There is a lot of guilt that comes along with a deployment. You feel guilt every time you do something fun and your deployed spouse cannot be there. You feel guilt every time you your child hits a milestone and your deployed spouse misses it. There is guilt every time you try a new recipe that you think your spouse might enjoy.
There are also moments of extreme joy. Like when the phone number pops up on the caller idea and I know it is him calling. Extreme moments of joy when Toddler D asks for him and says how much she misses him. It doesn't bring me joy that she is sad, it brings me joy that she loves him so much and that he is on her mind.
I try and photograph our days to post them to facebook where I know he will see everything. I yearn for the day when we are together again. For the day that Toddler D runs into his arms yelling "daya". He called the other day and I told him all I want for Christmas was him under my tree. I know it is a silly thing to wish for because it isn't going to happen but a girl can dream right?
Tomorrow we celebrate Halloween. I will take Toddler D trick or treating by myself and we will hand out candy along. Then we prepare to celebrate many more milestones without the man in our lives. Toddler D's 3rd birthday, the first Thanksgiving that I will be cooking, Christmas and New Years. I will have a camera in my hand the entire time and SSG D in my heart every moment of every day.