When Half of You is Gone

I was going to title this post "When Half of You is Missing" but my other half isn't missing, at least not in the I've lost him and I can't find him sense. He is gone, missing from our lives, away. He is a temporarily re-assigned soldier and his re-assignment is to Afghanistan.  That's right, SSG D has deployed again.  Last time, it impacted our lives greatly. I had to learn to make decisions that I never in a million years thought I would be making. I had to decide whether or not to allow surgery on our 4 month old baby, I had to decide whether or not to "buy" a new car (that's another story, and kind of a funny one), all kinds of decisions. Mostly the biggest impact was that I was alone with a 6 week old baby, very alone, like 800 miles from family alone. 

This time it is different though. This time Toddler D and I are surrounded by family, but the impact of SSG D being gone seems SO MUCH BIGGER! Now don't get me wrong, I'm used to running the house, and paying the bills, and all those things that I have had to get accustomed to doing as not just a spouse but as a military spouse. This time though there is this other little person involved, and man she doesn't like change. Especially the kind of change that takes her daddy away.  We have been reading some wonderful books written specifically for military children, one was given to me by a friend: Hero Dad, now Toddler D has this book COMPLETELY memorized after only a week and she actually read it to her daddy on the phone just last night, I think it took his breath away.  The other book was recommended by another good friend and is called: Lily Hates Goodbyes, I have read this book at least once a day since we arrived at my parents house. The cool thing is that we are doing a lot of the activities in the book that Lily does, perhaps that is why Toddler D likes it so much. These books and hearing from her daddy have really helped Toddler D cope with the big change of daddy going to work and not coming home for a long time. The only problem is that mommy is struggling.

I am pretty good at covering it up during the day, I don't want Toddler D to know what I'm going through, she has enough on her very small little plate. But man, I just miss him! I hate that he is gone. It took so long to get him back from the last deployment, ever so much longer than the 9.5 months that he was actually gone for. I just worry how long it is going to take to get him back from this one.  Nights are the worst. My biggest comfort every day he was home between deployments was crawling into bed and falling asleep in his arms, I seem to have a very very difficult time falling asleep without those arms. I even miss his damn snoring!

So my new daily (and nightly) quest is learning how to strive and go on while my other half is gone. I have to re-learn how to sleep alone, I have to find a new way to share my day with him, especially since we only get to talk once or twice a week, I have to find ways to cope.  I did the last time, and I know I can do it this time too...I'm just struggling right now. I need to give myself a break though, I have only been in this new normal for a week now, and the week and a half leading up to our separation was one of the most difficult we have ever experienced. Some might say "just do it, I don't know why it is so hard", well...that's easy to say when you haven't had to live it.  I'm doing the best I can right now and my best is going to have to do until I can get better at it. After all, this is only our second deployment...