Sunday, August 11, 2013

A Love of Dirt

This past summer I have come to fall in love with the dirt. As a child growing up, every spring I watched my parents work in our yard, I don't remember much from our first 2 house, but the one they live in now, I can remember watching them go out there and working for hours. At the time I totally didn't get it, but then I just preferred not being outside in the sun.

Now, I get it! There is something satisfying about watching something you plant grow. Perhaps that comes with having a child and watching her grow, I'm not really sure. I can say that watching my sunflowers open a little bit more each day and eating zucchini that I grew is pretty amazing.

The best part is watching Toddler D out there playing in the dirt. She just can't get enough of it! I love that she has taken ownership of our plants and our fledgling garden. She points out the blooms and the new fruits and vegetables, and she absolutely loves harvesting sweet peas and blueberries. Her two favorite things we are growing this year. Next year I think we will plant twice as many sweet peas but we will stagger their planting so that they won't all be ready at the same time. Anything to get my kid eating her veggies!

Thanks mom and dad, for helping instill a love of dirt in me.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Harsh Realities

Being a military family we often deal with some pretty harsh realities. Realities like deployments, the fact that people can get hurt, may not come back the same, or may not come back at all. One of the harshest realities is the one where our sacrifices and and sacrifices of our serving spouses just don't seem to mean very much to the country at large. There are parades and commercials for the Wounded Warrior Project, but the every day dealing with PTSD and coming back changed from war is largely dismissed.

This week 2 soldiers that my husband has served with took their own lives. In recent years the numbers for suicides in the military outnumbered the combat deaths. That should be shocking to people, especially to those people who feel that the military as a whole is over-compensated for what they do. (That is a whole other subject which I will address at a later date.)  Our soldiers and veterans feel as thought they have so little support, help, guidance, that they are taking their own lives. One of the soldiers said that "he just didn't feel like he mattered". How incredibly sad is that. He put is life on the line, defending our freedom and all that our country stands for and he felt his life didn't matter?  Of course it mattered, what bothers me is that this country isn't showing that to our troops and their families. Instead we hear constantly that we have too many benefits, that only lazy people who couldn't find a job or get into college serve in the military.  Aside from being degrading, it just simply isn't true.

I am sad for the 2 soldiers who took their lives, I am sad for their families, I am sad for the men and women those soldiers worked with, but mostly I am scared. I am scared because of the frightening trend that can be seen in the sheer multitude of soldiers and veterans who see suicide as their only escape. I want better for them, I want better for my own soldier. We owe them so much more than that!

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Whine

Warning, stop reading now if you don't want to listen to my whining. It is your choice to read this, don't judge how I feel...

Sometimes I feel, as a military spouse, that when I married someone serving in the armed forces that I lost the right to whine. You see when my husband leaves, for no matter how long I almost feel like if I say that I'm sad he is gone, or I wish he was here, or it is so hard being a single parent, that I'm looked down upon. The crazy thing is that I feel like I'm looked down upon by civilians and military people alike.

The military side because I "signed up for this" and I should just suck it up. Well you know what, yes I did marry a soldier, but my daughter certainly had no say in his job and it is hard to watch her suffer any time he is away, even when it is only 24 hours for a duty shift. Having lived through 2 deployments in her very short life, she thinks any time he doesn't come home for dinner that he has gone to Afghanistan again, and that is just so hard to have to explain, over and over again. My big girl panties are on and I do deal with being a single parent to the very best of my abilities but just because I married someone in the army doesn't mean I have forfeited my right to whine about how hard it is at times.

From the civilian side I feel like people are thinking, well 28 days should be no big deal to you, you've done 2 tours without him. All I can think is "Seriously!?! You whine if you husband is gone for more than an 8 hour shift at work! God forbid you have to do every single thing by yourself, all the time, for months on end!" I'm sorry if I just lived through 9 months of him away and I don't want him to be gone again, and so soon, for any length of time.

Now don't get me wrong, not everyone, or really very many people in my life have ever made me feel this way (they certainly haven't said these words to my face) but I can't stop feeling like I'm not allowed to whine about SSG D being gone. So here I am whining. In my personal space. I hate that my husband is gone, I hate that tomorrow I am going to have to explain to Preschooler D that daddy will be back soon and he isn't in Afghanistan and that he wishes more than anything in the word that he could be home, but sadly he can't.  One day I hope and pray she understands the choices we made for our family but for right now I just need to make sure we are helping her to understand the current day and that she feels as though she is surrounded by love.

Whine done!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Good-byes

You would think by now that we would be really good at goodbyes, but truth be told, we aren't. I hate saying goodbye, even when I know he won't be gone for too long, but what I hate most is how much goodbyes bother Preschooler D. She gets so confused and doesn't really understand. It really doesn't help that at 3.5 years old her concept of time is practically non-existent beyond right now, 5 minutes ago and 5 minutes from now.

SSG D leaves on Sunday for a month, not even a whole month, but close enough. She knows he is leaving, we have been talking about it and trying to get her ready for it, but I'm just not sure if we are helping or hurting her. This morning SSG D had gone to work as usual and Preschooler D came up to me asking if I could read one of her army books, it is called "Over There" and it is to help small children cope when their parent is deployed.  Then she told me that she was really sad that her daddy was gone. I told her that he was at work for the day but would be home in time for dinner tonight. I'm not looking forward to Sunday when she wakes up and he is gone for 28 days.

We will be video chatting while he is gone and hopefully with the time difference we will be able to have dinner with him every night, just pray that they have good wifi at the hotel he will be in. I will also be trying to keep Preschooler D nice and occupied while he is away.  The busier we are the less time she will have to miss him (at least that is my plan, we shall see how it works).

So, yes, goodbyes suck. In case you were wondering.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Time

I suddenly feel as though I am running out of time. Time with the people I love, time to do what I need to do during the day, time to just sit and be.

I need to do this though. I need to find time to write this.

Dear Dad,

So much has never been spoken between us. I don't think that I have ever truly conveyed to you how much your love, friendship and guidance have meant to me over the years. Even though I don't talk to you every single day, I think of you constantly. I know that if I ever need you for anything you are but a phone call, text message or email away. You have done so much for our family, not just mom, brother and me, but for my family, SSG D and Preschooler D. 

You have provided endless support in our decision to buy a house, you have helped us with our cars, you have helped us build our fence. Every time we have ever needed you, you and mom have been there for us. I honestly don't know what we would do without you.

I was just telling mom today that I haven't had enough time with you as an adult. I want more time to spend with you and get to know you and enjoy your company. Please know how much you are loved and needed.

Love,
Mrs. D