Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Struggling

Ok, I'm admitting it, out loud, for the whole world...ok, for all four followers of my blog to read, I AM STRUGGLING. This deployment just sucks.  I mean every deployment sucks, but this one seems to suck that much more than the last one, although I am sure I would have said the exact same thing during the last deployment too. This is just not easy.  I hear all the time about how strong and amazing I am, it isn't that I'm strong or amazing, it is just that all most people get to see is the glossy shiny exterior that I show the world. They don't get to see the inside of me that is falling apart and screaming at the top of my lungs to bring my husband home.

It is so hard when people say to me, "well it is only 8 more weeks" or "you are near the finish line". I means seriously?!? Most people freak out if their spouse is gone for more than a day or 2 and mine has been gone for 7 very very long months. I'm not asking for a parade or sympathy or even understanding, since you can't really understand someone's situation until you have lived it, but I wouldn't mind a little common sense and sensitivity. I mean would you ever want to hear, "it's only 8 more weeks?"

I realize that when people make those comments they are not trying to hurt my feelings, they are actually trying to be sympathetic but they are forgetting to put themselves in my shoes first. 8 weeks, or 6 weeks or even 1 day worrying about someone you love in a war zone is like 16 years! I am not sure I can really communicate to anyone just how draining all of this is, especially when you have to put on a happy face every day and pretend that everything is really ok for your little one.

I think the other reason I am struggling is because we have missed so many important dates to us, not that they are necessarily important to anyone else, but they are important to us, and now we are approaching Christmas. I have to say that until Sunday I didn't even want to put up a Christmas tree, I still don't really want to but I remembered that Toddler D's stocking and her Night Before Christmas book are with the tree so we kind of have to get all that stuff down.  It just doesn't feel like Christmas without my hubby here. I am trying to bring the magic for Toddler D, but all of it is gone for me. I don't even want to put up my nutcrackers, and if you are familiar with my HUGE collection, you should realize just what a big deal that is...

Ok, enough of this. Toddler D will be awake from her nap soon and I need to snap out of it so that she and I can have a nice afternoon together. Thanks for letting me voice how I really feel about things, I don't often take the opportunity to do so, for some reason I don't think that anyone wants to hear these kinds of things. The reality of the matter is that deployments suck and no matter how strong you think someone is they are most likely struggling with that very harsh reality.

4 comments:

Bright Angel said...

You can always tell me. I am here for you always! Praying for you always! I wish that I could fast forward to homecoming for you. Love you!

Sondra said...

Melissa, I am always thinking of you.XXXXX

desertskyquilts said...

It doesn't matter if someone else wants to hear it. You needed to say it, and if you can't say it on your own blog, then where? I'll tell you why you are amazing and wonderful and strong. It's because IN SPITE of feeling like you want to kick and scream and fall apart ... you don't. You keep it together for your little one. You focus on what's good for her. That's what a good parent does. And while you are doing that, she's helping you survive it all. You may go cry in the shower sometimes, but you keep her world sane and steady. Good for you, good for her.

NurseBrandy said...

I love this post. Not only is it a true revelation of how you honestly feel, but it is also a great learning lesson to those of us who are reading it - those of us who may have said one of those "it's only a couple more weeks" things to you...

Thank you for sharing, and I look forward to the day that you get to tell everyone that the love of your life is home! <3