Ever since he left I can't sleep. Well, I can but I really struggle to turn the light off at night. I am left alone with my thoughts and no one to share them with. It is the exact opposite when he is home I can't wait to turn the lights off, we talk in the dark, we cuddle and I fall asleep in his arms.
At the end of each day, good or bad, I feel like I am left with a burden on my shoulders and it has taken me exactly 4 months to figure out what it is: the burden of the day. Each and every happening: the milestones, the setbacks, the good, the bad, the ugly. I have no one to share them with. Now don't get me wrong, I have my girl friends and I have my parents, but it isn't the same as your partner, the person you share every part of your life with. I think that is one of the hard things about deployments, I don't get to share with him anymore.
Not because he doesn't want to listen and not because I don't want to share, but because our time is so limited and we need to discuss so many things that all the little details get forgotten. I miss sharing the little things with him. I mean I really miss it. When he calls I want to hear how he is and make sure I am doing everything I can on my end to support him, sometimes I forget that I need some support too, that it is ok to tell him that Toddler D hit me twice today and I am struggling to figure out a way to get her to stop. I keep these things to myself because I don't want him to have that extra burden and worry while he is over there. Unfortunately, that means I carry the weight of a lot of things alone.
I'm not complaining, more than anything I am thinking and typing out my thoughts. Trying to figure out as I go with this post why it is that I can't sleep at night when I am so totally and completely exhausted. Every bit of me, from the tips of my toes to the ends of my hair, is tired. And yet...I can't bring myself to turn the light off. The most counter-intuitive part of all of this is that if I just went to sleep, tomorrow would come faster and we would be one day closer to him coming home. Hello! Turn off the damn light and go to bed!
3 comments:
It was like that for me for a couple months almost 3 years ago.
I wish I'd read this when you wrote it. I would have told you to keep a journal of all those things each night, save them up for him and drop them off your shoulders. Writing can be so cathartic. It isn't the same as having him to talk to, but sometimes I write Paul a note, even now. Make-believe gets us through a lot of hard times. =) Your head and your heart are in the right place.
Oh my gosh, your friend "desertskyquilts" wrote almost EXACTLY what I was thinking of writing!
First off, I'm sorry I keep losing the address to your blog because I didn't see this when you initially posted it.
Next, I was going to suggest keeping some sort of journal or something to write down the things you wish you could be sharing "in person" with your Love. NOT that this would change the fact that he's away, but it could be a neat homecoming gift idea. And, of course, an outlet for you to share, even if he won't be able to read it until he gets home.
Thinking of you & sending hugs... <3
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