Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Twenty Minutes

Did you know that is only 1200 seconds? Not very long in the big scheme of things. In one day there are 1440 minutes or 86,400 seconds. When you look at it that way 1200 seconds just doesn't seem like much time at all. Well, let me tell you, it's not.

Twenty minutes is barely enough time to talk about all the cute and adorable things Toddler D does in 24 hours, let alone talk about much else. I think that is one of the hardest things about deployments. Not being able to talk, not having that person to bare your soul to as often as you need. As parents, the first thing we talk about is our daughter, what she is doing, how she is handling things, how we should handle certain things. The next thing we talk about is how SSG D is doing, because I need to know that. I need to know that he is ok, that he is sleeping, that he is finding some time to just relax for 5 seconds a day and read a book or watch an episode of Babylon 5. These things are important to me, really important to me. It gives me hope for a sense of normalcy at the end of these 9 long months.  That leaves about 3 minutes for anything else, the "I love you's" and the "I miss you's".  Not much time. 

I miss him coming home and eating a meal with us, and going our high low (you may know this as the Rose and the Thorn). I miss that stuff, now don't get me wrong, Toddler D and I are doing those things with my parents, but it is just not the same. I miss him being there, I miss is dry sense of humor, I miss him picking up every toy in the living room before he can sit down for dinner (yes, OCD is a killer, but on the upside, my house is always clean). I miss him, and 20 minutes is not enough time to convey just how much I miss him.

I have started working on my first care package to him. Care packages are funny because you never know if what you are sending is going to be well-received or not. I mean I know he appreciates what we send him, but does he actually use them or like them. I always try to send dark chocolate, he is a choco-aholic after all. I always send him something to read - this time I will be sending two magazines and a book that didn't fit in his bag. The fun part is trying to send him some silly little toys that will make him smile. Last deployment I sent him a whoopie cushion, parachute men, and 3 cans of silly string. All big hits.  I have already hit the local toy shop and come up with a few little fun things to put in there. I am just hoping that each care package elaborates on all that I can't say in 20 minutes.

I live for those 20 minutes, they are just about the only thing that makes deployments bearable. I have to say that I just do not know how women did it during WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Desert Storm, etc. We are so lucky to get even the 20 minutes we get, and yet it will also never be enough. Funny how that works.

1200 seconds.

Friday, May 11, 2012

When Half of You is Gone

I was going to title this post "When Half of You is Missing" but my other half isn't missing, at least not in the I've lost him and I can't find him sense. He is gone, missing from our lives, away. He is a temporarily re-assigned soldier and his re-assignment is to Afghanistan.  That's right, SSG D has deployed again.  Last time, it impacted our lives greatly. I had to learn to make decisions that I never in a million years thought I would be making. I had to decide whether or not to allow surgery on our 4 month old baby, I had to decide whether or not to "buy" a new car (that's another story, and kind of a funny one), all kinds of decisions. Mostly the biggest impact was that I was alone with a 6 week old baby, very alone, like 800 miles from family alone. 

This time it is different though. This time Toddler D and I are surrounded by family, but the impact of SSG D being gone seems SO MUCH BIGGER! Now don't get me wrong, I'm used to running the house, and paying the bills, and all those things that I have had to get accustomed to doing as not just a spouse but as a military spouse. This time though there is this other little person involved, and man she doesn't like change. Especially the kind of change that takes her daddy away.  We have been reading some wonderful books written specifically for military children, one was given to me by a friend: Hero Dad, now Toddler D has this book COMPLETELY memorized after only a week and she actually read it to her daddy on the phone just last night, I think it took his breath away.  The other book was recommended by another good friend and is called: Lily Hates Goodbyes, I have read this book at least once a day since we arrived at my parents house. The cool thing is that we are doing a lot of the activities in the book that Lily does, perhaps that is why Toddler D likes it so much. These books and hearing from her daddy have really helped Toddler D cope with the big change of daddy going to work and not coming home for a long time. The only problem is that mommy is struggling.

I am pretty good at covering it up during the day, I don't want Toddler D to know what I'm going through, she has enough on her very small little plate. But man, I just miss him! I hate that he is gone. It took so long to get him back from the last deployment, ever so much longer than the 9.5 months that he was actually gone for. I just worry how long it is going to take to get him back from this one.  Nights are the worst. My biggest comfort every day he was home between deployments was crawling into bed and falling asleep in his arms, I seem to have a very very difficult time falling asleep without those arms. I even miss his damn snoring!

So my new daily (and nightly) quest is learning how to strive and go on while my other half is gone. I have to re-learn how to sleep alone, I have to find a new way to share my day with him, especially since we only get to talk once or twice a week, I have to find ways to cope.  I did the last time, and I know I can do it this time too...I'm just struggling right now. I need to give myself a break though, I have only been in this new normal for a week now, and the week and a half leading up to our separation was one of the most difficult we have ever experienced. Some might say "just do it, I don't know why it is so hard", well...that's easy to say when you haven't had to live it.  I'm doing the best I can right now and my best is going to have to do until I can get better at it. After all, this is only our second deployment...


Monday, May 07, 2012

Dear Cell Phone

How I love thee, let me tell you why...

You are my sole connection to my love. When you ring with a crazy jumble of numbers I know that when I hit the connect button I will hear the voice of my dreams on the other end. You have been promoted from my connection to twitter and facebook while at the park to my connection to Toddler D's Daya and my true love. 

For the next 9 months I vow to be exceptionally careful with you. I will endeavor to not drop you anywhere, most especially in any wet places, ie. the toilet. Your safety has suddenly become very important because of the link that you provide.  I will pay your bill on time and make sure that I do not go over my minutes or data plan. I don't want to give Verizon any excuse to shut you down. 

Please continue to receive calls, especially those most important ones from the funny phone numbers.

Yours truly,
Mrs. D

Army wife of deployed soldier