temper goes off, I just say whatever comes to mind.

This is all quite unfortunate because if I have been irked for a few days at a person and they finally manage to put that tiny little straw on my already upset temper and it snaps I unleash everything I was balling up inside of me in one fell swoop.  Maybe you could compare me to a sleepy lioness or tigress. I am pretty to look at from afar, but do not upset me or I will use my jaws to rip out your jugular and then I will eat you for my mid-day snack.

In fact my temper is so bad at times that Sgt D actually remarked today that there are times when he wonders which one of us actually deployed to Afghanistan, seeing as his anger issues are at times nothing compared to mine.

Obviously this is something I need to work on. Mainly because this time next year I am going to have a two year old and GOD FORBID I unleash my temper on her.  Mind you my temper is not of the violent type. Simply the type where I need to learn to hold my tongue in my mouth and breath for 10 minutes prior to speaking.

NOTE: I am not putting this out there for advice or for funny jokes at my expense, I am merely holding myself accountable for the things I do and trying to better myself for my wonderful family. They deserve a wife and mommy that is nice and can keep a civil tongue in her head.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Settling back in

Some days it feels like this deployment and reintegration period will never be over. We are still settling back in to a routine and to each other.  There are times when I see my husband and wonder where he has been, then there are times when I see him and wonder who the person is standing in front of me.

We have both been changed so much by this deployment. I know I have become even more hard headed and independent (for those of you who know me it may be hard to believe that I could be EVEN more hard headed). I know how I like things and how I want things done and it is so hard for me to let go of the simplest of routines.  I am trying though. I have stepped almost completely out of bath time, that is no longer one of my things. I give Toddler D and Sgt D their time together every night, it is good for all three of us I think.

Sgt D has become angry and short tempered. Luckily I am the only one who gets the brunt of this, whether deservedly or not.  I hope that he finds a way to channel his anger into something positive. Lately he has channeled it towards committing mass murder on his COD Black Ops game. Better he channel it towards fake people than towards us.  Sometimes it takes a lot to set him off and sometimes it takes something as stupid (now this is my opinion) as his football team losing and he is like an atomic bomb. Just get out of his way! 

My biggest hope is that I am more of a help bringing him around to a happy place again rather than a hindrance. Each night we hang out for about an hour after Toddler D goes to bed and then we each do our own thing for about an hour. I have been working on my unfinished projects bin (pictures to be posted upon completion of said projects) and he has been doing his video game thing or watching random television shows.  I think in some ways the space is a really good thing for us, but what is most important is that we no longer feel the need to spend every waking moment together. We have grown. Each of us doing the things that make us happy individually helps us to be happier with each other.

We will continue to settle back in, and I'm sure by the time we are as close to 100% as we are going to get the army is going to throw something completely new at us and we will start a brand new readjustment period.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Fears

I have always felt that fears fall into two categories, rational and irrational.

It is amazing how much my fears changed in 2010 and have evolved once again in 2011.

2010 Rational Fears:
1. My husband's job could literally have be the death of him (this was completely rational seeing as he was deployed to Afghanistan).  In 2011, this is less of a concern. He is home and for the most part whole. War changes people for good and for bad, I can live with those changes because I (for the time being) do not have to live with the fear of what his job might do to him and our family.
2. My daughters health issues getting worse.  Year one was not always a smooth path for Toddler D.  Health wise she seemed to take more after mommy than daddy.  In 2011, however, we are going to focus on the positives and not panic about health concerns unless they become a problem.

2011 Rational Fears:
1. Another deployment. This one is somewhat irrational because Sgt D already has a report date for Army School and unless World War 3 breaks out (God forbid) I do not really see this one coming to fruition.

Irrational Fears:
1. Spiders: I am afraid of them, but really...I can defend myself.
2. Dogs: I just do not like dogs. I do not mind dogs I know, but all other dogs can just walk on the opposite side of the street as far as I am concerned.

I used to be a lot more afraid, in fact, I think if I had tried to write this list 2 years ago it would have gone on for pages. 2010 taught me so much about myself and my family. I know in my heart that I can handle just about anything so long as I have the support of loved ones.  I do not think that my rational fears will go away, at least not for 14.5 more years when Sgt D retires from the army, and I do not know a single parent that does not worry about their child's health.  However, I do not view this as a problem either, have a little bit of fear is healthy, living in fear, now that is when you know there is a problem.

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Happy 2011!

I hope everyone had a happy, safe and healthy Holiday Season.  We were for the most part happy and safe, the healthy part we got to eventually.  There was a short bout of gastroenteritis that struck the family but the family that gets sick together stays together.

To celebrate 2011, the year that I turn the big three oh (30), by writing my bucket list. My rules for myself were to make the items on my list things that were reasonably achievable and things that I have always talked about doing. I feel that if it is in writing that maybe I will actually accomplish them and hold myself accountable to them.

Here is my list (they are numbered but they are in no particular order):
1. Finish my Master's Degree (if I am feeling really jazzy, I would also like to complete a PhD as well)
2. See Italy
3. See France
4. See Greece
5. See the United Kingdom
6. Make a crazy quilt (hand sewing to required)
7. Learn how to sew clothes (I know it is in my blood, it is time I tapped that part of my DNA!)
8. Learn how to play the piano (life long desire)
9. See the Northern Lights
10. Visit the Vatican
11. Learn to meditate
12. Own my own home
13. Go on vacation/honeymoon (we never really had one) with just Sgt D
14. Get some of my photography published somewhere
15. Hike to the top of Half Dome (Sgt D promised to help me make this one happen)

This list could go on forever I am sure, but as I said I wanted them to be reasonable and things I could actually accomplish in my life time. I hope to do more than the 15 things listed above, but this is a good starting point for me.

What's on your bucket list?